"Now you are demobilized"
Episode I of a new fairy tale with a sequel
Part humorous, kind, April Fools
All characters, times and places are fictitious. The author is not responsible for anything, these are just his senile senile memories.
Student
...When I was in school and lived in a small town with 100+ thousand inhabitants and 13 schools - from grade 7 to 10 I took part in the city chemistry Olympiad and was “always second”: they reduced me half a point-point for my “ a wonderful sense of the Russian language", in common parlance - for "Achaputchi and Ashepyatki".
When I entered my institute, I went out of competition, 3 medalists per place, got 5 in physics and was immediately enrolled. I leafed through a chemistry textbook - I realized that there was nothing new there, and I went to lectures on chemistry three times at most in the first semester. At the end of the first semester, olympiads were held throughout the institute, and if you got into top 10 winners of the Olympiad - immediately a year ahead in any subject they put 5. Chemistry in the first semester was passed for credit, the exam was at the end of the second semester - to understand the situation.
We gathered, well, let’s say, 1+ people, how many we managed to accommodate in a large auditorium, maybe more, maybe less - I don’t remember exactly, but several hundred students easily fit there every day at lectures. We crammed well, literally like herring in a barrel. I wrote the Olympiad, shared 000th and 9th places with a student from my group and received 10 in advance a year in advance.
I didn’t go to the lecture itself anymore, but I was attached to a student circle under the supervision of an academician of sciences on the development of trinary ammunition as “hey, you, bring the flask here, pour the blue solution in there and don't shine».
When I returned from the Army, recovered, they again dragged me there a year later, but already on the rights As an old-timer, I myself told the boys: “Hey, you, new fish, bring the flask here, pour the blue solution in there and don’t shine!”
It was a hint...
Now the story...
Banquets
I demobilized at the end of May, arrived in Moscow in my hostel, hung out there for two weeks - received a passport at the military registration and enlistment office, recovered at the institute, got a new place in the hostel - but that was during the day ...
In the evenings I "arranged a banquet" and poisoned a fairy tale "Now you're in the Army"...
Given the fact that I arrived in a washed denim suit, with real Montana mirrored glasses and real Adidas sneakers, they had to take my word for it. In those days - incredible steepness, only the toughest of the toughest could afford it.
Oh, it’s good then I celebrated my demobilization, that way for 500 rubles or so. I transferred the same amount by wire transfer in advance to my parents - “lay a straw”, so to speak. Well, everyone there deficits I bought it in Moscow as gifts for relatives - so I scraped up the last pennies when I arrived in my hometown, and I had to get home from the bus station by bus, and not trudge about 10 kilometers on foot. Without a ticket, the bus was not allowed then.
After two weeks, I realizedthat all my numerous relatives want to stupidly get me drunk at their expense - and dumped me in a hostel in Moscow ...
But then I was young and green, a teetotaler and an ulcer, in the end it turned out that it would be better to drink all summer at home at the expense of relatives - and not in a hostel with demobilization. It would be cheaper...
Major
...One morning at the end of August, they literally woke me up with kicks, gave me a bottle of beer in my hands for a hangover and began to frown.
Our neighbor had a classmate from the Donbass, and a friend’s father was the head of the mine, and according to his father’s plan, the next head of the mine was to be his son ... But the son, to put it mildly, was a gouging and slob - this is if political culture without a mat "express". There was a head on his shoulders, and there were also brains. But... The only child in the family, in childhood he was allowed to do everything, and when his parents realized it, it was already too late... A typical major - in a nutshell. Well, don’t flog him with a belt in childhood, don’t flog him - but in vain!
At the very least, he passed the first course of the institute, but flunked chemistry - and chemistry at the metallurgical institute was a specialized subject ... Since we were all drafted into the Army - he was given a deferment to pass the exam in chemistry when he returned from the Army ... Then there was such an attitude - since all students were forcibly urged to pay their debt to the Motherland - to approach as kindly as possible, "but do not confuse the banks."
In general, let it be - Oleg. He returned from the Army, and his father said to him: if you go to the second year of the institute - here's a new house, apartment, car, personal dacha and a bride in addition (beloved) as a wife - but if not (!) you’ll cross over ... It’s better for you to hang yourself on a rope without soap directly “in your that Moscow” - “you will not be my son anymore”!
250 rubles plus a case of vodka
Well, Oleg began to seduce me - if I pass an exam for 3 - 250 rubles plus a box of vodka (wait a minute, vodka was on a coupon for 10 rubles in stores, but it was freely available only from taxi drivers for 25 rubles apiece). 50 rubles - “contribution to a charitable foundation” right now for consent (it doesn’t matter if I pass the exam for it or not), the rest is after the fact.
I told him: how can I pass the exam for you, if we are not even alike in the first approximation! He is a "roof" meter with a cap - I'm a tall meter 90! And he told me: she saw me in her life, well, at most a couple of times, and that was 3 years ago, you agree, you have a photo of 3 by 4 (or 4 by 6 - for the record book, I don’t remember exactly), I will organize the rest, here you a chemistry textbook from the university, 20 questions for admission to the exam, two bottles of vodka and a Java Java block as a bonus.
Well, I was a hangover, a hangover... And I haven't even woken up yet... That's why I agreed to this adventure...
I solved 20 questions like this:
- 5 questions answered 5 with a plus,
– 5 questions answered 4,
- 5 questions - for 3.
Well, I didn’t even bother with 5 more questions ... By the standards of my institute, it was a guaranteed admission to the exam!
I probably flipped through his chemistry textbook before the exam - or maybe not, I don’t remember exactly because of the prescription of years, sorry, it was a long time ago.
The next morning, he took me by the shkirman and dragged me to his hostel. There, in front of me, in front of my surprised eyes, a pro (not even with a hangover, still in drybadan, 3 girls in his bed: if you thought that they were all in fur coats and felt boots, then you are very mistaken) cropped a photo from Oleg's record book, he pasted mine and added a quarter of the seal of the university on my photo - in life no one would say that the photo is not native in the student's record book and the seal is not the dean's office! And it cost only about 100 rubles and 10 bottles of vodka - from Oleg, of course - and 30 minutes of work by a pro.
Exam
Oleg and I come to the exam ... There were probably 50 such poor fellows as my customer - well, the teacher took the exams very harshly and cruelly ... Doctor of Sciences - if anything ...
I give her answers to 15 questions out of 20, and she gives me answers right away - since there are no more 5 answers (I didn’t even read my “creativity”): “You are free, young man!”
I feel - “the arctic fox crept up imperceptibly” ... I told her - oh, sorry, I forgot the answers at home, can I answer right now? Well, she gave paper, the pen was with her, I answered in less than a couple of minutes, she only read my new answers and gave me admission to the exam ...
I answered the first question with “5–”, the second answer was with “4–” on purpose, but while I was thinking what to answer the 3rd question, it was my turn ... For the first question, she didn’t even ask a single one questions on the merits - she immediately began to ask additional ones, and in full scheme... On the second question, she found some mistakes (on purpose, she answered like that, but I only had to pass the exam for three), and she hit me in the tail and in the mane ... And when she saw that the third question didn’t even started was written...
I then realized that 200 rubles and a box of vodka were already beginning to send me farewell kisses and wave a pen ...
Я rested his horn, right in front of her, he began to write an answer, and in raised tones we "led a high-society speech":
“I didn’t teach you that! she screamed at me...
And I answered her:
- And that's how they taught me at school, and it's right answer.
In the end, she found a couple of minor mistakes - sorry, after all, she didn’t hold a chemistry textbook in her hands for three years - and put Oleg “4” in my record book ...
It was all half an hour somewhere, usually 3-5 minutes for the person taking the exam, and half left unsuccessfully, the rest with a triple ... And she said that I didn’t pull on “5”!
I walk out the doors of the pulpit, shaking all over: I thought I had a choice between a deuce and a triple ...
Oleg (and out of the corner of his eye, through the crack of the door, he was peeping at the rapid passing of my exam for him):
– Three (with hope in his voice)?!
I honestly):
- No...
Oleg begins to turn pale from the face ...
I told him:
- Yes, you calm down! Four!
Oleg begins to lose consciousness and slides down the wall, well, I barely managed to catch him in time...
Eh ... Only then did we celebrate the passing of his exam in his room in his hostel for a day. And so I left in a taxi with 300 rubles in my pocket and a case and a half of vodka.
Then they buzzed already in my hostel. But more on that next time...
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