Military Review

How I flew over the USA: Memoirs of the Caliber-NK rocket, serial number 1290-56 HAANR

44



I was born quite recently, in March 2015, in my native factory in the Ural city of Yekaterinburg. My twin sisters that day came into the world a lot more. On this occasion there was a rally and a big long holiday in the workshop.

The first thing that I remembered in my life was the warm words of the master of the site, Semyon Yerofeyich, who mentally wiped my warhead with pure alcohol, exhaled heavily and said with heartfelt words:

- Well, dear, for you ... Happy flight and so that you fly low, close to the ground, close and always get to where the water is! And, uh, for love!

After that, I did not remember for a long time what was happening to me. Then they took us, a whole flock of sisters somewhere, and we spent some time in a warm, cozy warehouse, where we were well cared for, even measured the temperature and rubbed for a long time from dust.

Around the middle of August, Simon Erofeich came to visit with a whole group of ensigns, officers and generals, and for a long time chose a group of twenty-six missiles. In the end, they were nevertheless chosen and taken, as it turned out, to the Caspian flotilla. And the rest were told that we would not be very upset, because there would be enough work for everyone. Saying goodbye, master Semyon Erofeich came up to me, I don’t know why, but he really liked me, patted him at the place next to my waist and said that he would come again soon.

As we soon found out with joy, our sisters did not disgrace their home plant, on October 7 they flew from the Caspian Sea 2015 and exactly hit all the targets in Syria.
After this news we were very upset because in their place each of us really wanted to be.

And then there were the ensigns who served us, came to the storage and translated aloud, laughing, from English, the thoughts of some Dave, perhaps, Madzhumdar, The National Interest military observer, who was greatly surprised that “Russian cruise missiles long-range, which can usually be found only on larger ships, were launched from “relatively miniature corvettes” and that the “Buyan-M” with eight “Caliber NK” missiles on board “performs a more massive strike than US frigate type "Oliver H. Pe ", and certainly has more firepower than any of the American warships of the coastal zone LCS. The only armed ships of the United States with similar firepower are destroyers like" Arly Burk "and missile cruisers like" Ticonderoga ” much more in size and several times more expensive than the "Buyans".

We were even more delighted when we learned that after the flight of our sisters over the Iranian American aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt fled from the Persian Gulf in a panic, feeling like a defenseless rabbit in the paws of an Amur tiger.

And soon Master Semen Erofeich and many more workers and engineers came to visit us again. So they told us that they would select several missiles to perform a responsible government assignment.

As I wanted, as I wanted to be among the lucky chosen ones! And my wish came true.

We were told that we would never tell anything, from where and how they would launch us, this is just a very important state secret. And before leaving, we were set up with some tricky devices and said that thanks to them we would be completely invisible. And they added special devices for reconnaissance instead of explosives.

Then they programmed our navigation devices and warmly wished good luck.
Semyon Yerofeich already wept, remembering his youth, when he served in Cuba and drove our grandmothers there - tactical missiles P-12 ...

And finally we were launched. Some of our sisters went to bathe in the ocean in special waterproof containers. They also carried out a special task, just another: they had to start and hit their targets with a special signal from the satellite if necessary.

And I, along with my sisters, flew over the dark waters of the Pacific Ocean and soon saw lights on the Pacific coast of the United States. We learned that it was the city of San Francisco. then we headed to North Island in Coronado, California, aircraft carriers, visited Kitsap-Bangor, Kitsap-Bremerton, San Diego and Point Loma, where we admired the US Navy. Frankly, nothing special, they did not even pay attention to us.
How I flew over the USA: Memoirs of the Caliber-NK rocket, serial number 1290-56 HAANR


Then a friendly flock, suicide about his, about the female, headed towards the west coast of the USA towards the city of Washington.

On the way, we listened with interest as residents of small American towns lively discussed the appearance in these places of unidentified flying objects in the form of luminous plates, which rushed past their windows at high speed.

Laughing at the closest Americans, we continued our flight. On the way, we visited the US secret facility on the border of Washington and Oregon, and several other main and advanced bases of the US Army.

Along the way, we transmitted the received information to our satellites with the help of super-speed equipment and encryption.

And finally, below us is the city of Washington. Here, of course, we did not withhold, and, having turned on the economic mode of operation of the engines, we hung for a long time at the Oval Office of the White House to hear what they were saying. Simple female curiosity, you know ...


Sit, therefore, in this office, US President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Secretary of State John Kerry, Senator John McCain, Victoria Nuland, and so quarrel among themselves that it is pleasant even to listen.

Obama says McCain sells ISIS oil. McCain replies that Obama himself delivers ISIS weapon. Kerry argues with Biden which of them will undertake to organize the supply of old Soviet S-125 "Pechora" air defense systems from Ukraine through Qatar to ISIS in order to somehow help him fight the Russian aviation.

And Victoria Nuland in general fell into a tantrum and sobs, lamenting:

“God, how I am sick of this Ukraine ... And why am I, stupid, contacted these Ukrainians ... Poroshenko is drinking and wandering soundly ... Yatsenyuk pushes money without end ... Turchinov prays ...

And the money we give them disappears somewhere all the time. And the Ukrainians blame everyone for their problems, and for us, first of all, and not just Russia. Blaming everyone for their troubles, but not themselves, they have such a national idea. They already threaten me to lyustrirovat ... Lord, for what?

They endlessly scandal, fight, understand and can not figure it out among themselves. Now I understand why Putin did not send troops into Ukraine, but transferred all the arrows on us: he knew what the Ukrainian elites are, and we didn’t even guess what scandalous, grumpy quarrel we fall into ...

And Obama is trying to calm her down and says:

- Well, not everything is so bad: we are well organized flow of refugees to Europe. And what the attacks turned out in Paris? These stupid Europeans do not even remember that we were standing at the origins of the creation of ISIS. They naively think that ISIS itself has climbed to Europe. It now remains to organize a couple of accidents at the Ukrainian nuclear power plants, blame Russia for everything and everything will go like clockwork ...

Here Biden intervenes:

“Shhhhhhhhh, Mr. President ... More carefully, please, the Russians can eavesdrop on us ...”

We laughed at them, what to take from them, from Americans to take, they don’t know what our range is and what we can do, and then headed to the final destination of the route to the Atlantic. They successfully splashed down there, they raised us from the water and took us to our native plant.

There, master Semyon Yerofey happily met everyone. During the after-flight service, when it was so pleasant to me to feel his warm hands on my body again, he revealed the secret of what the HAANR index means in our serial number:

- Fuck America, not Russia ...
Author:
Originator:
http://www.worldandwe.com/ru/page/kak_ya_letala_nad_ssha_memuary_rakety_kalibrnk_zavodskoy_nomer_129056_haanr.html
44 comments
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  1. oldseaman1957
    oldseaman1957 24 November 2015 14: 59 New
    +4
    "How I flew over the USA: memoirs of a rocket ..."
    Not ME, but WE! (500 pieces !!!)
    1. 79807420129
      79807420129 24 November 2015 15: 04 New
      48
      You girls sisters need to visit Ankara with friendly greetings to explain to Erdogan that he is wrong, and the older brothers Bulava and Yars with Topoli will visit Washington.
      1. Trailer
        Trailer 24 November 2015 15: 06 New
        43
        A nuclear warhead flies from Russia to America, and a Russian one flies in response. They meet .. Well, the Russian persuaded a colleague for the meeting, then for the Victory, then for world peace. American and says: "Even I'm completely drunk .. I will not reach the goal." The Russian friend embraces her: "Come, I will see you home!" (with)
        1. Baikonur
          Baikonur 24 November 2015 15: 10 New
          +8
          5+! Topical joke. I also liked how the author also animates the rocket.
          The first thing that I remembered in my life was the warm words of the master of the site, Semyon Yerofeyich, who mentally wiped my warhead with pure alcohol, exhaled heavily and said with heartfelt words:
          -Well, dear, for you ... Have a happy flight and that you fly low-low, close to the ground, and always get to where to put on! E-uh, for love!
          From Russia with love! Only! love drinks
          1. dr.Bo
            dr.Bo 24 November 2015 15: 15 New
            -3
            similar to the "notes of the mad"
            1. NEXUS
              NEXUS 24 November 2015 15: 42 New
              +1
              Quote: dr.Bo
              similar to the "notes of the mad"

              It remains to understand that the author smoked or drank while writing the article.
            2. severniy
              severniy 24 November 2015 15: 47 New
              +1
              TA-dah. And with current events it’s also provocative ...
              The heads should be cold ... (within the medical norm what)
        2. Delph
          Delph 24 November 2015 19: 41 New
          0
          Unambiguously my favorites !! It's a pity I can’t put a plus sign yet, but I’ll leave it “in pencil”
      2. oleg-gr
        oleg-gr 24 November 2015 15: 11 New
        +1
        Wonderful article. More of these stories and memoirs. "Partners" to envy.
      3. Fat
        Fat 24 November 2015 15: 19 New
        +5
        not all at once. it’s necessary to morally ruin the entire Turkish elite. publish the whole compromise on the Erdoganchik family.
      4. ty60
        ty60 24 November 2015 15: 38 New
        +6
        Cover each bomber or attack aircraft with a pair of 30s. In case of attacks of the Fu-16 immediately turnaround. When you enter the territory of Syria, shoot down the Turks immediately!
        1. gunya
          gunya 24 November 2015 17: 17 New
          +3
          And why should it be so overloaded, to apply electronic warfare systems when approaching the borders of Syria "curious" so that they "land" from loss of control. Cheap and easy to understand.
      5. PValery53
        PValery53 24 November 2015 18: 43 New
        +1
        And why not?! - I support. “customers” were fined.
    2. EvgNik
      EvgNik 24 November 2015 15: 23 New
      +5
      Quote: oldseaman1957
      Not ME, but WE! (500 pieces !!!)

      It was just intelligence. A good, good bedtime story is always nice. +
    3. sgazeev
      sgazeev 24 November 2015 17: 28 New
      0
      Quote: oldseaman1957
      "How I flew over the USA: memoirs of a rocket ..."
      Not ME, but WE! (500 pieces !!!)

  2. mag nit
    mag nit 24 November 2015 14: 59 New
    +4
    Tell your sisters to visit Turkey on a “friendly” visit.
    1. The comment was deleted.
  3. Vladimirets
    Vladimirets 24 November 2015 15: 02 New
    18
    Honestly, stupid. negative
    1. sub307
      sub307 24 November 2015 15: 28 New
      +2
      By God ... - I agree. It’s painfully “sugary in the mouth” has become ... I’ll go and rinse with alcohol.
    2. The comment was deleted.
    3. Sober
      Sober 24 November 2015 15: 53 New
      +2
      Well, so easy, laid back ..., i.e. joked.
      Now the wits say: in every joke there is a fraction of a joke. And I will say in our old way: in every joke there is some truth. Like this!
    4. Army soldier2
      Army soldier2 24 November 2015 17: 33 New
      +1
      Maybe the author confused VO with the magazine "Murzilka"?
  4. marna
    marna 24 November 2015 15: 03 New
    +1
    A life-affirming article, maybe somewhere silly, but gives hope for some kind of security)
  5. HAM
    HAM 24 November 2015 15: 05 New
    +4
    Yesterday I read it, it was amusing, but today I realized it was stupid. I’m still not going to lie calmly on the sofa ...
  6. Yarik
    Yarik 24 November 2015 15: 07 New
    +6
    the author probably forgot to say that flying over the Americans the HAANR found this too:
    1. Riv
      Riv 24 November 2015 15: 21 New
      +5
      Passing the addon to the third Fallout with pleasure planted along the Pentagon from orbit.
  7. tomket
    tomket 24 November 2015 15: 12 New
    +3
    for some reason reminded ......
    1. Reducer
      Reducer 24 November 2015 15: 25 New
      +2
      Everything in this world has already been
  8. Flinky
    Flinky 24 November 2015 15: 16 New
    +2
    In every tale, as you know - only a fraction of the tale ...
    1. Sober
      Sober 24 November 2015 15: 55 New
      0
      Well, somewhere like that ....
      Quote: Flinky
      In every tale, as you know - only a fraction of the tale ...
  9. blomsterd
    blomsterd 24 November 2015 15: 17 New
    +3
    An article about nothing, too small for a serious site :(.
    1. EvgNik
      EvgNik 24 November 2015 15: 29 New
      +6
      Quote: Blomsterd
      too small for a serious site

      I would not say. Sometimes you have to laugh. Sometimes, in the comments, jokes with a beard from month to month appear the same - this infuriates.
    2. Sober
      Sober 24 November 2015 15: 57 New
      -2
      You are absolutely right, but there are articles on which you relax.
      Quote: Blomsterd
      An article about nothing, too small for a serious site
  10. Igor Olegovich
    Igor Olegovich 24 November 2015 15: 36 New
    +1
    Good tale. The main thing is instructive. As the saying goes: "The tale is a lie, but there is a hint in it, a" good uncles "lesson."
  11. kit-kat
    kit-kat 24 November 2015 15: 39 New
    -3
    wiped my warhead with pure alcohol

    Well, there should be a combat compartment, not a head))
  12. mitya24
    mitya24 24 November 2015 15: 39 New
    +3
    Maybe a funny little article, and even laughed at another time, but ... after what I saw today ..... out of place ... Earth rest in peace for our pilot and get out of the devil surviving
    1. Felix1
      Felix1 24 November 2015 16: 17 New
      0
      it seems that only one pilot left the plane. but definitely not sure.
      1. Aleksey_K
        Aleksey_K 24 November 2015 16: 38 New
        +3
        Quote: Felix1
        it seems that only one pilot left the plane. but definitely not sure.

        I personally saw two parachutes on one of the videos.
  13. nrex
    nrex 24 November 2015 15: 46 New
    +1
    Quote: dr.Bo
    similar to the "notes of the mad"

    Notes of the Mad Lu Xin, an amusing little thing. It’s as if you are touching yourself. )))
  14. Mark68
    Mark68 24 November 2015 15: 48 New
    0
    . In general, I don’t understand why such hat-writing articles are to be given.
  15. nrex
    nrex 24 November 2015 15: 53 New
    0
    Quote: Mark68
    . In general, I don’t understand why such hat-writing articles are to be given.

    In order that if that .. !! At least the smile of the Cheshire cat remained from us, and not the chicken ass.)))
  16. clidon
    clidon 24 November 2015 15: 53 New
    0
    School creativity?
  17. nrex
    nrex 24 November 2015 15: 58 New
    +2
    962410301 © RIA Novosti
    According to Turkish media reports, the S-400, which is not officially there (is there an analogue on ships?), Has been activated in Syria and is leading all Turkish military fighters near the border with Syria.

    There was no order to shoot down so far, but it can arrive at any second, as soon as Russia considers that Turkish fighters crossed the Syrian border for 5-10 seconds.
    1. clidon
      clidon 24 November 2015 19: 52 New
      +1
      The operation is very, very carefully prepared; say, if there are 38 snipers, then each sniper has a goal, and he sees this goal all the time. She - the goal - moves, and he moves with his eyes, so to speak, constantly, constantly, in this way.


      PS On ships can only be S-300F.
  18. Felix1
    Felix1 24 November 2015 16: 13 New
    -6
    some nonsense, a monologue with himself. but I didn’t know what they were doing in Yekaterinburg. Of course, not on the topic, but just in Yekaterinburg there were clashes between the protesters and the security forces.
  19. Kolovrat88
    Kolovrat88 24 November 2015 16: 16 New
    -3
    in the madhouse exit galleries or what?
  20. Old26
    Old26 24 November 2015 19: 34 New
    -3
    Quote: NEXUS
    It remains to understand that the author smoked or drank while writing the article

    I didn’t even drink, but how much ...

    Quote: Mark68
    In general, I don’t understand why such hat-writing articles are to be given.

    That's for sure. The main thing, why such materials at VO?
  21. Delph
    Delph 24 November 2015 19: 37 New
    0
    Fun, provocative, moderately instructive, but too early ...
    However, +
  22. alone
    alone 24 November 2015 19: 54 New
    0
    I read the article! Advice to the author.



    laughing
  23. v.yegorov
    v.yegorov 24 November 2015 21: 04 New
    -1
    Quote: NEXUS
    Quote: dr.Bo
    similar to the "notes of the mad"

    It remains to understand that the author smoked or drank while writing the article.

    What for? Want to try?