"Now you're in the Army." Life is Beautiful and amazing
Episode VI of the New Year's fairy tale with a sequel
The part is festive, humorous, kind, anti-alcohol.
The first half of this section of the tale goes under the motto:
In order not to repeat myself, let me briefly remind you that in our unit there were no problems with leave on weekends - there were problems with the leave forms, which were allocated strictly once a quarter. For example, we allocated 100 forms for a part for 3 months:
- in the first month, everyone who wished was issued a personal leave on the form,
- in the second month - already 2-5 people entered in one form,
- well, in the third month, up to 10 people were entered into the form, if such a form of leave could be obtained somewhere, but at least in the neighboring part.
Oh, if there was a copier then, everything could be completely different!
Situation... Saturday afternoon...
The senior sergeant somewhere found a form of leave through his channels, signed it with the company commander for 8 people. In terms of composition - a senior sergeant, two sergeants and 5 privates. All friends from the same company, in the local civil recreation center (house of culture) at 6 pm there was a premiere of some kind of comedy, and at 20:00 a festive disco dedicated to the upcoming New Year began there. Signed in advance, somewhere in 10 days.
The foreman, in order not to fool around with the issuance of the parade, waved a leave and fled to his beloved woman for the whole weekend (although he was considered responsible for the company and formally had to spend the day and spend the night in the barracks in the truest sense of the word). And before, as it was: whether you have a parade for going out into the city or not - you can’t see it under your overcoat, and boots and a hat - they are, as they say, in winter and in summer - one color.
Our guys got out of the unit, they were late for the bus, if you wait for the next one, you can be late for the film, so we went on foot, we went there for an hour and a half or two, we had time until 6 pm, and the buses then, in winter, and on weekends, went and not very often, and it happened with a violation of the schedule.
Almost reached, the commandant’s car slows down near them, the head of the commandant’s office comes out and asks to show documents. The senior sergeant unbuttons up his overcoat, takes out a leave of absence - all an honor in honor ...
But then the chief notices that there is no parade! He checks with the rest - no one has a parade. He puts them all in the booth of the commandant's zilka for transporting people and takes them away. But not immediately to the commandant's office - he gathered 5-6 people around the town and around 9 o'clock in the evening only began to deal with them all personally ...
... 22:00 - 8 people did not return with a leave ... 23:00 - they did not return ... The duty sergeant in the company sends a messenger for the foreman. They didn’t return at one in the morning, the foreman was on the spot - there was nothing to do, he called and reported to the company commander about the emergency. At three o'clock in the morning the company commander reports to the unit commander...
It was a national emergency! At that time, 8 Muscovites did not return from leave! (Well, like Muscovites ... 5 - called up from Moscow, one Jew from Tatarstan, a gypsy from Moldova and an Azerbaijani from Azerbaijan - so then they served together. And by positions in our AWP - a car mechanic, minder, storekeeper, blacksmith).
At 6 in the morning - there was nothing to do - they reported to the district headquarters ...
At 8 in the morning, the district headquarters reported to Moscow on the authority ...
They were put on the All-Union wanted list...
... And at 9 in the morning it turned out that they spent all this time in the commandant's office, the commandant's office had just prepared the documents and was going to report the flagrant violation of the form during the dismissal ...
Oh, what began here, what began ... Thunder and lightning flickered more often than in a storm and hurricane ...
Everyone got it ... Our foreman, the senior warrant officer, suffered especially ... They even wanted to put him on trial - he got off with a strict reprimand with entering into a personal file and deprivation of a quarterly bonus. Chapai himself stood up for him (I will tell you in a separate post) ...
Next comes "Repin's painting with engine oil."
Repin's oil painting
...About two months later, already at the beginning of spring, on Monday morning, the head of the commandant's office arrived at our workstation for divorce in the same car in which our children were taken away. The commandant's office had 4 zilka for transporting people - 3 ordinary ones, for soldiers, and one for transporting officers - "increased comfort", so to speak, on which the head of the commandant's office rode.
With all my negative attitude towards him, I can assure the respectable public - if everyone treated their duties the way he did, there would be no crime in that fairy-tale country as a class! “There was a plug in every barrel”, he controlled everything himself and kept everything in his tight iron. Yes, he was quick-tempered, yes, he was harsh - but he knew his business! The mouse will not slip, the mosquito will not fly by.
The head of the AWP and the head of the commandant's office were not just friends - buddies, I would say so. And when it was necessary to wait while his cars were being repaired, they usually hung out for an hour and a half in the office of the head of the AWP - to play cards, drink tea there and all that ... Without alcohol on working days - to clarify the situation.
In general, on a divorce with the foreman, who brought us to the workstation and was supposed to have 2 days for a legal weekend after 2 days of duty in the company, the head of the workstation sets the task for the foreman: something is wrong with the car, troit, sneezes, look- it is necessary to fool around, in short, so that it becomes better than zero ... And they go “to numbers”. Our foreman is already calling a sergeant - the head of the shift of car mechanics (this is who 2 months ago was a senior sergeant - they were removed from each of them for their flight with a stripe):
Did you hear the order? Execute! I will personally check! So that the "fly does not sit" - this is how everything should be done!
... And wind away from sin away to his woman.
Two hours later, from the zilka, which was not even a year old yet - one booth for transporting people remained on the repair pit - and so it was dismantled to the ground and troubleshooting was carried out.
It turned out that the frame had a crack (the frame was scrapped), the cabin was rusted, the wheels were bald, the bridges were in the trash, the engine was jammed ... And all this was confirmed by papers ...
When the enraged head of the commandant’s office burst into my room, for example, the student and I were just finishing “pulling” everything that was elistrical from his car ... The student finished disassembling the starter, I drained the electrolyte from the battery, but there was no wiring anymore - I managed to remove it and to drive a civilian driver for 5 rubles with installation in a week, when he goes on vacation.
And I had troubleshooting reports for everything - of course, they could check - a couple of auto electricians from the neighboring parts ... But we had "mutual responsibility", and they would confirm any nonsense and heresy that I wrote there - because I'm next once, too, I would have waved without looking at their “essay on a free theme”, when they needed to ...
The head of the AWP promised that everything would be restored soon, new spare parts would be taken from the warehouse (yeah, they would take them three times - the storekeeper was also on that ill-fated dismissal at the same time) and sent the commandants to the city in a yard ...
By the evening, we were not able to drive with all the workstations only a booth with the inscription "Commandant's Office" - no one wanted to buy it, let alone take it for free. In order not to be an eyesore, they rattled it into the sump with a hoist, and we all together began to pretend that we didn’t sleep for days and nights - we were repairing the muffinka.
Well, so that my dear readers are imbued with the situation ...
In that ill-fated dismissal, there were 2 more vacant places in the dismissal note, the company commander, especially before signing, asked everyone if there were still those who wanted it - he would write it down. Some didn’t have money, some were on work orders, some were already planning on self-propelled for women... Therefore, as they say, God had mercy on me and my student - unexpectedly on Friday evening on a rigid hitch dragged KAMAZ with burnt wiring - and we, like two black miners, changed and repaired everything there until Tuesday morning.
Therefore, like locusts, we attacked this commandant’s zilok with all our arm and in an hour and a half did not leave a stone unturned from him - for everyone understood that he could then be in the place of the victims.
In two weeks
... Two weeks later, on Friday evening, when the head of the commandant's office got tired of riding to our workstation every day with a question about his zilka, he locked himself with the head of our workstation in his office with something jingling in a closed shopping bag, and they "talked" there about nature, weather and youth fashion. The approximate reconstruction of that evening was as follows:
- Hey, Vasya, and Vasya ... Can you honestly answer my question: when will my car be repaired?
– Hic... Petrovich... Do you want to be honest?
- Hic... I want...
- Never!
–...?!
“You offended everyone greatly ... Especially the foreman!”
– And what to do?
- Reconcile!
- But as?
- Well, as always in Rus', they put up after they clean each other's faces ?! You are small, right?
- ... And when to put up?
- On Monday morning, the foreman will just hand over duty ...
... Monday, we are on a divorce, we are given tasks. Then the commandant’s car drives in and the VVs begin to carry something hard in closed bags and a lot into the change house for civilian drivers. When the divorce is over, the head of the commandant’s office pulls out our foreman and invites him to follow him ...
At about 12 in the morning, staggering, holding each other, the foreman escorts the head of the commandant's office to his typewriter, they almost kiss passionately at parting, the commandant's office leaves. The foreman calls “our entire criminal gang” to the security booth at the checkpoint and sets the task:
- Hic ... On Friday morning, he will arrive ... hic ... a red chauffeur for his null car! There, at the civilians, everything that is on the left in the corner is yours, on the right - to hand over to the company commander tomorrow ... Personally I'll check!
And he leaves on our company ZIL-157 to his woman ... With a couple of cars ...
“To the left in the corner” there were two boxes of Stolichnaya, about 20 packs of filter cigarettes (a terrible shortage at that time, we usually have Prima or Belomor) and 15 kilograms of all sorts of delicacies ... We divided “brotherly”: the storekeeper took half for himself, the rest was “scattered among the participants”. My share - 2 bottles of vodka, 2 blocks of "Java" Java and a kilogram of 2 delicacies I "shared honestly" with my student. He did not smoke, I took cigarettes for myself, poured him a glass of vodka - for drinking alcohol in the army is nizya! Well, from the products, I personally made the most luxurious dinners for the two of us for 3 days personally - because it would be easier to throw the products in the trash than to allow it to cook.
By Friday morning, we didn’t have time, of course - you know, to “give birth out of thin air” to a new zilok - we handed it in for dinner ... 70 percent of the parts and spare parts were “completely by chance” found in the warehouse, 20 percent each found in their “bins of the Motherland” , and the remaining 10 were capitalized. According to the electrician: the light bulbs and the starter were used, the rest - even the dry battery - was given to me by the storekeeper.
I did better than I would have done myself! I even wiped everything inside the headlights with alcohol! Since then, at least, when our company was caught AWOL, they were released in order to avoid it and so that, but if they didn’t even dig into it in the official leave, the lesson was learned for the future.
Brazhka
The second half of this part of the tale goes under the motto:
About a month before the order, Chapai himself - as an apology - drove the commander of the unit to which our company was seconded - the body of the general's UAZ plus wiring, headlights, light bulbs - but that's it. The commander of the unit called his driver and said as soon as he would go new Uzaik - immediately to the demobilization, since the changer was already there.
A zero frame with military bridges was found by a comrade major from my fairy tale, an engine with attachments - also zero - “quite by accident” ended up with our storekeeper, I adjusted the battery and starter, etc., etc. - so “from boron on the pine" everything was found. Naturally, everything is by barter and not just like that - but we will not talk about the prose of life, we have a fairy tale, after all.
Three days after the order, when the demobilization had already slept off, got drunk, received lyuli according to the full scheme, work began on assembling a part of the new commander's UAZ in the garage. To all of us - about 10 people - the commander of the unit issued an order for 2 weeks. To understand the situation - we could even send the chief of staff of the unit by forest if he interfered with our work.
Days 3-4 I just hung out in the garage, waiting for the UAZ to be assembled. Then my turn came. Collected everything elestricheskoe, everything flashes, everything burns - but! An ambush - there are 5 free contacts left in the wiring - and it’s not even clear what to connect them to, because it’s already full stuffing - and everything works. In agreement with the carrier, I carefully wrapped them with electrical tape and shoved them inside the wiring.
For about a day or so, we “knocked on the wheels, wiped the mirrors” - as a result, the unit commander accepted our work, signed the demobilization at the carrier, and he gave us all, well, just a gorgeous dinner - we started at 11 pm, finished at 3 am. For the demobilization, he prepared brews in such an aluminum barrel of 25 liters, where they usually delivered water, tea, or the first in the army.
Well, first they drank 3 bottles of Stolichnaya to the crowd - then they reached the brew. I drank a soldier's mug - not in one eye. I finished my barbecue, I already want to sleep, it's time to go to the barracks, and then I do something stupid - I ask you to pour another mug of "this lemonade" "on the staff". The driver looks at me so suspiciously, asks if I am confident in my abilities? And I told him - like, what's your “lemonade” to me. He poured, I drank, said goodbye in spirit, he handed me a three-liter jar of brew, went out the garage gate, I lit a cigarette... And this is the last thing I remember...
Then, already in colors, they told me a heartbreaking history with my involvement...
Life is Beautiful?
The beginning of the fourth morning ... A body tumbles into the barracks "drunk-on-piano" body, puts the jar on the bedside table of the orderly, says: "To the commander!" and trying to go to bed... Dembel slept on the second floor - to watch TV from 10 a.m. after lights out until it stops - and the rookies from below: because there was not a fig to be seen from there. Yes, I understand that this does not look right from the outside - but "being determines consciousness." In short, at the very least, I undressed, but I couldn’t climb up to the second floor even with several attempts ... And nothing smart came to my mind how to start waking everyone in turn from the first floor and digging into him with the question:
- Answer me honestly! Is life really beautiful and amazing?
And while they did not give me a positive answer, I did not lag behind ...
I went around, that means, the first floor, lifted everyone ... Then again I tried to climb to my second floor - again it didn’t work, I even fell, so specifically ... Then, I started to wake up the demobilizers from the second floor ... On the third demobilization they tired, six people tied me up and nevertheless put me to bed - they say, as soon as they threw me on the bed, and my head touched the pillow - I fell asleep instantly.
The next morning, the junior sergeant on duty in the company, perhaps, would have hidden the entire night incident from the company commander - and this was not the case at night - but here a three-liter can of mash was at stake. I had to give the brew for its intended purpose, and lay me down according to the “full scheme”. At the same time, he didn’t have to invent where the two demobilizations got black eyes and one broken nose at the greenhorn (well, not completely broken - smashed to the ground). Still, my three years of boxing in front of the army for the “cheerleading group” were not in vain.
The company commander ordered me not to touch me for another week - well, and then he promised to "talk to me heart to heart."
Well, I didn't wait a week...
How I woke up in the evening, how I learned everything from a hangover, ran to the garage, got drunk there, ate the remnants of dinner, overslept, the next morning put myself in perfect order, closed my order-outfit with the chief of staff, caught our company commander myself and reported:
- Comrade Captain! Allow me to report! Private Korolev has arrived at your full disposal to fulfill his demobilization chord!
I got off with just duty people - for the company commander was imbued that even in an unconscious state, but I respect him, just like in this joke:
A man wakes up the next day after drinking, his head is splitting, a black eye flaunts under his eye ... He gets out of bed, and there the slippers are carefully lined up. He looks - everything is cleaned in the apartment, everything shines. He goes to the kitchen - he sees a glass of brine on the table and breakfast is cooked, next to it is a note: “Beer in the refrigerator. Gone to work, love. Your wife".
The man does not understand anything. The son is returning from school.
- What happened yesterday?
- You crawled drunk at night, with a black eye and vomited everything around.
- Yes, I'm not talking about that, where did breakfast, beer come from? ..
- Ah ... It was your mother who took off your dirty pants, and you told her: “Leave me alone,
IM married!"
The man does not understand anything. The son is returning from school.
- What happened yesterday?
- You crawled drunk at night, with a black eye and vomited everything around.
- Yes, I'm not talking about that, where did breakfast, beer come from? ..
- Ah ... It was your mother who took off your dirty pants, and you told her: “Leave me alone,
IM married!"
Well, I covered the injured boys with such a normal clearing as an apology - all claims were removed from me.
Once again, everyone from February 23! Health, happiness and success! And don't forget the classics:
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