"Now you're in the Army." Bears and generals
Episode IX of the New Year's fairy tale with a sequel
Part festive, humorous, kind, April Fools
“The cow is not mine! For what I bought - for that I sell!
Master of the taiga
Stands for itself and stands in the deaf taiga hill with pines ...
In the mornings, at the foot of the hill, a small door like this suddenly opens along with bushes - 2 by 3 meters - and a crowd of soldiers with a naked torso runs out from there for physical exercises. They run around the hill, then the standard “fell - did push-ups”, then they run inside and until the next morning the hill is like a hill, it stands and stands for itself, does not touch anyone ...
From time to time, the very top of the hill begins to move, a dozen pines with bushes drive off, something fire-breathing flies out from there ... The Serpent Gorynych, not otherwise ... The pines return to their place and again there is silence, smooth surface and God's grace ...
And everything was fine until, in order to diversify the diet (otherwise, herring in the morning, herring soup in the afternoon, and fried herring in the evening), the “group of hunters” from the hill met the owner of the taiga on their way. Mikhailo Potapych at first gently asked about the availability of a license to shoot elk... Suddenly there was no license... "There is no trial" - and the bear dispersed the unfortunate hunters from fresh prey...
The next day, the “hunters went hunting” already in a reinforced composition, shot another elk already, on a makeshift stretcher and quickly “to the hut” ... The only problem was that the path was indicated by drops of blood ...
A day later, in the morning, the soldiers run out for physical exercises - and there, literally at the exit, their master of the taiga is waiting ...
And if you translate the "bearish mate" into Russian literary, it sounded something like this:
- Oh, you scoundrels! How dare you hunt in my lands, and even without a license! I'll constipate! I'll rot! I'll tear it to pieces!
Well, one day without physical exercises - okay. The second ... Then the third ... The bear does not leave, and that's it, guarding. Of course, from time to time he went out to hunt, go around his possessions - but he literally settled down to live next to the entrance / exit to the hill ...
The head of the unit found itself in a cool situation:
- you can’t just fill up a bear in any way, because there should be secrecy and silence around;
- even if you fail, how then to explain to the high authorities what a bear was doing here near the entrance to a top secret hill. Do not explain to them that, in violation of all the rules of secrecy, the soldiers roamed around the district and poached;
- and it’s also impossible not to report on the situation that created it - because it’s supposed to report on every sneeze, and here is such an emergency!
What followed was like a fairy tale...
Have a brainstorming session. “One bright head” put forward the idea - since there is not even an overwhelmed lake with fish for 50+ km in the area - it was 25 km away, a swamp is not a swamp, a puddle is not a puddle, but without fish, like a local watering hole, but let's treat the bear with salted barrel herring, this is a delicacy for him, he has never eaten such a thing in his life, until he reaches the water, until he comes back - the day will be absent for sure ...
Early in the morning, the sun is just about to rise - the bear is right there, no worse than a sentry at the post - it is on the alert, so to speak. They threw one herring at him... He repelled the blow, roared, then sniffed it, licked it and ate it... They threw a second one - he ate it...
Just in case, they traced the day - Potapych until the morning and the trace was cold ... The next morning - on the spot, as always ... They also threw a dozen herrings - he ate and ran away ... Then every day the duty officer on the hill was charged in the morning feed the bear with herring - and you could safely go hunting for moose again - because the bear was not up to them ...
Recorded from the words of the demobilization, which after the Army did not take out the herring, even forbade his wife to make New Year's herring under a fur coat.
"Monsieur, it's not a mange pa sis zhur ..."
Once upon a time, he didn’t grieve, a guy studied at a real culinary college - and then they studied at a technical school for 4 years after the 8th grade of high school. When I passed the exams and received a red diploma, literally in a couple of days I was drafted into the Army.
Directly from the military registration and enlistment office, when he handed over his passport and received a military man in his hands, he was escorted by a senior lieutenant in one person by the Moscow-Murmansk train to the local military registration and enlistment office, by 6 o'clock in the morning.
At 8 the recruiting office opened, at 10 o'clock he was already in the unit, there he learned that he would serve as a cook on navy - and three years. To all his moaning and wringing of hands, which of him is a sailor, with his vestibular apparatus, he was told “do not be afraid - everything will be chiki-farts!”
In the unit, he was given several sets of civilian clothes for all seasons according to his size and sent to the ship.
In the afternoon, the ship sailed and sailed for about two weeks (maybe more - maybe less - he did not count - he did not get out of the latrine from seasickness and lost 10 kilograms).
We arrived at one island beyond the Arctic Circle, he doesn’t remember exactly when - but the sun doesn’t set there in summer. The transfer and acceptance of cases took literally 15 minutes: “sign here that you accepted the business, the kitchen is over there, the warehouse is here, good luck, I ran, otherwise the ship sets off.”
"Local lads" - all as one bearded men - seeing his deplorable state, poured him a 200 gram Northern Lights cocktail (100 grams of pure alcohol + 100 grams of champagne), drank for the beginning of his service, and he passed out literally immediately ...
Well, when he woke up, they “began to dedicate him to the details.” The island beyond the Arctic Circle was not just an island - it was, like, even under the protection of UNESCO, and polar bears, arctic foxes and seals with walruses felt at ease there.
Officially, there was the base of a scientific expedition that looked after this disgrace. Unofficially, this is the weather station of the Northern Fleet. Well, in fact, there, from the KGB, the men listened in headphones through underwater microphones, whether the adversary was trying to smuggle his submarines in our waters.
Since it was official and purely peaceful, officially they only had a couple of hunting rifles and starting pistols with blank cartridges. And it was categorically it is forbidden to call someone by rank and position, but it was ordered to address Ivan Ivanovich and Petr Petrovich.
The supply of the base is like this ... Once a year, in the summer, a civilian ship sailed to rotate personnel, bring food, parcels, necessary equipment and all that, civilian. Once a year in winter, from the nearest type of collective farm, across the ice (not far, 500 kilometers in total, well, a maximum of a thousand), reindeer teams brought deer carcasses already cut into pieces. Well, they also caught fish - for a variety of diets. The grocery warehouse was made unpretentious - a room 25 by 25 meters was dug in the permafrost, and on top there was an embankment and an armored sea door.
The difficulty was that every year a bear with cubs (well, that is, not 365 days a year, but about six months a year) got into the habit of visiting this food warehouse and stealing parts of deer carcasses from there. The she-bear couldn’t read, so she didn’t know that, in fact, the bunker door, according to theory, should withstand not only a blow from a bear’s paw, but almost an explosion of a vigorous loaf. She stupidly took out the door along with the wall - in the sense that there really was nothing - just an armored door lying around with a jamb, and the warehouse was devastated ...
The entrance to the warehouse was made by sailors from what was at hand - everything, in short, naval military "ingredients". No matter what they did, it didn't help. In the end, they drove a large metal pin into the ground in front of the entrance to the warehouse, at a height of one and a half meters (so that the arctic foxes would not get it) they hung the back leg of a deer on a hook. The she-bear came, stole spare parts from the deer and left - and they lived like that... In peace and harmony...
Until her son was born - an anarchist and a revolutionary.
Once a bear cub (well, 1 year for a polar bear is still a kindergarten) didn’t make it to the base on its own, the door was open, made it to the kitchen by smell, overturned the boiler with a deer leg, stole a whole deer leg and decided to run away ... But not there it was...
The bear did not even manage to escape 10 meters - the cook (the hero of our novel) discovered the loss, grabbed a ladle and chased him around the island for 15 minutes. The bear did not let its prey out of its mouth, dragging it along, running away from the cook. In the end, the cook pressed the bear cub in a "dark corner against a warm wall", tapped the kumpol with a ladle and took the deer's leg out of its mouth ...
Then, he says, he has cooled down, the bear cub whines plaintively, the leg is hopelessly damaged, he spat and returned the leg back to the bear ... with the words:
- On the! Eat! So that you choke!
Well, the bear cub ate it ... He ate for a couple of days without leaving his place ...
Then about a week later...
Morning... They open the door of the scientific base - a polar bear is literally 5 meters away... And it starts to howl plaintively like that... And it doesn't leave the spot... They just didn't do anything - they even shot blank cartridges into the air... a meter or two from the door and continues his "lament of Yaroslavna." Literally 5 meters away, a deer's leg hangs - he does not see it point-blank.
In general, the cook realized that the bear liked the boiled venison - he took out the leftover meat (well, as the leftovers, he cooked it every three days, after all, the leg weighs about 30 kilograms - the bear began to eat "without leaving the cash register." They waited an hour - ate what he could, but did not leave, but did not react to them, and left the base. When the next day the bear had finished everything, he disappeared for a week somewhere ... Then he came again ... They fed him ... Then also more...
The bear cub eventually turned into a bear - in comparison with him, his mother was like a dwarf, and even foxes stopped appearing around the base. He tore them into small pieces if he saw them in the neighborhood. It seems that "bears are clumsy" - and so the polar bear will overtake the arctic fox in speed easily in the attack!
And the base healed, as in a fairy tale - under the protection of the Bear cub ...
Over time, he even kicked his mother with cubs out of the base ... Arctic foxes no longer stole meat for barbecue in nature, when "scientists" arranged a "session" ... Well, it was not always winter there, for two months even the snow melted, went out to shore and grilled barbecue, songs with a guitar, “Northern Lights” - after all, we are people, we are all people, especially when it’s two weeks before the authorities by sea. Other bears walked around the base for a couple of kilometers ... "Paradise on earth" came for the base, in a word!
Recorded from the words of the demobilization and based on a photo from his demobilization albumwhere he hand feeds a polar bear.
“April XNUMXst, I don’t trust anyone!”
The fact that a commission from America would come to check how we were disarming was known for about three months for sure. When she arrived in our district, it was literally scheduled there by the day and minute, in what order and when they would come to see our “Potemkin villages”.
Days of commercials for three planned visits by the commission in one part of the Strategic Missile Forces, the general's UAZ suddenly went off on the auto electrician - and according to the plan, the major general was supposed to meet distinguished guests on it. The local auto electrician did not understand what was the matter, and pulled me out to "solve the problem."
They brought me to the unit early in the morning, I changed into a black work suit and began to shaman. The problem was a “floating malfunction” - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, and I, “rolling up my sleeves, began to deal” with it ...
Everything that follows happens almost simultaneously...
In the morning, the commission, in which Chapai from my fairy tale was the guide, visited one of the parts, and according to the plan, they reached the second part for inspection already halfway. Here, on the way, they call Chapai on the closed connection of a mobile radio station and say that some kind of emergency has happened there, and right now it’s impossible to take the Americans from the word “absolutely”! And do what you want, but today there should be no commission there!
Chapai “changes shoes on the fly” and offers to visit the part that they planned to inspect anyway, and finds digestible and decent arguments, the commission agrees. Some are urgently taken out for exercises, almost all of them.
And half an hour later, the high commission begins the inspection. The unit commander explains the absence of the unit in place by planned exercises - and in general, they were not expected today. The commission begins to walk around the unit and look even into those places where Makar did not drive calves. But since there is practically no part in place, let them look.
...I'm leaving meaning, from the gate distant parts of the garage to smoke cleanly ... And in a hurry, they didn’t even put us before the fact - it wasn’t up to us, especially the garage further, he is a repair box, was in the "priest of the world" part ...
In violation of all safety regulations, I light a cigarette in advance and go to the smoking area, around the corner. I turn the corner ... And then - bam! A crowd of generals will meet me - both ours and theirs ... Nobody expected this meeting - neither I nor they ...
Well, I'm at attention right away. Since there is no cap on my head, I just stand still, I don’t salute, a cigarette smokes in my right hand ... I can’t throw it under my feet - at least a “lip” for 10 days for violating fire safety regulations. And to the smoking room another 25 meters so with a hook ...
The commander of the Strategic Missile Forces unit (who, in fact, pulled me out to his garage) makes scary eyes and stares at the cigarette with his eyes ... What can I do about it ?! Stupidly I stand at attention, a cigarette smokes in my hands, mentally I say goodbye to the demobilization for a year or two of disbat ...
Then one of ours from the joint commission “gets out”, tells about my black work uniform, like this is how Soviet soldiers work in the garage, work uniform, everything ... Well, of course, from the outside I looked comical - in a black uniform and all black from grease, and without a cap on his head ...
The commission favorably accepts the transfer and goes on to “examine the surroundings of Lake Onega” ...
The commission passed by, I reached the smoking room, smoked half a pack of excitement ... I finished the job - there was nowhere to rush, "my house is a disbat" ...
When the commission left in the evening, I still honestly waited until dinner, they didn’t come for me, but I really want to eat ... I return to the garage, there dinner from the dining room is already waiting for me ... I had dinner ... They don’t take it ...
By nightfall, a driver from our unit came for me, they calmly let me out of the Strategic Missile Forces unit ... I waited another week - the commandant's office was about to come for me - “...and silence».
So I was once again born for the second time ...
Watch the video to the end it's desirable...
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