Sunday feuilleton. Martian Chronicles
It is better to do nothing than to do nothing.
Tolstoy L.N.
Tolstoy L.N.
I
Five minute jog on the fresh world news, dear comrades readers, will lead you into the tone in the morning and excite the cleaner of the famous Mulliner’s cheer once thought up by the brilliant P. G. Woodhouse.
According to the director of the United States National Intelligence, J. Clapper, whose information was supplemented by a number of anonymous sources from the Pentagon, the Syrian President Bashar Assad began to use against his own people not only chemical, but also biological weapon. The contents of blue barrels were poured into the turbulent Syrian rivers and other sources of water, turning people into docile herds of zombies. The roaming living dead do not demand democracy and human rights, but they gladly eat the brains of the opposition.
As reported by the world media, sitting in a Norwegian three-room camera, Anders Breivik established contact with the alien mind through the well-known investigative journalism of the Russian TV channel "REN TV". It was there that the terrorist complained about the oppression in prison: the enemies of the Norwegian people do not allow him to create a political party, stand for election, and also call from the shower stall to Alpha Centauri. It turned out that Breivik himself is the illegitimate son of one of those “tall white blondes” from Alpha Centauri, who helped Hitler to build a bunker and submarines during World War II. It is expected that now the case of Brevik the earthling will be transferred to the Galactic intercivilizational court, the connection with which is constantly maintained through the shower on the REN TV channel.
The runaway whistleblower Snowden received entire media coverage this week. Influential American people through American influential television channels suggested that Edward was the messenger of the Russian special services, who helped him to steal all the information from the computers of the NSA, the Pentagon and the Oval Office, all the way from the phone conversations of President Obama with the charming premier of Denmark. Such omnipotence of the Kremlin! Who could have imagined! And this is in America, but what happens then in the EU, in the immediate, so to speak, proximity to the geopolitical adversary? The Americans immediately notified their allies in Western Europe. An article by Melik Kaylen was printed in Forbes magazine with a conditional signal: “The Russians know who they are. They are again at the gates of Europe. From this we must begin. " As for Snowden, the Americans decided to put him on the hit list. The fugitive will be engaged during the Olympics, when the FSB moves from Moscow to Sochi.
A separate trend in the media formed the news about V. V. Putin. Michael Collins Piper from “American Free Press” delivered a panegyric to Vladimir Vladimirovich under the heading “Putin-style politics can save the United States.” According to the correspondent, the mighty Putin is about to overcome the oligarchs in Russia; they practically live the last days. The United States should be aligned with Russia: they need a leader like the Russian president, in order to put an end to the oligarchs who have dug in in New York, Washington and Los Angeles once and for all.
Other Western journalists are dreaming of Putin. The Guardian correspondent, Sean Walker, for example, flew with Vladimir V.P. in a dream “over the Siberian tundra on a luxury private jet,” and Putin told him something very secret about Assad. Veronica Dorman dreamed that Putin had a party and taught correspondent girls to drink Russian vodka. And a journalist, Marina Akhmedova, dreamed of Putin in a dress coat flying a goose.
On the Internet, both Russian and Western, the opinion is being replicated that the British want to get Putin for the post of Cameron, the French are waiting for him to replace Hollande, and the Americans are ready to accept him instead of Obama. And nothing that V.P.P. in English does not speak, but only in German and in his own thirty-three letter. For the sake of such a thing, the recipient countries will learn Russian.
II
- Eh? - the reader will say.
And he will be right. But - only half.
Because the news (see above) is only a joke. Mr. Klapper really said about the possibility of the production and use of biological weapons by B. Assad, Breivik actually wrote on REN TV, a trio of Michael Rogers, Dianne Feinstein and Michael McCall naturally hinted at the mysterious help of Russian intelligence officers in the Snowden case, and Putin, unlike Obama, Cameron or Hollande, Western journalists do indeed regularly dream about it. And to the well-bred Sean Walker, he comes in a dream in a "fully dressed" form.
A couple of weeks ago, one of my 50-year-old acquaintances - a comrade, by the way, is not stupid, - admitted that he was dying from the news. I said so directly. He is stupid from the news of television, network and those that listen to the radio when he goes, or rather, stands in traffic jams, in his car. Dullness is expressed in the fact that he has ceased to understand what is actually happening in the world and in the country. Perhaps aliens rule the Earth? Or 50 years - already that ... age? Is it time to go into a senile state? “My brain is worn out,” he complained.
I sympathized with him and explained that over the years, the fate of a genetically modified product begins to threaten the active consumer of news: the look is the same, but the inside is a little bit different. “Do not panic, my friend,” I said, and advised him an effective antidote: sit down to read Tolstoy’s journalism. For Lev Nikolayevich, when his beard turned gray, became firmly established in the only true thought: all people were crazy.
III
The one who spent several years at the computer processing the information is well known: the consumer of news eventually reaches such a condition-modification that he begins to take even the most complete information vacuum for news. Nowadays, correspondents tap words on computer keyboards, announcers speak them on television - and behind words there is absolutely nothing. This is the special virtuosity of the so-called postmodern world: to produce nothing under the guise of something.
Read the five headlines from the RIA Novosti website: “Ashton will go to Kiev again next week”; “The court in Armenia will consider the case of the son of the country's sport minister”; “The new stage of negotiations between the“ six ”and Iran will be held on February 18 in Vienna”; "The Russian Federation in February may lift restrictions on the import of turkey meat from the US"; "The foreign ministers of the Russian Federation, the Federal Republic of Germany and Poland in Munich can discuss the crisis in Ukraine."
The so-called news in this list either refers to the future tense, or is questionable: “can take off,” “can discuss.”
But the examples are taken only from one agency!
The noise from empty materials is inevitably accompanied by a public echo. (The name of the well-known radio station Ekho Moskvy - it also means something.) The clogging of the air takes place on a planet scale. There is a non-stop conveyor production of text simulacra, empty paragraphs, supplemented by reminders of previous empty paragraphs, for processing of which - look-ka - have already begun by gentlemen observers, experts, analysts, academics, soothsayers, psychics, magicians, aliens, LGBT rights advocates and presidential national security advisers.
In Tolstoyan, this is called "doing nothing."
However, this is a saying, a fairy tale in front. Real extraterrestrial stories begin where the news from the plot to the denouement is prepared by chronic Martians from journalism.
From the hearing that has been put into the network, the drug “stuffing” or the absurd fantasy of some sleepless, hungover, or having read the conspiracy literature of a journalist over the planet, poisonous etheric waves diverge over the planet. Mass reading begins, translations are made (extremely inaccurate and always artistic), discussions are held in 44 languages and 1227 dialects, speed analytics are taken from 20 $ for 10000 signs of Martian fiction, they are joined by narrow experts on these or other questions - from systems of anti-aircraft weapons to bearded interpreters of the Quran, and in other cases, “information” turns into something so triumphantly surprising that it has to be refuted (with some awkwardness) at the level of the presidential administration dent. Officials call the New York Times, go to NBC or Channel One if it happens in Russia. After the denial, the “news” has been circulating in the blogosphere for another year and a half, it is stirring up the brains of the world community, causing massive adrenaline rush (well, of course! Russia invades Poland — right, you know, through Sweden, which will not last even weeks, but NATO has run out not only ammunition, but also money for war), then the noise comes to naught, sometimes arising again in the form of individual cries, to which more enlightened comrades should react in the following way: they give the shouter a reference to the refutation and advise to read fresh materials - those that have not yet oprov Bent.
"Stuffing" is a whole art, sometimes reaching amazing heights, that is, rising to absolute absurdity. Modern stuffing is a dramatization of the chemical (biological) killing by the Syrian President of his people, and the American news about Saudi Arabia as the main fighter against Al-Qaeda. The West has long since “thrown” information into the Internet that the President of the Russian Federation has a lot of twins (at least six; the seventh is questionable). Many Americans believe that the United States since the Second World War is ruled by alien reptiles, successfully pretending to be tall white blondes (the most disastrous representative of this tribe in terms of mimicry is B.H. Obama). But after all, Carpenter’s fascinating film “They Live” (“They Live”; a variant of the name in the Russian box office: “Aliens among us”) explained everything long ago. So why do we need news at all?
IV
My friend took the medicine in the form of Tolstoy not immediately. His brain, accustomed to consuming up-to-date information, resisted being sent back to the nineteenth century. But I showed my friend some collection - and now he considers Karamzin to be too modern, and finds Plato's dialogues to be the most topical reading.
I showed him an article by Vladimir Mukhin "Russian military specialists already in Syria" with the subtitle "They are preparing four C-300 divisions for combat work." Its source is "Independent newspaper". We will not argue on the topic of C-300 in Syria, this information, most likely, is also a sauce for a non-existent roast. The point is that the "Independent" published a note 16.05.2013 in 00: 01: 00.
May ended, the summer passed, and the news shook the news under a suspiciously similar headline: “Russian military experts are already in Syria. They are preparing four C-300 divisions for combat work. ” Posted note site Politikus.ru. Referring to the above article in NG (prudently not specifying the date of the source material), Politicus launched the news on September 2 (02.09.2013, 03: 18).
Site "Politicus" I have also been able to play the role of a “original source” - for example, with the note “France proposed to use Russian at the official level in the EU”. Date and time of publication: 15.05.2012, 08: 58. This news has long been taken away on Facebook and other contacts. But not only for them.
More recently, in January 2014, the Ukrainian site became interested in this material. "Controversy". 6 January 2014, exactly on 15: 15, a note entitled “The Russian language was proposed to be used in the EU at the official level” produced an echo on the air and even received 14 reader reviews (on February 1). "Controversy" honestly gave a link to "Politicus", but not to the material itself, but to the main page. But only who needs this link, except the Politicus itself, which tracks the citation index?
Especially my friend liked the news in the collection under the heading “Will cow methane replenish the Estonian treasury?”, Dated 16 in August 2013 (time - 21: 45) and published on the website NovostiUA.net. This resource has set a kind of record for updating outdated news (more precisely, “old age”).
Original material found on "DELFI" under the heading "People's Union: tax on cow methane will replenish the state budget?" Date of original publication - 7 in May 2008 of the year, 18: 29. Thus, the time difference between the original and rewriting re-telling was more than five years!
There are other examples of "old age." The expressive speech in the Belgian parliament of Deputy Laurent Louis, delivered over a year ago and including the war in Syria, is still given by many “journalists” to be fresh.
Why write news? Write-rewrite is always easier. It is not excluded that someone enterprising will soon start using 1970's articles from Pravda as a template, slightly manipulating geography, replacing the “general secretary” with the “president”, substituting the necessary surnames and getting rid of the message “ comrade. " However, it is possible and not to get rid of "companion". After all, everyone has already believed that Putin is building the indestructible foundation of the USSR 2.0 on the bones of oligarchs. The products of metallurgists and the crops of grain growers, delivered to the bins of the Motherland, are being replaced by the offshore achievements of the gas industry, oil industry workers and bankers, that's all. The cold war, the aggression of American imperialism, NATO — external enemies remained almost unchanged, except that atheists and homosexuals were added to them (for convenience, the last two types are counted as internal enemies). There is nothing new under the sun - they talked about this even in Old Testament times.
Finally, headlines. The headline of the news is a completely separate dish, and it should be consumed as such, and it is better to return the waiter altogether, not forgetting to spit on the tray.
Here's a headline for you: "Ulitskaya, Bykov and Stephen Fry will talk about Russian literature in London." A source: RIA News", publication date: 12.04.2013, 04: 06.
Will talk? But Mr. Bykov in London ... was not. Therefore, he could not talk to anyone there. The brilliant planned absence of Bykov is clarified by reading a note from RIA Novosti. The text says: “The visitors of the exhibition will meet with Lyudmila Ulitskaya, Oleg Pavlov, Igor Sakhnovsky, Anna Starobinets, Maria Galina, Arkady Shtypel, as well as with famous Russian-speaking writers of Britain, including Zinovy Zinik, Irina Kirillova and Khamid Ismaylov”.
About the greatness of Bykov in London only the film “Russias Open Book” reminded, in which Bykov himself, Ulitskaya, Starobinets and Stephen Fry took pictures. The one who likes to wear a hat with earflaps, tying it under the chin.
* * *
Do you still want to read the news? Then register on "Military Review"! Only here - the whole truth about the documents of Snowden, the new Russian secret missiles, the president of the globe, the votes from Alpha Centauri and the joint project of the GRU and Marine Le Pen on the collapse of the European Union!
Information