Boys upbringing
Working with difficult children provides abundant food for thought not only about these children themselves and their family environment, but also about a multitude of socio-cultural factors contributing to the shaking of an already fragile child's psyche. At the same time, it often turns out that the ideas about certain things that exist in the modern mass consciousness are pure myths. Sometimes harmless, more often - not very. But in any case, distracting from understanding the true state of affairs. And, accordingly, blocking the search for the right solutions.
Myths leading through the looking glass
In my opinion, the myth about the increased vulnerability of the male psyche is one of such harmless myths. Say, the female psyche is more stable, and men, although considered to be a stronger sex, but this is rather a misunderstanding. In fact, everything is exactly the opposite. Hyperactivity, autism, various types of addiction (alcoholism, drug addiction, computer and gaming addiction) are more often affected by the male, not female. And men live, as you know, fewer women. In general, what can I say? - An undeniable fact!
But to speak, meanwhile, can be about many things. To begin at least from the fact that men were always so weak, the human race would have stopped long ago, because the share of men at all times was the most difficult, dangerous occupation, the most difficult work. Try to fight, having a fragile, vulnerable psyche! Or even hunt for ferocious beasts, and without firearms weaponsas many generations of our ancestors did! And the life of a peasant farmer? How much grueling physical work! How many, to put it in modern language, stress and psychotrauma! The constant threat of famine due to crop failure (at least in the Russian zone of risky farming), high infant and child mortality ... No matter how convincing yourself that people looked at the death of children differently ("God gave - God took"), it was a grief that needed to be experienced. For what a lot of strength was required.
And what responsibility lay on the head of a large family! It is even difficult for modern people to imagine what a huge burden it is, because from the cradle we tune in to something completely different. For us, three children are already many children, and five or six (the average number of children in Russian families before the revolution) is almost a sign of insanity. Especially if the "conditions do not allow." And “conditions” should create a state with which we are always dissatisfied, because it is “not sufficient”. That is, citizens take the position of adolescents in relation to the state, who are fighting for their rights, but at the same time striving to evade from duties. I will not go into details in order not to go too far away from the topic. Let me just say that this world view was deeply alien to our ancestors. Years 150 – 200 ago, a Russian man would be very surprised to hear the now fashionable maxim “I owe nothing to anyone.”
But it’s absolutely clear that only strong people can withstand the burden of responsibility. And the greater the burden, the person must be stronger.
Hence, the thesis of the initially more fragile, vulnerable psyche of men does not hold water. But on the other hand, men really weakened, which proves, in particular, the statistics of the above mental disorders.
What is the matter? It seems to me that the fact is that man, if I may say so, is a more social being than a woman. For centuries and even millennia, the world of women was limited to the family circle. They did not participate in public affairs. Of course, there were exceptions, but they did not change the order of things. Men, on the other hand, formed living conditions in society, created public and state institutions, managed them, made laws (among others, concerning the family). This is probably why their psyche responds more strongly to the situation of social and cultural breakdown. They adopt new social attitudes faster, they feel more keenly where the “public wind” blows, they have less conservatism. Accordingly, if socio-cultural changes are positive, boys will strive to come closer to a positive ideal. If there is propaganda of degenerative “values” and behavior patterns in society, the male part of the population degrades more intensively than the female part.
Just a few fairly recent examples. In the 1990s, when an alcoholic president was in power in Russia and everyone knew about it, drunkenness at work (including in very prestigious institutions and departments) became almost a ubiquitous phenomenon. And it seemed that nothing could be done about it. It got to the point that the bosses, who could not be drunk for health reasons, were sent to subdue instead of themselves. So it was with a friend of our family, who occupied a very high place on the bureaucratic ladder. The poor fellow almost drank himself and was forced to change his place of work under the threat of divorce ...
But another person came to power - and heavy drinking in the workplace quickly stopped. Moreover, this did not require any special decrees! It’s just that drunkenness “suddenly” among the bosses became not prestigious, and subordinates are guided by the bosses. No wonder they say that the fish rots from the head.
Another example. In 1990, when the cry “Get Rich!” Was cast from above, many boys of preschool and primary school age, who were brought to us for a consultation, dreamed of getting rich. And to the question "Who do you want to be when you grow up?" Answered in unison: "Businessman." Now, dreams of wealth (in any case, among our contingent) are much less popular, and the profession of an entrepreneur is hardly on the list of “life strategies”. But many people want to become a football player, including those to whom this is clearly “not shining” for health reasons. What changed? Has money lost its importance? Or did business become unnecessary? - No, but there was a shift in the public consciousness. The issue of unjustly acquired wealth is increasingly being raised in the media. The word "oligarch" is already strongly associated with the label "thief", and they began to promote football (again, from the top). Football news stand out in particular, in many cafes the opportunity has appeared to watch live broadcasts of football championships. The state again slowly began to support the idea that football distracts adolescents from bad habits ... The result was not slow.
Why are there a choice of profession! Even the desire to continue the race in many men does not arise at the level of instinct, but under the influence of social attitudes. It is prestigious to be the father of a large family - they will strive for this. If, on the contrary, the image of don Juan is demanded in society, which, for obvious reasons, children are not needed, many men will breathe a sigh of relief. Notice how few of them are outraged by the gross violation of men's rights in pro-abortion legislation, according to which a wife can have an abortion without her husband’s consent. But we are talking about the murder of their common child! Hence, this situation suits men. They do not at all consider this to be an infringement of their rights, since both in the Soviet and especially in the post-Soviet times the large families were presented as something archaic, burdening a normal person with unnecessary worries, preventing them from developing, living an intense, full-fledged (now they say "quality") life. Therefore, a situation where, according to the law, the wife in fact single-handedly determines the number of children in the family, often without even informing her husband of what is happening, does not seem humiliating to many men. Although in fact it is humiliating to disgrace! But try to extrapolate the situation to something else, more valuable in the eyes of modern society. Let's say, propose a law according to which the wife will have the right to dispose of the apartment or cottage acquired during the marriage, without asking the spouse's consent to sell the property or even letting him know about it, and the spouse will be deprived of this right - this will cause all men a storm of negative emotions.
Very clearly the social orientation of men manifested itself in the difficult perestroika and post-perestroika years. The state collapsed, the clamps that held the society collapsed; the creators of public opinion began to assure the people that you can do everything that is not prohibited by law. Thus, morality was actually abolished, because many unseemly actions, condemned by public morality, are not formally prohibited by law. Meanness is not prohibited, fornication and adultery, too. Drunkenness and drug addiction are not again prosecuted by law. People were left to themselves: survive, as you know. Do whatever you want. Or do nothing. The criminal article on parasitism was canceled, the compulsory treatment of alcoholics and drug addicts was declared harmful, ineffective, violating human rights, even sobering plants - and they were closed down. The country was flooded with cheap vodka, overwhelmed with drugs, pornography and other attributes of Western freedom. And many fathers of families could not resist. Realizing that there is no governing on them, they (not to mention the unmarried guys) set foot in the wind. Of course, not every man behaved this way, however it was (and still is) a fairly widespread phenomenon. Mothers succumbed to the temptation to “throw a cap on the mill” much less often (although it also happened). A typical picture of those times: women shuttle trays with bales above their height. What forced them to strain, ruin their health, to be exposed to various dangers, deprivations, humiliations? Why they could not follow her husband away from the unbearably difficult reality? After all, alcohol was not sold by gender. And there was no rule on them, as well as on men. What prevented them, taking advantage of impunity, to quickly roll on an inclined plane?
A maternal instinct prevented them. The one who makes a little helpless bird breast protect chicks from a predator, at times exceeding its strength and size. Mothers felt sorry for the children more than themselves. And they could not imagine life without them, they did not psychologically separate themselves from the child, although he could no longer be a little boy, but a teenager. Yes, and physically they had to part with it for the time of travel for the goods, and then work in the market. But still they were one with the child, a family.
The same instinct does not allow the overwhelming majority of mothers to leave disabled children. There are exceptions, but so far, despite a more than twenty-year morale attack, these are exceptions. The situation when the father abandons the family in which the child was born disabled, is so common that it does not surprise anyone. “I could not stand the load,” they usually say in such cases. Formulation in the spirit of tolerance that is fashionable today: seemingly an explanation and at the same time a hidden excuse. What, they say, take it? Men are fragile, vulnerable, everyone knows that ...
All this I do not write to sting men and praise women. The point is not to clarify the question “Who is the most?” And not to shift the blame to the opposite sex. Just without abandoning the myths that distort reality, you will not understand how to get rid of distortions. Based on false premises, you will not come to the right conclusions. And you will not reach the goal if you wander in a fog in some other direction.
Our goal, for the sake of which the whole previous conversation was started, is to understand how to bring up boys in modern conditions. What do we have to do? What to proceed from? Agree, there is a huge difference between the idea of men as initially fragile, vulnerable creatures and the statement that it is not male nature itself, but the incompatibility of this nature with the features of the so-called post-industrial, postmodern society causes the obvious weakening of men already observed with the naked eye. In the first case, fragile creatures need to be cherished, cherished, and if hardened, then be extremely careful, otherwise the tender plant will not survive and will die. In the second case, emphasis should be placed on changing installations, on reorientation of the micro- and macrosocium. To eliminate as much as possible from the child’s life the factors interfering with the normal development of his masculinity.
Of course, now it is more difficult to do. It is much easier to groom, cherish and demand nothing. But we have no other choice if we want to simply survive. Futurological reasoning about some kind of posthumanity, for which supposedly everything will be different, is shameless bluff. At least, in our country, to which so many centuries in a row all those who felt like it were opened, further weakening of the male principle is fraught with the loss of not only living space, but also life itself. It would be naive to believe that the people of the “extra country” - so, without ceremony, called Western politicians in 1990-s for Westerners - would not be superfluous at the feast of winners.
What prevents the formation of a male beginning
Well, what exactly in modern society prevents the formation of the masculine?
I think this is, first of all, the installation on hedonism. The fundamental installation of the consumer society. If the “ideal consumer” is in demand in society, if the thirst for pleasure is paramount, then, respectively, in a person egoism, individualism and infantilism flourish. He does not grow up, does not develop as a person. Only objects of lust change: adults appear instead of children's toys. But the essence remains the same. It is not a person who controls his desires, but they overflow, overwhelm him and entail, like a torrent, a light, small chip. And when a person can not resist their passions, what kind of willpower to talk about?
It is easy to see that all this contributes to the success of the enemy in the information-psychological war, the purpose of which is to weaken the potential defenders of the Fatherland (that is, men). And if now we look at this modern “problem child” from this point of view, we will see that the goal has been largely achieved. Based on our own observations, as well as on the complaints of parents and teachers, unanimously testifying that in recent years there are more and more difficult children (mainly boys), we outline an approximate portrait of such a child.
He is excitable, poorly focused, quickly tired, superficial, often does not have expressed creative, cognitive interests, but tends only to entertainment, is easily influenced by bad influence, does not know how to predict the consequences of his actions (first he does, then he thinks), undisciplined. At the same time, he is ambitious, competitive, he has overestimated claims, claims for leadership in the absence of potential for such a difficult task. He is often anxious and even cowardly, but he tries to disguise his cowardice with bravado. Feeling unpunished, such a child demonstrates demonstration and self-will. He is emotionally underdeveloped, incapable of deep feelings, treats those around him, even those closest to him, is consumer, as objects of manipulation, does not take into account other people's experiences, in the event of a benefit for himself can easily deceive, go to their heads, do not admit their mistakes , does not feel real repentance (unashamed).
It is these people who are at risk for alcoholism and drug addiction, which are very effective ways of exterminating the population in the cold war phase. And in the transition to real fighting, the army, consisting of men with a similar profile of behavior, has no chance of winning. Some of them will quickly be slaughtered, the other part will scatter or go over to the side of the enemy.
It is quite obvious that culturally and historically not only in our country, but also in the rest of the world, this type of men was a sign of degeneration, since it did not correspond to the main tasks of the stronger sex: to be a protector, creator, breadwinner, head of family and clan, support of society and the state. And the creation of conditions under which the above-mentioned negative qualities develop to the detriment of positive ones inevitably leads to the distortion of the male psyche, weakening of the mind and body, and shortening of life. It is programmed.
There is another extremely important factor. Modern consumer society seeks to erase from the life of man all the higher meanings. Meaning - in consumption and enjoyment. What else to do? The lower, more difficult and more primitive - the “cooler” you are! Mocks everything that makes a man a man. The media and other channels of influence on public opinion are making titanic efforts in order to erode — and in the long run and completely eliminate — the traditional concepts of duty and honor, patriotism, love and loyalty. Naturally, a modern libertarian who sets the tone for building an “open global society” does not believe in God. And even if he believes in one who favors Sodom in all its manifestations (that is, not in God, but in the devil). But among ordinary people, who are particularly frank ideologues, don’t even call people, but say “biomass”, atheism is persistently promoted: talk about saving the soul is ridiculous, this is the day before yesterday, fanaticism, obscurantism and - again, in the long run - religious extremism .
In our country, which in the XX century has already experienced a period of militant atheism, and not in the cold, but in the hot phase, with the destruction of churches and the murder of millions of Orthodox Christians, things are a little different. Here are two mutually exclusive trends. On the one hand, more and more people come to Christ. On the other hand, the liberals are intensifying attacks on the Church, trying to weaken it both outside and inside. The outcome of the struggle will depend on whether Russia will be able to gain sovereignty and go on its own path of development, reviving traditional Christian values and decisively rejecting everything that it is trying to dilute and destroy. But by itself sovereignty will not fall on our heads. Whether we find it or not depends on each of us. Including how people will raise their children.
What to focus on in raising boys
One of the most important qualities linked to sex (those without which men can hardly be called men) is courage. The development of this quality was actively encouraged in all nations at all times. Now with this problem. Many families (not only incomplete, but often such where dad is) suffer from over-care. And then the media inflates fear. Juvenalschiki, hooked on Western grants, urge to ban children from being left unattended until fourteen years old. There are already quite a few cases when there is an abrasion or a bruise seen by a teacher in a child - and even more so an appeal to a trauma center with suspected concussion or a broken bone! - turned into a formidable evidence of "ill-treatment in the family." And my mother had to make excuses in front of the district police officer, arguing that she did not disgrace, who wanted the child to be evil. If such a practice takes root and the parents, rightly fearing trouble, will begin to shake over the children even more, guarding their every step, it will be possible to put an end to the education of courage. This can not be allowed.
Of course, courage should be brought up taking into account the nature of the child, not over-exaggerating him at an early age, so as not to cause neuroticism. But to encourage this quality in boys is absolutely necessary. And now it often happens that the parents themselves do not have an understanding of how important it is. They are much more concerned with the development of intelligence, perseverance, diligence, creative abilities - all that is needed for a good study and further placement in high-paying office work, etc.
But, first, it is far from a fact that life in comfort and coziness will continue for immeasurable times. No matter how much we would like to live quietly, peace is most likely not the test. Secondly, in the current, fairly quiet life, people are not immune from all sorts of unpleasant incidents such as attacks by bullies. And, thirdly (and in fact, firstly), since courage is one of the most important masculine qualities, on him, as a foundation, a male personality is largely built. Judge for yourself.
A brave man is a courageous man (a word that testifies for itself!). And masculinity presupposes both stamina, and endurance, and “dashing valiant,” and a craving for overcoming difficulties. And, of course, willpower, without which a male character cannot be forged. Life in the modern city significantly limits the development of all these qualities. It is no coincidence that so many boys "sit down" on computer games. The point is not only that this is a fashionable leisure and “currency of communication” among children and adolescents. Much more important is the fact that computer games make it possible for a teenager to escape from reality and pretend to be a real man, without developing male qualities in himself, but by replacing them with a game phantom. In life you have to go to the gym, do exercises every day, do exercises that you don’t necessarily give you easily, tolerate coach’s remarks and strikes at your pride when someone else is more successful. And here - he closed in the room, sat down more comfortably, launched the "comp", clicked several times with the mouse - and you are a hero, build up strength, power ... Cheap and angry! No wonder it is weak-willed, unmanly (although, perhaps, hiding their cowardice) adolescents so often become cyber-dictators. A brave, strong-willed guy will not spend all his free time on this trash. Of course, he can play, but it is much more interesting for him to do some vigorous activity, work, learn something new, go on a kayak trip, climb the mountains, fight with the opponent not on the screen, but in the ring ... Difficulties, failures it only provoke. He is not afraid of life, does not hide from her like a snail in the shell, does not give hysterical reactions so characteristic of computer games fans, does not maneuver, trying to cover up cowardice and weakness with bravado and "nap". In other words, a normal guy does not behave like a pampered, spoiled loon of a young woman, it is unclear why he pretends to be the commander in the family.
Other - no less important - masculine qualities are nobility and generosity. They do not allow animal ferocity and cruelty to roam, do not allow them to sneer at the weak, impose a veto on vulgarity and cynicism.
Modern mass culture is trying to send these valuable men's qualities in the scrap. The cutesy, hysterical "it", adorning itself with necklaces and earrings, caring for the skin of the face according to all the rules of cosmetology of the 21st century, and not even embarrassed to defile, is advertised vigorously, but only on the runway, not in the street - in a skirt. For those who do not want to obabit completely, a different option is offered: a stupid, rude dork, outwardly and internally not much different from an orangutan. I will not delve into the topic, but, as far as I can judge by expert estimates, these are the two poles of the “culture of Sodom”. Neither one nor the other has nothing to do with real masculinity.
Reflecting on the differences between boys and girls, psychologists note that boys have a developed “feeling of the pack” and willingly recognize the social hierarchy. They are competitive, fighting for leadership. Girls are more sensitive to interpersonal relationships. Their communication is more trusting, each usually has a best friend with whom they share secrets. Of course, among the girls there are weak and strong personalities, but the desire to become the “leader of the pack”, as a rule, is not peculiar to them. And it is absolutely clear. The purpose of a woman is to be a wife and mother, to give loved ones love and tenderness. A man is given the role of a superior by God. Someone - small, someone big - it depends on the potential and on how it will be possible to realize it, how life will be.
But this overriding role cannot be overlooked in the education of boys. Otherwise, the formation of a male character will be distorted. The one who is weaker will be crushed, will become passive and cowardly. The natures will begin to stubbornly, rebel. Of course, parents should not allow their son to command them (now this is often the case, since it is easier for adults to yield than to endure the scandals of their offspring). But since boys are very sensitive to hierarchy, they no longer respect adults who allow themselves to sit on their necks. And they quickly get out of control, loosen up, they are not accustomed to discipline, work and responsibility.
Without the development of the above qualities: courage, perseverance, endurance, willpower, initiative and independence, generosity and nobility, it is impossible to be a normal boss. Neither in a family, nor in a society, nor in the state. And without fulfilling his main purpose, a man does not feel happy, tries to console himself with surrogates and often gets completely confused, ineptly wasting his best years. Parents of boys should initially set a correct goal. But many people come to their senses too late, when it is already clear to even the blind that the guy is not ready for the male role. And what to do with it then is a big question.
The spiritual education of boys: the challenges of time
Sports, mastering the techniques of struggle, participation in hiking, familiarization with the work of focusing on traditionally male work, many heroic examples that abound story, literature, art, and — thank God — modern life — in the language of mathematics, conditions are necessary but not sufficient for real male education.
Nowadays, when spiritual warfare becomes harsher, a person cannot stand without spiritual support. Everything is shaky, ghostly; traditions that allow people, at least by inertia, to follow the good traditions of their ancestors, have been lost, values have been disputed, the top and bottom are turned over. Overwhelmingly, fathers are not a spiritual authority for children; they cannot instruct them in faith and piety. And this means that they are not the real heads of the family, no matter how much money they earn or whatever official posts they hold. And the sons, having grown up a bit, are more oriented towards their fathers than with their mothers. In recent years, however, the men in the temples have increased, but the situation has not changed radically. But it must change dramatically, for a society in which a woman is spiritually, spiritually, and now sometimes physically stronger than men, is doomed to self-destruction.
Moreover, in matters of the spiritual education of boys, it is also important to take into account their peculiarities linked to sex. The perception of boys and girls varies considerably. Girls learn emotional information better because they are more sensitive, romantic, and set up to establish warm, trusting relationships with the teacher. Their perception is usually more specific, aimed at practical tasks: where can I apply the knowledge gained? Men's mindset is different - more analytical. Therefore, among men there are much more mathematicians, physicists, philosophers. Boys better master abstract science. In one of the studies conducted on this topic, the number of adolescent boys with mathematical abilities exceeded the number of their contemporaries in the ratio 13: 1 [1]. Boys, it is important to dig to the bottom, to see the depth and scope of the problem. They easily solve new problems and, unlike girls, do not like stereotypical ones. They are aimed at new knowledge, repetitions are boring for them.
If you look from this point of view on the introduction of children to the faith, we will see that it, like secular education, is now more designed for girls. While children are small, it is not so noticeable. Many boys are also happy to cut angels out of paper, paint Easter eggs, perform in Christmas performances. But closer to the youthful age of all this, and even wrestling, hiking, pilgrim trips, etc., are not enough. They, like many previous generations of “Russian boys” (FM Dostoevsky's expression), begin to look for a deeper meaning in life. And, not finding the understanding of others, priniyayut to other sources.
And understanding is not easy to find now. Churched adults are now mostly women. And to the adolescent and youthful age, the psychology of boys is very different from that of women. In addition, the parents of today's adolescents, as a rule, came to faith at a more or less conscious age, having managed to wander in the dark and finally come to the light. Therefore, it often seems to them that the son is frantic with fat: “Okay, we didn’t know something, but the meaning of diapers is open to you! Go to the temple, pray, confess, take communion, try not to sin, but sin, repent. And all will be well!"
And this, of course, is correct, but the boy is not satisfied. Deep, serious male mentoring is necessary for modern youths like air. To solve this issue only by the forces of the priests, who are already overloaded so that their own children are often almost not seen, is unrealistic. It is important for parents to understand this and to make sure in advance that the teenager had a chance to discuss with anyone, share his opinions and doubts. It is best, of course, that this role be assumed and adequately performed by the father himself. It is even difficult to convey what a great happiness it is for a son to be proud of his father not just as a respected person, an expert in some business, but also as a moral, spiritual authority. And what a great honor for the father in an era of demonstrative overthrow of the authorities, the triumph of rudeness.
If the understanding of these things is returned to society, many fathers will think and start behaving differently. After all, all men, even little boys, want to be respected. Question: for what? Now this is a key question. Until his decision passes into the spiritual plane, until men mature to the realization of the paramount importance of faith and begin to behave accordingly, the boys will be brought up with a limp. No matter how hard the mothers tried to fill in with the unfinished fathers.
Give the word - hold on!
Teach the boys to keep their word. Once it was considered a matter of honor and the inherent quality of a man. Even Russian merchants and businessmen often concluded trade deals in words: “they shook hands”. Not to fulfill the promise meant to lose confidence in your circle, to be considered an dishonorable, low, non-handshaking person. The society did not show any condescension in this respect. “If you didn’t say a word, be strong, but if you did, hold on,” popular wisdom demanded. Now we are told that the failure to fulfill promises is perfectly normal. In politics, this is not supposed to happen otherwise. But if you justify the dishonesty of statesmen, what then to demand from ordinary people: husbands, fathers, sons?
It turns out that there is no one to rely on. In response to your request, they say yes, but that means nothing. The mother, returning home from work, once again sees her son with lessons not done, buried in a computer, and a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink, although on the phone he vowed that everything would be all right when she arrived. Appealing to her husband is also pointless: he himself does not fulfill promises. The shelves that the husband was supposed to hang three weeks ago are still not even unpacked. Yes, and physically his presence in the apartment is not observed, despite the fact that the day before he firmly promised to return from work early and do mathematics with his son ... I will not continue this realistic sketch. Everything is too familiar. Let me just say that in women such infantile non-obligation of men causes a rapid loss of respect. Apparently, because it enters into a sharp contradiction with the archetypical image of her husband as a hope and support, behind which is like a stone wall. A wife can come to terms with many of the disadvantages of a spouse, but the loss of respect for marriage is fatal. Even if it does not formally fall apart, the wife will experience deepest disappointment and react accordingly.
Therefore, wishing the boy happiness, he is sure to - I apologize for the pun! - it is necessary to teach them to be bound, to teach them to fulfill their promises. How to teach? Yes, in general, there is no special wisdom. If a child is inclined to be cunning and manipulated, if he is begging for advances, and having received them, does not fulfill the promise, then there is no need to give advances. It must be an iron law that does not break through with any persuasion and tantrums. "In the morning, money - in the evening chairs." And nothing else. And in parallel, it is worthwhile to periodically tell the son (not a reproach, but, as it were, just so) that real men can keep their word. It is worth reading the story of A.I. Panteleyev "Honest Word" and discuss it. And also give examples from life. Including from the life of great people, life stories. Say, recall the episode from the lives of the holy martyrs Adrian and Natalia or the martyr Basilisk. Adrian was released to his wife so that he would inform her about the day of his execution. And Basilisk asked the prison guards to let him go to say goodbye to his relatives. Theoretically, both martyrs could have escaped, but they returned to certain death because they wanted to suffer for Christ and did not want to lose their good name, to pass for deceivers and cowards.
And do not give in advance not only the desired sweets and cartoons, but also - which is much more important! - the privileges associated with growing up. As, actually, was at all times at all peoples. The child first had to prove that he had matured to transfer to another age category, and only then his rights expanded. And not vice versa, as often happens now.
Boys are more active than girls
Boys are on average more mobile and playful than girls. And this is also no accident. It would have been difficult for an inert smudge to cope with the difficult tasks of extracting food, protecting the family, searching for and developing new lands. Compared to girls, boys have a more developed sense of orientation. I remember how it amazed me that the eldest son already in three and a half years was showing me the way when I drove him by car through the whole city to my great-grandmother. I myself didn’t really remember the route, but it took several trips to tell me where to turn and where to go straight.
In boys, the hunter's ancient instinct slumbers. They need space, they need travel, adventure. 95% young male strollers. Spending most of their lives in a closed and fairly cramped space — a city apartment and a school class — the boys suffer from physical and mental deprivation (lack of movement and necessary positive emotions). Therefore, at the break or rushing out of the apartment on the street, they begin to play tricks, rush, mess around. Attempts to crush this splash of energy will lead to even greater overstrain, increased aggressiveness and disobedience. Many parents note that, being a few days in a row within four walls (for example, due to illness), the son begins to literally stand on his head. And having escaped to freedom, running into and jumping, it calms down, becomes more manageable and compliant.
Therefore, be sure to reckon with these little boy features. It is necessary to build a regime for children so that there is an opportunity to take a walk and run in the fresh air, go hiking, see new places, go skiing and skating in the winter, in the spring and summer - on a bicycle. In short, adults should saturate the boys' need for physical activity and space. A sedentary lifestyle, this scourge of citizens, and for adults is fraught with many extremely unpleasant diseases, but for the young, still emerging organism, it is simply destructive. Of course, there are things that you have to put up with. We are not able to cancel the class-study system of schoolwork, although within this system there are techniques that allow children to move. For example, the system V.F. The market hall, according to which the classes are equipped not with ordinary desks, but with desk-desks, and the schoolchildren can work either sitting or standing. But how a child spends his free time depends almost entirely on his parents: what they allow him, what they allocate funds for.
From this point of view, it is also better not to encourage the interest of the sons in computer and television. Especially on weekdays, after school. Among other drawbacks, this is an additional load for the eyes, and hypodynamia, which leads to disruption of the cardiovascular system and brain, which causes general weakness, insomnia, reduced work capacity, reduced mental activity. Hypodynamia also negatively affects the musculoskeletal system and the gastrointestinal tract. In short, the whole body.
At school age, boys are very important to engage in some sports section. This makes it possible to alternate mental loads with physical ones, disciplines, distracts from aimless spending time.
Take care of mind development
Speaking of mental stress. Destruction of fundamental education, teaching schoolchildren to act mainly within the framework of predetermined algorithms, training to solve stereotypical tasks, or even almost completely guessing the correct answer in test mode, when the test or exam is more like solving a crossword than a serious, deep testing of knowledge, such “innovations” that impede the normal development of the intellect, are simply murderous for boys. The male mind, inquisitive, free, seeking independent solutions, is driven into the cage. Yes, and the randomness of the presentation of the material, the lack of harmony and internal logic - all that was characteristic of classical education - are especially unbearable for the analytical, male mentality. Without understanding the meaning, without seeing logic in an arbitrary set of facts, an intelligent boy is lost. He cannot mechanically learn a lesson in order to please the teacher (a motive that is often quite sufficient for girls). Interest in learning disappears, difficulties accumulate, gaps in knowledge become more and more, and by the end of elementary school, a child who has given so much hope often turns into a neurotic trio.
If the boy also sits down from childhood on computer games, then the matter is quite seams. Not only because it is a kind of addiction that inevitably leads to a narrowing of horizons, a loss of curiosity, and often no other interests whatsoever besides gaming. The fact is that the computer, according to the reviews of psychiatrists and psychologists studying this issue, distorts the child’s thinking and teaches thinking not creatively, but technologically. In most popular games there is no scope for the flight of thought and fantasy, the search for solutions comes down to the choice of predetermined options (that is, this is also a kind of test), standard images and cliches are imposed on children. Thinking is programmed, there is a robotization of personality. The child does not learn to look for solutions on his own, does not learn to analyze and draw conclusions, but acts mainly through trial and error, because this is the only way to move forward in many computer games.
Pay attention to how many modern advertising guys with frankly stupid, even moronic facial expressions. Unfortunately, in this case, advertising is no longer giving out wishful thinking, but to a certain extent reflects reality. Enough to ride the subway, walk through the streets and look around. But for the most part, children are still not born intellectually flawed, but completely normal and even clever! So we are talking about typical pedagogical neglect and intentional duping of people in the framework of the information war, which is fraught with tragic consequences both for an individual and for the country as a whole. Stupid men not only do not inspire respect for women (and therefore lose the right of primacy in the family and society), but often turn out to be unable to realize what is happening. Therefore, they are easy to manipulate. And inertia, inflexibility, standardization of thinking leads to a narrow-mindedness, when even under the pressure of irrefutable evidence a person cannot accept a point of view that does not fit into the usual stereotypes, and either falls into aggression, or leaves reality in the world of computer-television dreams, intoxicates itself with drugs or alcohol. That is even more disables the already weak consciousness.
Boys need to be raised in a military spirit.
For many parents, the cadet corps is practically the only way to keep teens from going outside and further, as juvenile human rights defenders express, “conflict with the law”. For many, but not for all. For children with a fragile psyche (for example, those who, under the influence of stress, have nervous tics and obsessions), separation from home and tough male treatment can become an unbearable psychological burden. In any case, I repeatedly had to deal with the fact that, having given my son to a paramilitary institution on the advice of a psychologist or in my own mind, my parents subsequently had to treat him for neurosis.
And for other, more “thick-skinned” guys, a militarized educational institution is truly salutary. And to recognize who is more suited to someone, it is possible much earlier, without waiting for adolescence. How many times have you heard from relatives of willful boys, that of those who are gentle and gentle with them, they twist the ropes, and the formidable teacher or strict trainer adore and obey without question. And from the harassment of bullies such a guy will not suffer. He himself whom you want will oppress.
However, it often happens that mom exaggerates the vulnerability of her offspring. And because he still seems to her to be small, and because many women do not have enough sensitivity from their husbands, so they are looking for such an understanding in her son. And he, using his mother's condescension, completely beats off his hands. In those cases, alas, which are too common in our time when a family cannot cope with a recalcitrant teenager, and because of its immaturity, he is still not able to do without control and external motivation to work, it is better to think about the boy’s device boarding school. Let it not be militarized, but still it is where discipline is monitored, taught to self-control and self-service. This is what Princess Olga Nikolaevna Kulikovskaya-Romanova, the widow of Prince Tikhon Nikolaevich Kulikovsky-Romanov, who was brought by her nephew to the holy martyr Tsar Nicholas II, says about this: “It would be right after ten years when the child had already received full parental love and affection to give it to boarding school. There the child learns discipline. This is at home, he can bask in bed and not wash. And try to behave in a boarding school. Children in a team usually do everything with everyone. In the boarding school everyone gets up, everyone goes to the line, everyone goes to class ... As for boys, it is very important to revive the system of cadet corps in Russia ... Boys should be educated in a military spirit. Boys need it. They do not necessarily have to become military after the end of the cadet corps. But they will be disciplined for life. And the children will get friends for life. Cadet friendship forever. ”
Olga Nikolaevna knows what she is talking about, since she herself studied in a private boarding school for noble maidens. “If I had not been accustomed to discipline at the Mariinsky Don Institute,” testifies the princess, “I would not be able to transfer those tests that fell to my lot” [2].
Maternal pity (“How can he cope without me, he is so unprotected!”) In such cases does not benefit the son, and if you give this pity, then the consequences can be very dire. As it happened, for example, the mother of thirteen-year-old Leni K. As a child, he had a whole “bunch” of diseases: asthma, neurodermatitis, gastritis, scoliosis, endless acute respiratory infections. Mother raised him alone. The husband formally existed, but in reality was not present, did not give money, was interested not in his son, but mainly in vodka. Lyudmila Vadimovna "dragged" the child alone. By the age of ten, he had become stronger, although he still could not boast of excellent health. But in psychological terms, the situation is rapidly deteriorating. The guy in his eyes turned into an "anti-social element." And the mother, understanding and acknowledging this, signed on her helplessness, saying that she had a too soft character and had no influence on her son. It became clear to 13 years both for her and for those around her that if no urgent measures were taken, the guy would definitely follow the curve. He had already abandoned all circles, did not want to study, was rude to his mother and desperately sought independence, meaning by that the opportunity to come home whenever he pleases (or not to come at all) and do what his left leg wishes. Lyudmila Vadimovna called for help, begging to arrange a child in a good boarding school. The cadet corps refused to take him for health reasons.
Some compassionate people with great difficulty managed to agree on the admission of Leni to a good closed school, located outside of Moscow, far from urban temptations. Truly gigantic work was undertaken, since mom did not have money to pay, and with marks like Leonid, not only in a good school, but also in the mean seed it was risky to meddle. In addition, the boy himself constantly put sticks in the wheels, knowing that you would not play at the boarding school. The maximum that he agreed to is to go there for the holidays in order to “just see” (and during that time they promised to pull him up in the main subjects). But, once in place, Lyonya, as often happens with children, quickly settled down, became involved in an interesting, meaningful life that teachers tried to arrange for students who did not leave for one reason or another in the summer to go home, became friends with the children. Then the school year began. Lyonya did well in all subjects, did not break the discipline, was fond of playing basketball. In short, what else could you want? However, the mother after the end of the first quarter took her son to Moscow. For what reason? And because Leni, when she visited him, had a weary (and, as she thought, unhappy) appearance, he complained to her of fatigue and a strict trainer, forcing him to wring out his fists. Well, he also had a runny nose, and the nurse did not pay enough attention to it, just gave the child a drop, and that was all. And Lyonya was scattered and irresponsible: he put the vial on the nightstand and forgot. So not for long and antritis to earn!
Now Leonid is sixteen. Mother has bitten all the elbows for a long time, but you cannot return what you have done. By the end of the ninth grade, the son, however, still held out, but this was given to her at such a high price that at the mere thought of her experience, tears flow in a stream. At the moment, the guy does not study, does not work, sleeps for four days, then staggers somewhere or sits at the computer, with mate and threats extorts money from his mother, steals in supermarkets, gets drunk. About health, of course, does not think. Lyudmila Vadimovna inspires herself and others that at least the case has not reached the drugs, but it looks more like psychotherapy ... Recently, Lyonya has contacted football fans. What's next is better not to think. One of his buddies, three years older, is already sitting at the stabbing, the second in a fight broke two ribs and a collarbone ...
Listening to this saga, which is becoming more nightmarish with each chapter, I want to exclaim: “So what have you achieved by protecting your son from a strict trainer and from a cold?” But what's the point of asking? But Lenya was even going to be transferred over time to the cadet class - he was in a boarding school like that - he proved himself so well ...
And how were boys raised before?
Thinking about education, it is instructive to refer to the experience gained in the people. Say, how did Russian peasants, who constituted the overwhelming majority of the population before the revolution, raise boys? “The lack of strong power and proper supervision from the father, supported by the practice of using force, was considered to be the cause of family disorder, debauchery, indiscipline of children, quarrels and fights between them,” writes VG Cold in the article "Fatherly punishment in the upbringing of a teenage boy among the Eastern Slavs in the late XIX - early XX century". “In Russians, disobedience to the fatherly will assigned to the son the nickname of“ nepochetnik ”/“ disrespect ”,“ disobedient ”, which was considered shameful, and could be a reason for expelling from the house without a part of the father's property” [3]. Among the Little Russians, even the proverb existed: "Whoever does not hear the tata, that hear the kata (the executioner)".
“Until the end of infancy,” the author continues, “the father, who appeared in the rituals of“ humanization ”(in the first swaddling, christening, tonsure) as a symbol of communion with the family, race, and for the boy who was the prototype of masculinity, almost did not participate in raising his son ... Before 5 – 7, and sometimes up to 12 years, the children were under the care of the mother, she had basic responsibilities for the care and care of the children. The head of the family performed the function of general supervision, he was called upon as the highest authority when the child broke the rules, but the punishment during this period was not his prerogative. ”
“Father has little communication with them, since they are not yet his assistants. He rarely punishes them, and for the most part his mother does it, ”informants from the Vologda and Kostroma provinces reported.
“The old man does not beat children in vain. In the summer, he does not have time to get along with the children, and in the winter only in the evenings: he sits on his knees, tells fairy tales ”[4]. In the Vologda district, while the sons were small, they were called “mother’s children”. Caressing them, she directly said: "This is still my son." From 12 years, as soon as the sons began to help the father in the field and other male works, they got out of the supervision of the mother and, unlike the daughters, became the “children of the father”. Now the mother communicated with her sons less, the prerogative of upbringing, and therefore of encouragement and punishment, went to her father.
The son, brought up by his mother until adulthood, outside the male community, was ridiculed by the people as spoiled, unintelligible, inconsistent. He was given the nickname "mama's son", which speaks for itself. In 1772, a peasant woman-widow of the Tomsk province “announced” in the Berd ship hut that she had “with her son Feodor ... someone to go to tillage and a house institution to teach no one,” and asked permission to move with her son to the mother. “Observers unanimously confirm the conclusion about the exceptional role of the father and, in general, of the older men in the family in raising their sons,” the historian N.A. Minenko [5].
Children under the age of 5 – 7 were treated mildly, almost not punished, many misconceptions and mischief were glimpsed. ““ En Ishsho is small, he lacks sense, ”the father said about his son,“ he will grow up, will come to his senses, then he will do, and now what to take with him? ” You didn’t get him out, and tomorrow again for the same ”... As soon as the children“ came into their minds ”, the attitude towards them became stricter and more exacting, they began to be“ taught ”, that is, scolded and reprimanded for pranks and disobedience. Especially strictly acted if the child mischievous in front of adults, interfered and did not obey the comments; Repeated punishment (“wedge wedge knocked out”) could be earned by the one who, having received his own, yelled and complained for a long time ”[6].
Labor education of boys began quite early. In the peasant environment, ingenuity, thrift, skillful hands were highly valued. “Already a three-year-old boy helps his mother: to clean potatoes, sweep the floor, find his father's sash, gather peas into a cup, kick the chickens out of the garden,” reported at the end of the 19th century from the Novaya Ladoga district of the St. Petersburg province [7]. Then the boys gradually accustomed to male work. In 6 – 7 years, they had already driven cattle into the yard, with 8 – 9 - they drove horses to a watering place, traveled with the older guys at night, learned to sit on a horse and manage it, drove adults to lunch in the field. By the 9 – 10 years (in other places a little later), the boy was able to harness a horse on his own, helped his father in harrowing, put the sheaves on a barn and threshed. The boy who ruled a horse during a harrow was called a harrow. Not only the child, but also his entire family was proud of the achievement of the boronovolk age (from 10 to 15 years). Even the proverb “Your boronovolok is more expensive than someone else’s employee” was common. At the same time, they also taught various crafts necessary for farming. Depending on the specifics of a particular area, it could be wood or leather processing, weaving of bast shoes, twine, etc. Boys and accustomed to fishing and hunting. All this happened under the supervision of elders. Especially strictly suppressed laziness.
Usually by the age of majority, or even earlier, in 14 – 15 years, family punishments ended. They did not punish me for faults anymore, but tried to convince with words. The older the son became, the more respectfully the adults addressed him. Only a community court could punish an adult son for disobedience, disrespect, or insult inflicted on his father. According to the parents' complaint, the administration could punish with arrest or publicly whip out rods, and the village and volost authorities could not refuse to assist. The offended father gathered the village and asked the neighbors to tear off his son in the presence of all. Such an extreme measure covered the son with shame, opposed to society and actually removed it from the field of reproduction, because the public flogging of an adult boy was considered an indelible shame, the girls refused to marry him.
The basis for the rigid system of restrictions on the activity of a teenage boy was the idea of the spontaneity and uncontrollability of his essence.
Much attention was paid to the heroic education of sons. In the mass consciousness, commanders and military heroes who earned the glory of Russia were highly valued. The type of national leader of Ancient Russia is represented by the princes, the leaders of the squads ... In their exploits both personal righteousness and national service were valued - that they, not sparing their stomachs, defended their native land. Simple people who sacrificed themselves for the sake of the Fatherland were also very honored. At the end of the 19th century, one of the correspondents from the Gzhatsky district of the Smolensk province reported to the Ethnographic Bureau that “people are pleased to read about those who sacrificed themselves to Russia ... the feats of many insignificant persons shown during the Patriotic War 1812 of the year cause pride of the people and deep respect to the unknown heroes, the memory of which is transferred from the elder to the younger ”[8]. The ideal of a bold, strong, loyal to the Fatherland warrior, reliable friend and comrade passes through all the folklore - from the epics to the late soldier songs. Remarkable is the fact of the existence of soldiers' songs - their themes were close to the peasantry. Since the Northern War, when the soldier's mass first appeared as a collective hero of the Russian epic, these songs have become almost central to Russian historical poetry [9].
The one called up for military service was in the eyes of the people a defender of the Fatherland and invariably felt respectful attitude of the villagers, all the inhabitants of the region. Seeing off to the soldiers was solemn. The rookie was blessed by parents, as well as by the godfather and mother. The return of the soldier from the service also constituted an event for the whole village. A lot of people gathered in the hut to listen to his stories about our military force. The theme of battles, military exploits in the past and present was constant during conversations at meetings of adults, often in the presence of children. The stories about wars focused on the success of Russian troops. The bad news penetrated the people sporadically and did not attach much importance to failures, being sure that the enemies would not be able to resist the Russians, that “God himself, the Mother of God and St. Nicholas would not allow it” [10]. In other words, optimism and belief in victory were brought up in the younger generations of future men. The decadent moods, so common in recent decades among our population, were not popular, although the conditions of life were much worse today, and the defeats, as we know from history, also happened.
It was considered shameful to coward, evade, and hiding behind comrades. Here is what an interesting testimony about the nature of the representations of the Kuban Cossacks was left by the war correspondent in the Far East during the Russo-Japanese War of 1904 – 1905. He had a chance to talk with Kuban plastinos - so called special units engaged in reconnaissance, sabotage operations, etc. You can say it was an analogue of modern special forces. “Tall, mighty as an oak, a Kuban Cossack complained bitterly that he had been appointed in a wagon train. “Did I go here only to clean the horse and carry the grain? What will I say at home when they ask me how I fought with the Japanese? ”The real grief shone on the energetic face ...“ And is it impossible to do that, ”continued the Cossack,“ in order for us, the plastins, to enlist everyone in the ranks in the train to appoint spare soldiers? Between them there are some very bad little men. ”” [11].
[1] Bohutskaya T. Boys prefer to compete, and girls - to cooperate // Home education. 2004. No. 2. C. 3 – 4.
[2] Kulikovskaya-Romanova ON I see the transformation of Russia // http://www.ruspred.ru/arh/23/25rr.html.
[3] Male compilation. Issue 2. M., 2004. C. 170.
[4] Derlitsa M. Selyanski diti // Ethnographic site. Lviv, 1896. T. 1. C. 131.
[5] N.Nenko Russian peasant family in Western Siberia (XVIII - first half of the XIX century). Novosibirsk, 1979. C. 121.
[6] Cold VG Paternal punishment in the upbringing of a teenage boy in the Eastern Slavs in the late XIX - early XX century // Male collection. Issue 2. C. 175.
[7] Listova T.A. Traditions of labor education in the village. Russians. M., 1997. C. 115.
[8] A.V. Buganov Warrior-hero in the historical memory of Russian // Male collection. C. 200.
[9] Ibid.
[10] Ibid. S. 200-201.
[11] Tonkonogov I. Our Cossacks in the Far East // Collection of stories of correspondents and participants of the war, placed in various periodicals. SPb., 1907. C. 28.
Myths leading through the looking glass
In my opinion, the myth about the increased vulnerability of the male psyche is one of such harmless myths. Say, the female psyche is more stable, and men, although considered to be a stronger sex, but this is rather a misunderstanding. In fact, everything is exactly the opposite. Hyperactivity, autism, various types of addiction (alcoholism, drug addiction, computer and gaming addiction) are more often affected by the male, not female. And men live, as you know, fewer women. In general, what can I say? - An undeniable fact!
But to speak, meanwhile, can be about many things. To begin at least from the fact that men were always so weak, the human race would have stopped long ago, because the share of men at all times was the most difficult, dangerous occupation, the most difficult work. Try to fight, having a fragile, vulnerable psyche! Or even hunt for ferocious beasts, and without firearms weaponsas many generations of our ancestors did! And the life of a peasant farmer? How much grueling physical work! How many, to put it in modern language, stress and psychotrauma! The constant threat of famine due to crop failure (at least in the Russian zone of risky farming), high infant and child mortality ... No matter how convincing yourself that people looked at the death of children differently ("God gave - God took"), it was a grief that needed to be experienced. For what a lot of strength was required.
And what responsibility lay on the head of a large family! It is even difficult for modern people to imagine what a huge burden it is, because from the cradle we tune in to something completely different. For us, three children are already many children, and five or six (the average number of children in Russian families before the revolution) is almost a sign of insanity. Especially if the "conditions do not allow." And “conditions” should create a state with which we are always dissatisfied, because it is “not sufficient”. That is, citizens take the position of adolescents in relation to the state, who are fighting for their rights, but at the same time striving to evade from duties. I will not go into details in order not to go too far away from the topic. Let me just say that this world view was deeply alien to our ancestors. Years 150 – 200 ago, a Russian man would be very surprised to hear the now fashionable maxim “I owe nothing to anyone.”
But it’s absolutely clear that only strong people can withstand the burden of responsibility. And the greater the burden, the person must be stronger.
Hence, the thesis of the initially more fragile, vulnerable psyche of men does not hold water. But on the other hand, men really weakened, which proves, in particular, the statistics of the above mental disorders.
What is the matter? It seems to me that the fact is that man, if I may say so, is a more social being than a woman. For centuries and even millennia, the world of women was limited to the family circle. They did not participate in public affairs. Of course, there were exceptions, but they did not change the order of things. Men, on the other hand, formed living conditions in society, created public and state institutions, managed them, made laws (among others, concerning the family). This is probably why their psyche responds more strongly to the situation of social and cultural breakdown. They adopt new social attitudes faster, they feel more keenly where the “public wind” blows, they have less conservatism. Accordingly, if socio-cultural changes are positive, boys will strive to come closer to a positive ideal. If there is propaganda of degenerative “values” and behavior patterns in society, the male part of the population degrades more intensively than the female part.
Just a few fairly recent examples. In the 1990s, when an alcoholic president was in power in Russia and everyone knew about it, drunkenness at work (including in very prestigious institutions and departments) became almost a ubiquitous phenomenon. And it seemed that nothing could be done about it. It got to the point that the bosses, who could not be drunk for health reasons, were sent to subdue instead of themselves. So it was with a friend of our family, who occupied a very high place on the bureaucratic ladder. The poor fellow almost drank himself and was forced to change his place of work under the threat of divorce ...
But another person came to power - and heavy drinking in the workplace quickly stopped. Moreover, this did not require any special decrees! It’s just that drunkenness “suddenly” among the bosses became not prestigious, and subordinates are guided by the bosses. No wonder they say that the fish rots from the head.
Another example. In 1990, when the cry “Get Rich!” Was cast from above, many boys of preschool and primary school age, who were brought to us for a consultation, dreamed of getting rich. And to the question "Who do you want to be when you grow up?" Answered in unison: "Businessman." Now, dreams of wealth (in any case, among our contingent) are much less popular, and the profession of an entrepreneur is hardly on the list of “life strategies”. But many people want to become a football player, including those to whom this is clearly “not shining” for health reasons. What changed? Has money lost its importance? Or did business become unnecessary? - No, but there was a shift in the public consciousness. The issue of unjustly acquired wealth is increasingly being raised in the media. The word "oligarch" is already strongly associated with the label "thief", and they began to promote football (again, from the top). Football news stand out in particular, in many cafes the opportunity has appeared to watch live broadcasts of football championships. The state again slowly began to support the idea that football distracts adolescents from bad habits ... The result was not slow.
Why are there a choice of profession! Even the desire to continue the race in many men does not arise at the level of instinct, but under the influence of social attitudes. It is prestigious to be the father of a large family - they will strive for this. If, on the contrary, the image of don Juan is demanded in society, which, for obvious reasons, children are not needed, many men will breathe a sigh of relief. Notice how few of them are outraged by the gross violation of men's rights in pro-abortion legislation, according to which a wife can have an abortion without her husband’s consent. But we are talking about the murder of their common child! Hence, this situation suits men. They do not at all consider this to be an infringement of their rights, since both in the Soviet and especially in the post-Soviet times the large families were presented as something archaic, burdening a normal person with unnecessary worries, preventing them from developing, living an intense, full-fledged (now they say "quality") life. Therefore, a situation where, according to the law, the wife in fact single-handedly determines the number of children in the family, often without even informing her husband of what is happening, does not seem humiliating to many men. Although in fact it is humiliating to disgrace! But try to extrapolate the situation to something else, more valuable in the eyes of modern society. Let's say, propose a law according to which the wife will have the right to dispose of the apartment or cottage acquired during the marriage, without asking the spouse's consent to sell the property or even letting him know about it, and the spouse will be deprived of this right - this will cause all men a storm of negative emotions.
Very clearly the social orientation of men manifested itself in the difficult perestroika and post-perestroika years. The state collapsed, the clamps that held the society collapsed; the creators of public opinion began to assure the people that you can do everything that is not prohibited by law. Thus, morality was actually abolished, because many unseemly actions, condemned by public morality, are not formally prohibited by law. Meanness is not prohibited, fornication and adultery, too. Drunkenness and drug addiction are not again prosecuted by law. People were left to themselves: survive, as you know. Do whatever you want. Or do nothing. The criminal article on parasitism was canceled, the compulsory treatment of alcoholics and drug addicts was declared harmful, ineffective, violating human rights, even sobering plants - and they were closed down. The country was flooded with cheap vodka, overwhelmed with drugs, pornography and other attributes of Western freedom. And many fathers of families could not resist. Realizing that there is no governing on them, they (not to mention the unmarried guys) set foot in the wind. Of course, not every man behaved this way, however it was (and still is) a fairly widespread phenomenon. Mothers succumbed to the temptation to “throw a cap on the mill” much less often (although it also happened). A typical picture of those times: women shuttle trays with bales above their height. What forced them to strain, ruin their health, to be exposed to various dangers, deprivations, humiliations? Why they could not follow her husband away from the unbearably difficult reality? After all, alcohol was not sold by gender. And there was no rule on them, as well as on men. What prevented them, taking advantage of impunity, to quickly roll on an inclined plane?
A maternal instinct prevented them. The one who makes a little helpless bird breast protect chicks from a predator, at times exceeding its strength and size. Mothers felt sorry for the children more than themselves. And they could not imagine life without them, they did not psychologically separate themselves from the child, although he could no longer be a little boy, but a teenager. Yes, and physically they had to part with it for the time of travel for the goods, and then work in the market. But still they were one with the child, a family.
The same instinct does not allow the overwhelming majority of mothers to leave disabled children. There are exceptions, but so far, despite a more than twenty-year morale attack, these are exceptions. The situation when the father abandons the family in which the child was born disabled, is so common that it does not surprise anyone. “I could not stand the load,” they usually say in such cases. Formulation in the spirit of tolerance that is fashionable today: seemingly an explanation and at the same time a hidden excuse. What, they say, take it? Men are fragile, vulnerable, everyone knows that ...
All this I do not write to sting men and praise women. The point is not to clarify the question “Who is the most?” And not to shift the blame to the opposite sex. Just without abandoning the myths that distort reality, you will not understand how to get rid of distortions. Based on false premises, you will not come to the right conclusions. And you will not reach the goal if you wander in a fog in some other direction.
Our goal, for the sake of which the whole previous conversation was started, is to understand how to bring up boys in modern conditions. What do we have to do? What to proceed from? Agree, there is a huge difference between the idea of men as initially fragile, vulnerable creatures and the statement that it is not male nature itself, but the incompatibility of this nature with the features of the so-called post-industrial, postmodern society causes the obvious weakening of men already observed with the naked eye. In the first case, fragile creatures need to be cherished, cherished, and if hardened, then be extremely careful, otherwise the tender plant will not survive and will die. In the second case, emphasis should be placed on changing installations, on reorientation of the micro- and macrosocium. To eliminate as much as possible from the child’s life the factors interfering with the normal development of his masculinity.
Of course, now it is more difficult to do. It is much easier to groom, cherish and demand nothing. But we have no other choice if we want to simply survive. Futurological reasoning about some kind of posthumanity, for which supposedly everything will be different, is shameless bluff. At least, in our country, to which so many centuries in a row all those who felt like it were opened, further weakening of the male principle is fraught with the loss of not only living space, but also life itself. It would be naive to believe that the people of the “extra country” - so, without ceremony, called Western politicians in 1990-s for Westerners - would not be superfluous at the feast of winners.
What prevents the formation of a male beginning
Well, what exactly in modern society prevents the formation of the masculine?
I think this is, first of all, the installation on hedonism. The fundamental installation of the consumer society. If the “ideal consumer” is in demand in society, if the thirst for pleasure is paramount, then, respectively, in a person egoism, individualism and infantilism flourish. He does not grow up, does not develop as a person. Only objects of lust change: adults appear instead of children's toys. But the essence remains the same. It is not a person who controls his desires, but they overflow, overwhelm him and entail, like a torrent, a light, small chip. And when a person can not resist their passions, what kind of willpower to talk about?
It is easy to see that all this contributes to the success of the enemy in the information-psychological war, the purpose of which is to weaken the potential defenders of the Fatherland (that is, men). And if now we look at this modern “problem child” from this point of view, we will see that the goal has been largely achieved. Based on our own observations, as well as on the complaints of parents and teachers, unanimously testifying that in recent years there are more and more difficult children (mainly boys), we outline an approximate portrait of such a child.
He is excitable, poorly focused, quickly tired, superficial, often does not have expressed creative, cognitive interests, but tends only to entertainment, is easily influenced by bad influence, does not know how to predict the consequences of his actions (first he does, then he thinks), undisciplined. At the same time, he is ambitious, competitive, he has overestimated claims, claims for leadership in the absence of potential for such a difficult task. He is often anxious and even cowardly, but he tries to disguise his cowardice with bravado. Feeling unpunished, such a child demonstrates demonstration and self-will. He is emotionally underdeveloped, incapable of deep feelings, treats those around him, even those closest to him, is consumer, as objects of manipulation, does not take into account other people's experiences, in the event of a benefit for himself can easily deceive, go to their heads, do not admit their mistakes , does not feel real repentance (unashamed).
It is these people who are at risk for alcoholism and drug addiction, which are very effective ways of exterminating the population in the cold war phase. And in the transition to real fighting, the army, consisting of men with a similar profile of behavior, has no chance of winning. Some of them will quickly be slaughtered, the other part will scatter or go over to the side of the enemy.
It is quite obvious that culturally and historically not only in our country, but also in the rest of the world, this type of men was a sign of degeneration, since it did not correspond to the main tasks of the stronger sex: to be a protector, creator, breadwinner, head of family and clan, support of society and the state. And the creation of conditions under which the above-mentioned negative qualities develop to the detriment of positive ones inevitably leads to the distortion of the male psyche, weakening of the mind and body, and shortening of life. It is programmed.
There is another extremely important factor. Modern consumer society seeks to erase from the life of man all the higher meanings. Meaning - in consumption and enjoyment. What else to do? The lower, more difficult and more primitive - the “cooler” you are! Mocks everything that makes a man a man. The media and other channels of influence on public opinion are making titanic efforts in order to erode — and in the long run and completely eliminate — the traditional concepts of duty and honor, patriotism, love and loyalty. Naturally, a modern libertarian who sets the tone for building an “open global society” does not believe in God. And even if he believes in one who favors Sodom in all its manifestations (that is, not in God, but in the devil). But among ordinary people, who are particularly frank ideologues, don’t even call people, but say “biomass”, atheism is persistently promoted: talk about saving the soul is ridiculous, this is the day before yesterday, fanaticism, obscurantism and - again, in the long run - religious extremism .
In our country, which in the XX century has already experienced a period of militant atheism, and not in the cold, but in the hot phase, with the destruction of churches and the murder of millions of Orthodox Christians, things are a little different. Here are two mutually exclusive trends. On the one hand, more and more people come to Christ. On the other hand, the liberals are intensifying attacks on the Church, trying to weaken it both outside and inside. The outcome of the struggle will depend on whether Russia will be able to gain sovereignty and go on its own path of development, reviving traditional Christian values and decisively rejecting everything that it is trying to dilute and destroy. But by itself sovereignty will not fall on our heads. Whether we find it or not depends on each of us. Including how people will raise their children.
What to focus on in raising boys
One of the most important qualities linked to sex (those without which men can hardly be called men) is courage. The development of this quality was actively encouraged in all nations at all times. Now with this problem. Many families (not only incomplete, but often such where dad is) suffer from over-care. And then the media inflates fear. Juvenalschiki, hooked on Western grants, urge to ban children from being left unattended until fourteen years old. There are already quite a few cases when there is an abrasion or a bruise seen by a teacher in a child - and even more so an appeal to a trauma center with suspected concussion or a broken bone! - turned into a formidable evidence of "ill-treatment in the family." And my mother had to make excuses in front of the district police officer, arguing that she did not disgrace, who wanted the child to be evil. If such a practice takes root and the parents, rightly fearing trouble, will begin to shake over the children even more, guarding their every step, it will be possible to put an end to the education of courage. This can not be allowed.
Of course, courage should be brought up taking into account the nature of the child, not over-exaggerating him at an early age, so as not to cause neuroticism. But to encourage this quality in boys is absolutely necessary. And now it often happens that the parents themselves do not have an understanding of how important it is. They are much more concerned with the development of intelligence, perseverance, diligence, creative abilities - all that is needed for a good study and further placement in high-paying office work, etc.
But, first, it is far from a fact that life in comfort and coziness will continue for immeasurable times. No matter how much we would like to live quietly, peace is most likely not the test. Secondly, in the current, fairly quiet life, people are not immune from all sorts of unpleasant incidents such as attacks by bullies. And, thirdly (and in fact, firstly), since courage is one of the most important masculine qualities, on him, as a foundation, a male personality is largely built. Judge for yourself.
A brave man is a courageous man (a word that testifies for itself!). And masculinity presupposes both stamina, and endurance, and “dashing valiant,” and a craving for overcoming difficulties. And, of course, willpower, without which a male character cannot be forged. Life in the modern city significantly limits the development of all these qualities. It is no coincidence that so many boys "sit down" on computer games. The point is not only that this is a fashionable leisure and “currency of communication” among children and adolescents. Much more important is the fact that computer games make it possible for a teenager to escape from reality and pretend to be a real man, without developing male qualities in himself, but by replacing them with a game phantom. In life you have to go to the gym, do exercises every day, do exercises that you don’t necessarily give you easily, tolerate coach’s remarks and strikes at your pride when someone else is more successful. And here - he closed in the room, sat down more comfortably, launched the "comp", clicked several times with the mouse - and you are a hero, build up strength, power ... Cheap and angry! No wonder it is weak-willed, unmanly (although, perhaps, hiding their cowardice) adolescents so often become cyber-dictators. A brave, strong-willed guy will not spend all his free time on this trash. Of course, he can play, but it is much more interesting for him to do some vigorous activity, work, learn something new, go on a kayak trip, climb the mountains, fight with the opponent not on the screen, but in the ring ... Difficulties, failures it only provoke. He is not afraid of life, does not hide from her like a snail in the shell, does not give hysterical reactions so characteristic of computer games fans, does not maneuver, trying to cover up cowardice and weakness with bravado and "nap". In other words, a normal guy does not behave like a pampered, spoiled loon of a young woman, it is unclear why he pretends to be the commander in the family.
Other - no less important - masculine qualities are nobility and generosity. They do not allow animal ferocity and cruelty to roam, do not allow them to sneer at the weak, impose a veto on vulgarity and cynicism.
Modern mass culture is trying to send these valuable men's qualities in the scrap. The cutesy, hysterical "it", adorning itself with necklaces and earrings, caring for the skin of the face according to all the rules of cosmetology of the 21st century, and not even embarrassed to defile, is advertised vigorously, but only on the runway, not in the street - in a skirt. For those who do not want to obabit completely, a different option is offered: a stupid, rude dork, outwardly and internally not much different from an orangutan. I will not delve into the topic, but, as far as I can judge by expert estimates, these are the two poles of the “culture of Sodom”. Neither one nor the other has nothing to do with real masculinity.
Reflecting on the differences between boys and girls, psychologists note that boys have a developed “feeling of the pack” and willingly recognize the social hierarchy. They are competitive, fighting for leadership. Girls are more sensitive to interpersonal relationships. Their communication is more trusting, each usually has a best friend with whom they share secrets. Of course, among the girls there are weak and strong personalities, but the desire to become the “leader of the pack”, as a rule, is not peculiar to them. And it is absolutely clear. The purpose of a woman is to be a wife and mother, to give loved ones love and tenderness. A man is given the role of a superior by God. Someone - small, someone big - it depends on the potential and on how it will be possible to realize it, how life will be.
But this overriding role cannot be overlooked in the education of boys. Otherwise, the formation of a male character will be distorted. The one who is weaker will be crushed, will become passive and cowardly. The natures will begin to stubbornly, rebel. Of course, parents should not allow their son to command them (now this is often the case, since it is easier for adults to yield than to endure the scandals of their offspring). But since boys are very sensitive to hierarchy, they no longer respect adults who allow themselves to sit on their necks. And they quickly get out of control, loosen up, they are not accustomed to discipline, work and responsibility.
Without the development of the above qualities: courage, perseverance, endurance, willpower, initiative and independence, generosity and nobility, it is impossible to be a normal boss. Neither in a family, nor in a society, nor in the state. And without fulfilling his main purpose, a man does not feel happy, tries to console himself with surrogates and often gets completely confused, ineptly wasting his best years. Parents of boys should initially set a correct goal. But many people come to their senses too late, when it is already clear to even the blind that the guy is not ready for the male role. And what to do with it then is a big question.
The spiritual education of boys: the challenges of time
Sports, mastering the techniques of struggle, participation in hiking, familiarization with the work of focusing on traditionally male work, many heroic examples that abound story, literature, art, and — thank God — modern life — in the language of mathematics, conditions are necessary but not sufficient for real male education.
Nowadays, when spiritual warfare becomes harsher, a person cannot stand without spiritual support. Everything is shaky, ghostly; traditions that allow people, at least by inertia, to follow the good traditions of their ancestors, have been lost, values have been disputed, the top and bottom are turned over. Overwhelmingly, fathers are not a spiritual authority for children; they cannot instruct them in faith and piety. And this means that they are not the real heads of the family, no matter how much money they earn or whatever official posts they hold. And the sons, having grown up a bit, are more oriented towards their fathers than with their mothers. In recent years, however, the men in the temples have increased, but the situation has not changed radically. But it must change dramatically, for a society in which a woman is spiritually, spiritually, and now sometimes physically stronger than men, is doomed to self-destruction.
Moreover, in matters of the spiritual education of boys, it is also important to take into account their peculiarities linked to sex. The perception of boys and girls varies considerably. Girls learn emotional information better because they are more sensitive, romantic, and set up to establish warm, trusting relationships with the teacher. Their perception is usually more specific, aimed at practical tasks: where can I apply the knowledge gained? Men's mindset is different - more analytical. Therefore, among men there are much more mathematicians, physicists, philosophers. Boys better master abstract science. In one of the studies conducted on this topic, the number of adolescent boys with mathematical abilities exceeded the number of their contemporaries in the ratio 13: 1 [1]. Boys, it is important to dig to the bottom, to see the depth and scope of the problem. They easily solve new problems and, unlike girls, do not like stereotypical ones. They are aimed at new knowledge, repetitions are boring for them.
If you look from this point of view on the introduction of children to the faith, we will see that it, like secular education, is now more designed for girls. While children are small, it is not so noticeable. Many boys are also happy to cut angels out of paper, paint Easter eggs, perform in Christmas performances. But closer to the youthful age of all this, and even wrestling, hiking, pilgrim trips, etc., are not enough. They, like many previous generations of “Russian boys” (FM Dostoevsky's expression), begin to look for a deeper meaning in life. And, not finding the understanding of others, priniyayut to other sources.
And understanding is not easy to find now. Churched adults are now mostly women. And to the adolescent and youthful age, the psychology of boys is very different from that of women. In addition, the parents of today's adolescents, as a rule, came to faith at a more or less conscious age, having managed to wander in the dark and finally come to the light. Therefore, it often seems to them that the son is frantic with fat: “Okay, we didn’t know something, but the meaning of diapers is open to you! Go to the temple, pray, confess, take communion, try not to sin, but sin, repent. And all will be well!"
And this, of course, is correct, but the boy is not satisfied. Deep, serious male mentoring is necessary for modern youths like air. To solve this issue only by the forces of the priests, who are already overloaded so that their own children are often almost not seen, is unrealistic. It is important for parents to understand this and to make sure in advance that the teenager had a chance to discuss with anyone, share his opinions and doubts. It is best, of course, that this role be assumed and adequately performed by the father himself. It is even difficult to convey what a great happiness it is for a son to be proud of his father not just as a respected person, an expert in some business, but also as a moral, spiritual authority. And what a great honor for the father in an era of demonstrative overthrow of the authorities, the triumph of rudeness.
If the understanding of these things is returned to society, many fathers will think and start behaving differently. After all, all men, even little boys, want to be respected. Question: for what? Now this is a key question. Until his decision passes into the spiritual plane, until men mature to the realization of the paramount importance of faith and begin to behave accordingly, the boys will be brought up with a limp. No matter how hard the mothers tried to fill in with the unfinished fathers.
Give the word - hold on!
Teach the boys to keep their word. Once it was considered a matter of honor and the inherent quality of a man. Even Russian merchants and businessmen often concluded trade deals in words: “they shook hands”. Not to fulfill the promise meant to lose confidence in your circle, to be considered an dishonorable, low, non-handshaking person. The society did not show any condescension in this respect. “If you didn’t say a word, be strong, but if you did, hold on,” popular wisdom demanded. Now we are told that the failure to fulfill promises is perfectly normal. In politics, this is not supposed to happen otherwise. But if you justify the dishonesty of statesmen, what then to demand from ordinary people: husbands, fathers, sons?
It turns out that there is no one to rely on. In response to your request, they say yes, but that means nothing. The mother, returning home from work, once again sees her son with lessons not done, buried in a computer, and a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink, although on the phone he vowed that everything would be all right when she arrived. Appealing to her husband is also pointless: he himself does not fulfill promises. The shelves that the husband was supposed to hang three weeks ago are still not even unpacked. Yes, and physically his presence in the apartment is not observed, despite the fact that the day before he firmly promised to return from work early and do mathematics with his son ... I will not continue this realistic sketch. Everything is too familiar. Let me just say that in women such infantile non-obligation of men causes a rapid loss of respect. Apparently, because it enters into a sharp contradiction with the archetypical image of her husband as a hope and support, behind which is like a stone wall. A wife can come to terms with many of the disadvantages of a spouse, but the loss of respect for marriage is fatal. Even if it does not formally fall apart, the wife will experience deepest disappointment and react accordingly.
Therefore, wishing the boy happiness, he is sure to - I apologize for the pun! - it is necessary to teach them to be bound, to teach them to fulfill their promises. How to teach? Yes, in general, there is no special wisdom. If a child is inclined to be cunning and manipulated, if he is begging for advances, and having received them, does not fulfill the promise, then there is no need to give advances. It must be an iron law that does not break through with any persuasion and tantrums. "In the morning, money - in the evening chairs." And nothing else. And in parallel, it is worthwhile to periodically tell the son (not a reproach, but, as it were, just so) that real men can keep their word. It is worth reading the story of A.I. Panteleyev "Honest Word" and discuss it. And also give examples from life. Including from the life of great people, life stories. Say, recall the episode from the lives of the holy martyrs Adrian and Natalia or the martyr Basilisk. Adrian was released to his wife so that he would inform her about the day of his execution. And Basilisk asked the prison guards to let him go to say goodbye to his relatives. Theoretically, both martyrs could have escaped, but they returned to certain death because they wanted to suffer for Christ and did not want to lose their good name, to pass for deceivers and cowards.
And do not give in advance not only the desired sweets and cartoons, but also - which is much more important! - the privileges associated with growing up. As, actually, was at all times at all peoples. The child first had to prove that he had matured to transfer to another age category, and only then his rights expanded. And not vice versa, as often happens now.
Boys are more active than girls
Boys are on average more mobile and playful than girls. And this is also no accident. It would have been difficult for an inert smudge to cope with the difficult tasks of extracting food, protecting the family, searching for and developing new lands. Compared to girls, boys have a more developed sense of orientation. I remember how it amazed me that the eldest son already in three and a half years was showing me the way when I drove him by car through the whole city to my great-grandmother. I myself didn’t really remember the route, but it took several trips to tell me where to turn and where to go straight.
In boys, the hunter's ancient instinct slumbers. They need space, they need travel, adventure. 95% young male strollers. Spending most of their lives in a closed and fairly cramped space — a city apartment and a school class — the boys suffer from physical and mental deprivation (lack of movement and necessary positive emotions). Therefore, at the break or rushing out of the apartment on the street, they begin to play tricks, rush, mess around. Attempts to crush this splash of energy will lead to even greater overstrain, increased aggressiveness and disobedience. Many parents note that, being a few days in a row within four walls (for example, due to illness), the son begins to literally stand on his head. And having escaped to freedom, running into and jumping, it calms down, becomes more manageable and compliant.
Therefore, be sure to reckon with these little boy features. It is necessary to build a regime for children so that there is an opportunity to take a walk and run in the fresh air, go hiking, see new places, go skiing and skating in the winter, in the spring and summer - on a bicycle. In short, adults should saturate the boys' need for physical activity and space. A sedentary lifestyle, this scourge of citizens, and for adults is fraught with many extremely unpleasant diseases, but for the young, still emerging organism, it is simply destructive. Of course, there are things that you have to put up with. We are not able to cancel the class-study system of schoolwork, although within this system there are techniques that allow children to move. For example, the system V.F. The market hall, according to which the classes are equipped not with ordinary desks, but with desk-desks, and the schoolchildren can work either sitting or standing. But how a child spends his free time depends almost entirely on his parents: what they allow him, what they allocate funds for.
From this point of view, it is also better not to encourage the interest of the sons in computer and television. Especially on weekdays, after school. Among other drawbacks, this is an additional load for the eyes, and hypodynamia, which leads to disruption of the cardiovascular system and brain, which causes general weakness, insomnia, reduced work capacity, reduced mental activity. Hypodynamia also negatively affects the musculoskeletal system and the gastrointestinal tract. In short, the whole body.
At school age, boys are very important to engage in some sports section. This makes it possible to alternate mental loads with physical ones, disciplines, distracts from aimless spending time.
Take care of mind development
Speaking of mental stress. Destruction of fundamental education, teaching schoolchildren to act mainly within the framework of predetermined algorithms, training to solve stereotypical tasks, or even almost completely guessing the correct answer in test mode, when the test or exam is more like solving a crossword than a serious, deep testing of knowledge, such “innovations” that impede the normal development of the intellect, are simply murderous for boys. The male mind, inquisitive, free, seeking independent solutions, is driven into the cage. Yes, and the randomness of the presentation of the material, the lack of harmony and internal logic - all that was characteristic of classical education - are especially unbearable for the analytical, male mentality. Without understanding the meaning, without seeing logic in an arbitrary set of facts, an intelligent boy is lost. He cannot mechanically learn a lesson in order to please the teacher (a motive that is often quite sufficient for girls). Interest in learning disappears, difficulties accumulate, gaps in knowledge become more and more, and by the end of elementary school, a child who has given so much hope often turns into a neurotic trio.
If the boy also sits down from childhood on computer games, then the matter is quite seams. Not only because it is a kind of addiction that inevitably leads to a narrowing of horizons, a loss of curiosity, and often no other interests whatsoever besides gaming. The fact is that the computer, according to the reviews of psychiatrists and psychologists studying this issue, distorts the child’s thinking and teaches thinking not creatively, but technologically. In most popular games there is no scope for the flight of thought and fantasy, the search for solutions comes down to the choice of predetermined options (that is, this is also a kind of test), standard images and cliches are imposed on children. Thinking is programmed, there is a robotization of personality. The child does not learn to look for solutions on his own, does not learn to analyze and draw conclusions, but acts mainly through trial and error, because this is the only way to move forward in many computer games.
Pay attention to how many modern advertising guys with frankly stupid, even moronic facial expressions. Unfortunately, in this case, advertising is no longer giving out wishful thinking, but to a certain extent reflects reality. Enough to ride the subway, walk through the streets and look around. But for the most part, children are still not born intellectually flawed, but completely normal and even clever! So we are talking about typical pedagogical neglect and intentional duping of people in the framework of the information war, which is fraught with tragic consequences both for an individual and for the country as a whole. Stupid men not only do not inspire respect for women (and therefore lose the right of primacy in the family and society), but often turn out to be unable to realize what is happening. Therefore, they are easy to manipulate. And inertia, inflexibility, standardization of thinking leads to a narrow-mindedness, when even under the pressure of irrefutable evidence a person cannot accept a point of view that does not fit into the usual stereotypes, and either falls into aggression, or leaves reality in the world of computer-television dreams, intoxicates itself with drugs or alcohol. That is even more disables the already weak consciousness.
Boys need to be raised in a military spirit.
For many parents, the cadet corps is practically the only way to keep teens from going outside and further, as juvenile human rights defenders express, “conflict with the law”. For many, but not for all. For children with a fragile psyche (for example, those who, under the influence of stress, have nervous tics and obsessions), separation from home and tough male treatment can become an unbearable psychological burden. In any case, I repeatedly had to deal with the fact that, having given my son to a paramilitary institution on the advice of a psychologist or in my own mind, my parents subsequently had to treat him for neurosis.
And for other, more “thick-skinned” guys, a militarized educational institution is truly salutary. And to recognize who is more suited to someone, it is possible much earlier, without waiting for adolescence. How many times have you heard from relatives of willful boys, that of those who are gentle and gentle with them, they twist the ropes, and the formidable teacher or strict trainer adore and obey without question. And from the harassment of bullies such a guy will not suffer. He himself whom you want will oppress.
However, it often happens that mom exaggerates the vulnerability of her offspring. And because he still seems to her to be small, and because many women do not have enough sensitivity from their husbands, so they are looking for such an understanding in her son. And he, using his mother's condescension, completely beats off his hands. In those cases, alas, which are too common in our time when a family cannot cope with a recalcitrant teenager, and because of its immaturity, he is still not able to do without control and external motivation to work, it is better to think about the boy’s device boarding school. Let it not be militarized, but still it is where discipline is monitored, taught to self-control and self-service. This is what Princess Olga Nikolaevna Kulikovskaya-Romanova, the widow of Prince Tikhon Nikolaevich Kulikovsky-Romanov, who was brought by her nephew to the holy martyr Tsar Nicholas II, says about this: “It would be right after ten years when the child had already received full parental love and affection to give it to boarding school. There the child learns discipline. This is at home, he can bask in bed and not wash. And try to behave in a boarding school. Children in a team usually do everything with everyone. In the boarding school everyone gets up, everyone goes to the line, everyone goes to class ... As for boys, it is very important to revive the system of cadet corps in Russia ... Boys should be educated in a military spirit. Boys need it. They do not necessarily have to become military after the end of the cadet corps. But they will be disciplined for life. And the children will get friends for life. Cadet friendship forever. ”
Olga Nikolaevna knows what she is talking about, since she herself studied in a private boarding school for noble maidens. “If I had not been accustomed to discipline at the Mariinsky Don Institute,” testifies the princess, “I would not be able to transfer those tests that fell to my lot” [2].
Maternal pity (“How can he cope without me, he is so unprotected!”) In such cases does not benefit the son, and if you give this pity, then the consequences can be very dire. As it happened, for example, the mother of thirteen-year-old Leni K. As a child, he had a whole “bunch” of diseases: asthma, neurodermatitis, gastritis, scoliosis, endless acute respiratory infections. Mother raised him alone. The husband formally existed, but in reality was not present, did not give money, was interested not in his son, but mainly in vodka. Lyudmila Vadimovna "dragged" the child alone. By the age of ten, he had become stronger, although he still could not boast of excellent health. But in psychological terms, the situation is rapidly deteriorating. The guy in his eyes turned into an "anti-social element." And the mother, understanding and acknowledging this, signed on her helplessness, saying that she had a too soft character and had no influence on her son. It became clear to 13 years both for her and for those around her that if no urgent measures were taken, the guy would definitely follow the curve. He had already abandoned all circles, did not want to study, was rude to his mother and desperately sought independence, meaning by that the opportunity to come home whenever he pleases (or not to come at all) and do what his left leg wishes. Lyudmila Vadimovna called for help, begging to arrange a child in a good boarding school. The cadet corps refused to take him for health reasons.
Some compassionate people with great difficulty managed to agree on the admission of Leni to a good closed school, located outside of Moscow, far from urban temptations. Truly gigantic work was undertaken, since mom did not have money to pay, and with marks like Leonid, not only in a good school, but also in the mean seed it was risky to meddle. In addition, the boy himself constantly put sticks in the wheels, knowing that you would not play at the boarding school. The maximum that he agreed to is to go there for the holidays in order to “just see” (and during that time they promised to pull him up in the main subjects). But, once in place, Lyonya, as often happens with children, quickly settled down, became involved in an interesting, meaningful life that teachers tried to arrange for students who did not leave for one reason or another in the summer to go home, became friends with the children. Then the school year began. Lyonya did well in all subjects, did not break the discipline, was fond of playing basketball. In short, what else could you want? However, the mother after the end of the first quarter took her son to Moscow. For what reason? And because Leni, when she visited him, had a weary (and, as she thought, unhappy) appearance, he complained to her of fatigue and a strict trainer, forcing him to wring out his fists. Well, he also had a runny nose, and the nurse did not pay enough attention to it, just gave the child a drop, and that was all. And Lyonya was scattered and irresponsible: he put the vial on the nightstand and forgot. So not for long and antritis to earn!
Now Leonid is sixteen. Mother has bitten all the elbows for a long time, but you cannot return what you have done. By the end of the ninth grade, the son, however, still held out, but this was given to her at such a high price that at the mere thought of her experience, tears flow in a stream. At the moment, the guy does not study, does not work, sleeps for four days, then staggers somewhere or sits at the computer, with mate and threats extorts money from his mother, steals in supermarkets, gets drunk. About health, of course, does not think. Lyudmila Vadimovna inspires herself and others that at least the case has not reached the drugs, but it looks more like psychotherapy ... Recently, Lyonya has contacted football fans. What's next is better not to think. One of his buddies, three years older, is already sitting at the stabbing, the second in a fight broke two ribs and a collarbone ...
Listening to this saga, which is becoming more nightmarish with each chapter, I want to exclaim: “So what have you achieved by protecting your son from a strict trainer and from a cold?” But what's the point of asking? But Lenya was even going to be transferred over time to the cadet class - he was in a boarding school like that - he proved himself so well ...
And how were boys raised before?
Thinking about education, it is instructive to refer to the experience gained in the people. Say, how did Russian peasants, who constituted the overwhelming majority of the population before the revolution, raise boys? “The lack of strong power and proper supervision from the father, supported by the practice of using force, was considered to be the cause of family disorder, debauchery, indiscipline of children, quarrels and fights between them,” writes VG Cold in the article "Fatherly punishment in the upbringing of a teenage boy among the Eastern Slavs in the late XIX - early XX century". “In Russians, disobedience to the fatherly will assigned to the son the nickname of“ nepochetnik ”/“ disrespect ”,“ disobedient ”, which was considered shameful, and could be a reason for expelling from the house without a part of the father's property” [3]. Among the Little Russians, even the proverb existed: "Whoever does not hear the tata, that hear the kata (the executioner)".
“Until the end of infancy,” the author continues, “the father, who appeared in the rituals of“ humanization ”(in the first swaddling, christening, tonsure) as a symbol of communion with the family, race, and for the boy who was the prototype of masculinity, almost did not participate in raising his son ... Before 5 – 7, and sometimes up to 12 years, the children were under the care of the mother, she had basic responsibilities for the care and care of the children. The head of the family performed the function of general supervision, he was called upon as the highest authority when the child broke the rules, but the punishment during this period was not his prerogative. ”
“Father has little communication with them, since they are not yet his assistants. He rarely punishes them, and for the most part his mother does it, ”informants from the Vologda and Kostroma provinces reported.
“The old man does not beat children in vain. In the summer, he does not have time to get along with the children, and in the winter only in the evenings: he sits on his knees, tells fairy tales ”[4]. In the Vologda district, while the sons were small, they were called “mother’s children”. Caressing them, she directly said: "This is still my son." From 12 years, as soon as the sons began to help the father in the field and other male works, they got out of the supervision of the mother and, unlike the daughters, became the “children of the father”. Now the mother communicated with her sons less, the prerogative of upbringing, and therefore of encouragement and punishment, went to her father.
The son, brought up by his mother until adulthood, outside the male community, was ridiculed by the people as spoiled, unintelligible, inconsistent. He was given the nickname "mama's son", which speaks for itself. In 1772, a peasant woman-widow of the Tomsk province “announced” in the Berd ship hut that she had “with her son Feodor ... someone to go to tillage and a house institution to teach no one,” and asked permission to move with her son to the mother. “Observers unanimously confirm the conclusion about the exceptional role of the father and, in general, of the older men in the family in raising their sons,” the historian N.A. Minenko [5].
Children under the age of 5 – 7 were treated mildly, almost not punished, many misconceptions and mischief were glimpsed. ““ En Ishsho is small, he lacks sense, ”the father said about his son,“ he will grow up, will come to his senses, then he will do, and now what to take with him? ” You didn’t get him out, and tomorrow again for the same ”... As soon as the children“ came into their minds ”, the attitude towards them became stricter and more exacting, they began to be“ taught ”, that is, scolded and reprimanded for pranks and disobedience. Especially strictly acted if the child mischievous in front of adults, interfered and did not obey the comments; Repeated punishment (“wedge wedge knocked out”) could be earned by the one who, having received his own, yelled and complained for a long time ”[6].
Labor education of boys began quite early. In the peasant environment, ingenuity, thrift, skillful hands were highly valued. “Already a three-year-old boy helps his mother: to clean potatoes, sweep the floor, find his father's sash, gather peas into a cup, kick the chickens out of the garden,” reported at the end of the 19th century from the Novaya Ladoga district of the St. Petersburg province [7]. Then the boys gradually accustomed to male work. In 6 – 7 years, they had already driven cattle into the yard, with 8 – 9 - they drove horses to a watering place, traveled with the older guys at night, learned to sit on a horse and manage it, drove adults to lunch in the field. By the 9 – 10 years (in other places a little later), the boy was able to harness a horse on his own, helped his father in harrowing, put the sheaves on a barn and threshed. The boy who ruled a horse during a harrow was called a harrow. Not only the child, but also his entire family was proud of the achievement of the boronovolk age (from 10 to 15 years). Even the proverb “Your boronovolok is more expensive than someone else’s employee” was common. At the same time, they also taught various crafts necessary for farming. Depending on the specifics of a particular area, it could be wood or leather processing, weaving of bast shoes, twine, etc. Boys and accustomed to fishing and hunting. All this happened under the supervision of elders. Especially strictly suppressed laziness.
Usually by the age of majority, or even earlier, in 14 – 15 years, family punishments ended. They did not punish me for faults anymore, but tried to convince with words. The older the son became, the more respectfully the adults addressed him. Only a community court could punish an adult son for disobedience, disrespect, or insult inflicted on his father. According to the parents' complaint, the administration could punish with arrest or publicly whip out rods, and the village and volost authorities could not refuse to assist. The offended father gathered the village and asked the neighbors to tear off his son in the presence of all. Such an extreme measure covered the son with shame, opposed to society and actually removed it from the field of reproduction, because the public flogging of an adult boy was considered an indelible shame, the girls refused to marry him.
The basis for the rigid system of restrictions on the activity of a teenage boy was the idea of the spontaneity and uncontrollability of his essence.
Much attention was paid to the heroic education of sons. In the mass consciousness, commanders and military heroes who earned the glory of Russia were highly valued. The type of national leader of Ancient Russia is represented by the princes, the leaders of the squads ... In their exploits both personal righteousness and national service were valued - that they, not sparing their stomachs, defended their native land. Simple people who sacrificed themselves for the sake of the Fatherland were also very honored. At the end of the 19th century, one of the correspondents from the Gzhatsky district of the Smolensk province reported to the Ethnographic Bureau that “people are pleased to read about those who sacrificed themselves to Russia ... the feats of many insignificant persons shown during the Patriotic War 1812 of the year cause pride of the people and deep respect to the unknown heroes, the memory of which is transferred from the elder to the younger ”[8]. The ideal of a bold, strong, loyal to the Fatherland warrior, reliable friend and comrade passes through all the folklore - from the epics to the late soldier songs. Remarkable is the fact of the existence of soldiers' songs - their themes were close to the peasantry. Since the Northern War, when the soldier's mass first appeared as a collective hero of the Russian epic, these songs have become almost central to Russian historical poetry [9].
The one called up for military service was in the eyes of the people a defender of the Fatherland and invariably felt respectful attitude of the villagers, all the inhabitants of the region. Seeing off to the soldiers was solemn. The rookie was blessed by parents, as well as by the godfather and mother. The return of the soldier from the service also constituted an event for the whole village. A lot of people gathered in the hut to listen to his stories about our military force. The theme of battles, military exploits in the past and present was constant during conversations at meetings of adults, often in the presence of children. The stories about wars focused on the success of Russian troops. The bad news penetrated the people sporadically and did not attach much importance to failures, being sure that the enemies would not be able to resist the Russians, that “God himself, the Mother of God and St. Nicholas would not allow it” [10]. In other words, optimism and belief in victory were brought up in the younger generations of future men. The decadent moods, so common in recent decades among our population, were not popular, although the conditions of life were much worse today, and the defeats, as we know from history, also happened.
It was considered shameful to coward, evade, and hiding behind comrades. Here is what an interesting testimony about the nature of the representations of the Kuban Cossacks was left by the war correspondent in the Far East during the Russo-Japanese War of 1904 – 1905. He had a chance to talk with Kuban plastinos - so called special units engaged in reconnaissance, sabotage operations, etc. You can say it was an analogue of modern special forces. “Tall, mighty as an oak, a Kuban Cossack complained bitterly that he had been appointed in a wagon train. “Did I go here only to clean the horse and carry the grain? What will I say at home when they ask me how I fought with the Japanese? ”The real grief shone on the energetic face ...“ And is it impossible to do that, ”continued the Cossack,“ in order for us, the plastins, to enlist everyone in the ranks in the train to appoint spare soldiers? Between them there are some very bad little men. ”” [11].
[1] Bohutskaya T. Boys prefer to compete, and girls - to cooperate // Home education. 2004. No. 2. C. 3 – 4.
[2] Kulikovskaya-Romanova ON I see the transformation of Russia // http://www.ruspred.ru/arh/23/25rr.html.
[3] Male compilation. Issue 2. M., 2004. C. 170.
[4] Derlitsa M. Selyanski diti // Ethnographic site. Lviv, 1896. T. 1. C. 131.
[5] N.Nenko Russian peasant family in Western Siberia (XVIII - first half of the XIX century). Novosibirsk, 1979. C. 121.
[6] Cold VG Paternal punishment in the upbringing of a teenage boy in the Eastern Slavs in the late XIX - early XX century // Male collection. Issue 2. C. 175.
[7] Listova T.A. Traditions of labor education in the village. Russians. M., 1997. C. 115.
[8] A.V. Buganov Warrior-hero in the historical memory of Russian // Male collection. C. 200.
[9] Ibid.
[10] Ibid. S. 200-201.
[11] Tonkonogov I. Our Cossacks in the Far East // Collection of stories of correspondents and participants of the war, placed in various periodicals. SPb., 1907. C. 28.
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