“Office wars raged somewhere in a distant galaxy!”
("New Jedi vs. New Empire". "Episode 13")
("New Jedi vs. New Empire". "Episode 13")
If you are an employee of a new-fashioned office, which is a fairly spacious room, with desktops placed in it and a separate room for the chief with walls made of transparent polycarbonate, do not think and dream that you are more fortunate with work than those who have to work in small cabinets with desks still Soviet times, antediluvian computers and old cabinets with folders for papers. First of all, you should know that in such an office space, which in the West is called “open space” or “office in open space”, there are also own laws, own ethics and even specific secrets, without knowing which you are inside “this space” succeed will be very difficult!
During the conversation in the "common kitchen" you learned that some employee (God forbid, this will be your chef!) Hands do not reach the upbringing of a little boy. Then give her a gift for transferring to him such an airplane from ... a used tube of toilet paper. Just do not be greedy and thoroughly paint it under metallic aluminum. Both women and magpies are ready for everything brilliant! And so be calm if she has a husband, then she will explain to him where his hands grow from! Trifle, as they say, but nice - two and even three birds with one stone!
At first it will seem to you that it would be here to work, because everyone is in sight here, so your diligence and diligence will certainly be noticed and rewarded. However, in reality, all this is far from true. Because someone came to work a little earlier, someone later. Someone turned out to be, perhaps, by chance, on a place better than another, and someone with a place was not lucky at all. You need to know that workplaces in such an office are divided according to special rules, and you will need to behave in accordance with it, your position and - do not forget, with your own ideas and opinions about yourself. It is clear that it is necessary to constantly remember that it is not enough to know your own price, you also need others to agree with this price!
But first of all, you need to become a bit of a scout (or a spy - someone you like!), And very carefully, albeit imperceptibly for others, watch the line that is invisible to the eyes, but in such an office often, or rather, almost always, Invisibly connects the place of your boss, who is sitting in his glazed cubicle enclosure, and his secretary or assistant secretary at the entrance. The boss usually always involuntarily talks to them about the weather, sometimes complains about back pain or curses at the competitors - this is the first information contact he establishes with the “people” and which his “souls” greatly value. This assistant secretary or secretary can be likened to a dog that she found herself a bone and so simply will not give it back. From a formal point of view, they have neither power, nor position, but ... they can inform the boss after the end of the working day that you are the most stupid and worthless employee in the company and that you can be very easily done without you, but you can’t do without your nephew Maria Ivanovna ! To cross the road to such a secretary, especially if it is a dry old maid, and your boss is young enough and attractive - tantamount to career suicide! Such a woman to all other very often also a prude. Often prone to ostentatious religiosity - you will notice this by the icons on her desk - therefore, in an open office, such a woman is “worse than an atomic war.” Do not be angry with her in any way, and do not conflict with her. Or, on the contrary, try to do it in a motivated and public way, that is, in such a way that all her future machinations regarding you can be easily explained by her personal attitude to you. It is useless to pour salt into her sugar or to put a pin on a chair - she dreams of such and such “martyrdom” for her beloved chef! But you can try to get a drink in the insole on a corporate party in order to present your boss with qualitative material evidence of how much she compromises him. But just do it skillfully. Here, just watching the movie “Office Romance” is indispensable!
The simplest device for launching a “secret” type of “You are a fool!” Is a cocktail tube!
That is, to be close to such a line means to be able to find a common language with the authorities, although independent intellectuals and lazy people have no place here.
There is another secret axis in this room - the “axis of information”, and it is important, because knowledge of other people's affairs always gives power over them! Usually, the work is realistically around her, and anyone who wants to be aware of all the most important office matters should stay close to her. You can shift it to your side by various means. The simplest thing is to be aware of everything that is happening, be interested in any trifles and remember everything. First of all, who, what and when said. This makes a very strong impression on people and speaks of your excellent memory, although it may be just a tape recorder hidden in a breast pocket. Then it is important to be able to give advice to colleagues so as not to hurt their feelings. Secondly, (after all, all people are people), tell them (but only, of course, not with the secretary) that they saw your boss in the “adult goods” store or make them pay attention that he doesn’t drink alcohol even corporate parties. And to be constantly driving is very suspicious, especially in Russia. Or that your secretary constantly looks into the back of the boss when he holds meetings and still smiles and licks like a cat on sour cream, and many will think of you as a very observant and knowledgeable person - a source of useful information. But here it is important not to overdo it, otherwise you will easily become an ordinary gossip or gossip girl.
That's what a plastic spoon is good for ...
But there may be a secret informer of the boss among you, so always remember the Arabic proverb: “The guilty language is cut off with the head!” Well, if you don’t have such an axis, it’s just that no one is interested in real affairs , and the main occupations of employees are intrigue, gossip and frank groveling, so that from this “gaddyuk” resign as soon as possible!
Remember also that the manners of people have changed very little since ancient times. Therefore, rotating in a circle of people from such an “open office” (however, this also applies to any other form of organization of the workforce), remember the words of the 11th century Arab poet Abu al-Ala al-Mayar, who stated with sadness that “a noble person is an outcast everywhere for their fellow tribesmen and tribeswoman ... ". So you, if you are just such a person, should be ready for this!
There are two zones in the office where you will not benefit from staying. It is a "middle-earth" and also a "sleepy kingdom." Usually they are in the corners, or in the very center of the office, but at the same time facing the secretary or the boss. That is, they see that you are doing something, although in reality you can write a novel, “trynnyt in Odnoklassniki” or even more interesting: watch sites with pictures of “big tits”. The same places are located opposite the windows. You can admire the blue distance and sweetly dream of a summer holiday on the island of Cyprus ... All this is not so bad if you do not want to stay here for a long time. You are paid a salary, no one interferes with your work in your personal interests, and so is God with her work. And if you are not an ambitious person, then this is the place for you, why not ?! The analogue of these "townships" in Moscow is a house in South Butovo. You seem to live in the capital, but for some reason no one is in a hurry to change their housing!
But with such a catapult of clothespins, chopsticks, stirrers for coffee and spoons in the West, in the offices they even hold a competition for accuracy and firing range!
“Communal kitchen” - and it exists in offices and this, more often it is always close to the door. Usually there is a coffee maker, an electric kettle and a "drinking bowl" with water, and there everyone gathers to refill, and if you, if your place is near, do not have to envy: have to stand up close the door for visitors and enjoy the flavors of someone else's food, and watch as your colleagues chew, the pleasure is also not pleasant, especially since the culture of food in our people is still the same. But there is a plus - here is the second axis of information, or the "axis of gossip." Purposeful careerists, and just smart enough and, let's say, prudent office staff, should not treat such a place with disdain. Here you can also endure other people's flavors! Although, the information from here comes in a very specific way: who has what children (yours is always better than others!), And who what eats at breakfast. Serious matters are not discussed here. But only here you can find out that your boss at his previous job drank "well, just soundless" and that he is now "sewn up", therefore he does not drink along with everyone at corporate festivals. That he has no children, because at one time he had “two crosses” and he was treated for it for a long time, well, that's why he is so evil! Those who look down on “such things” down are very much at risk. One day all the same will be told about them!
“Harlem”, “ghetto” and “settlements” are also areas of your office, and in order to go there you do not need to go to the USA at all. "Vyselki" is just near the door, but with your back to the secretary and therefore she can always see what you are doing, so you will have to work more than others, but the boss may not know your face. "Ghetto" is the place where those poor fellows sit, who are a sample of office mediocrity. “Harlem” is nothing but a kind of “settlement”, but the “ghetto” is a group of tables near the wall, accessible to the secretary’s watchful eye, therefore, those who sit there, sometimes even speak with a word.
Office work is always hard work, and then any work is, in general, a place where you are offended by the authorities and colleagues, but also by the state itself. Remember the saying that “hell is different! And just in such and such an office is full of them. In addition, always remember the basic principle of the Pareto Law, that 80% of the people around you ... are fools, and, having it all in your head, ... get to work! Well, in order to remove the stress accumulated during the whole day, learn to do something that would give you pleasure and remove aggression. Want to shout at your wife? This is not a method! Besides, suddenly you will be paralyzed and she will have to enclose the ship under you? It means that you can’t dump bad office emotions on the people closest to you. Believe that your colleagues at work are just not worth it. Therefore, in the West, it has reached the point that even psychologists specially develop scenarios of “office wars”, the purpose of which is to solve problems with stress at work.
Of course, you can, in spite of female colleagues, change toilets every day, but in order to succeed in this, you must know the measure and be only a little better than everyone else, because people simply cannot stand the superiority of others in a significant amount.
Someone in the truest sense of the word may try to annoy his opponents - that is, pour a container of sugar (if they use it, of course!) With a teaspoon of salt. But such actions - remember, are defined as “harassment”, and harassment of employees by sex, age, as well as due to bad location, are usually prohibited, what is written about even in the company's mission!
But if your office space is divided into cell sections with frosted glass partitions, then there is a good way to relieve stress - the simplest catapult from a plastic spoon for coffee or tea. Instead, you can use wooden chopsticks for coffee, but not all offices use them. The range of such a catapult is large enough, and allows you to shoot mounted "fire" throughout the office, while the small size makes it easy to hide! Shells can be paper balls, but the best way to relieve stress is shooting models of insects - flies, scorpions, beetles, cockroaches. Such "gifts" falling from the ceiling have a strong nervous effect on the female half of the office staff, as well as, by the way, on squeamish men.
The simplest wooden gun on 3-5 charges in the West can be bought for only 2,6 dollars!
Drives for throwing darts in offices is no longer in fashion! It is much more fun to shoot stress with shooting devices ... with colored office bands! Here, ahead of the rest of the world, the Japanese are leading, although the rest of the world is not very far behind. So, in the magazine "Popular Mechanics" once even put the description and scheme of the 16-barrel "rubber band" driven by an electric motor with ammunition in the whole 720 gum - a real electric gun! On each of its “trunks” there are 16 cuts, which are hooks for the rubber bands, and the rubber bands themselves are in turn lowered with the help of a cord, which is wound onto a drum driven by an electric motor!
And this is just a photo of this multiplicative miracle!
True, this "gadget" has to be charged for more than one and a half hours. However, there are "mechanisms" on the 2-7 "charges". It seems ridiculous: adult uncles and aunts "bullet" each other with colored rezinochki, but this is how stress is relieved and overall efficiency increases. And besides, after all, it is said that life is a game, and today's man is not so much Homo Sapiens as Homo Ludens ?!