Grandfather Panas and the European Union (Versions.com Ukraine)
From the message of the Interfax-Ukraine news agency: “President of Ukraine Viktor Yanukovych urges the Verkhovna Rada to support as soon as possible the package of bills necessary to sign the Association Agreement with the European Union. “We must ensure the adoption of laws envisaged by the European Union’s visa liberalization action plan for Ukraine,” said the head of state, speaking in parliament after the inauguration of the third session. ”
Excerpt from the internal circular of the Presidential Administration to local executive authorities: “... Taking into account the importance of the tasks of accelerating European integration, we draw your attention to the need to work to identify members of sexual minorities and register them at the place of residence. We consider it necessary to provide comprehensive assistance in providing the LGBT community with all the necessary materials and services for normal functioning. Within two months, they should send statistical reports to higher bodies, which, in particular, should indicate how many gay, lesbian, bestiality, transsexual, transgender minority groups in each administrative-territorial unit. We draw the attention of managers to personal responsibility for the data provided and their compliance "...
- "... the average European indicators", - read the chairman of the collective farm "Cherry" (formerly named "Philosophical and Economic Manuscripts Karl Marx 1848 of the Year) of Zhytomyr Region, known among the villagers as Semyonich. The local asset of the Party of Regions in the face of zootechnics, milkmaids and the accountant carefully looked into his mouth. Semyonitch slowly got wet sweaty bald spot and growled: "Well, blah?".
- So I did not understand, do we need to do something? - Baba Nastya asked, she is also an advanced machine milking operator in the recent past.
- Europeans need to look ... - thoughtfully spoke Semenych.
- So where? - genuinely astonished woman Nastya, slapped her hands on wide thighs and looked at the crowd. “Last year, Valya went to pick up strawberries here for the Poles, so not even a single European has raped her.
- Do you answer in rhyme or in fact? !! - The chairman got wound up, who was brought the contents of the circular against the painting in the area and hinted very transparently about personal responsibility. What it is, Semyonitch guessed, because he was not done with a finger and had experience in the ranks of the SA behind his shoulders. He immediately understood that they had shoved all the work on him, so that he could then report to the center on the progress achieved in the European integration of the regions.
- You are not part, chairman, explain humanly what this transgender person is and how to plant it? - the zootechnician interfered, who was considered an intellectual in the village, because he always protruded his little finger when he drank moonshine.
Semyonitch outlined the picture. It turned out that it was necessary to find blood from the nose among the personnel of a couple of gays, one lesbian and, if lucky, also a transgender person. Otherwise, the chairman will have anal sex with the leadership of the area. Brainstorming began. It cannot be said that the villagers were backward and unenlightened people. Almost all the children bought cell phones, and Baba Nastya even bravely surfed the Internet on “didjus” and asked “Google”, which she considered as a doctor, how to treat pancreatitis. The course of the party and the opposition to the close integration of local residents in Germany was also well known. Moreover, it was welcomed because paying forty euros for a “Schengen” to go, as it was said here, “to wash the back of the fritz” is too much. However, the new integration of the local population is slightly embarrassed. But since the authorities said, then it must be executed. Started with the candidacy of a malicious lesbian. Baba Nastya immediately suggested writing to her sexual minority her neighbor Teklyu, who, I quote, “such a bitch, launches geese in my garden every time.” “I told her, an active lesbian, said a hundred times: lock up your ganers, they trampled and exhausted me, how much did they attack,” Baba Nastya entered the image, since it was a question of pain.
After a long discussion, Teklu was deleted from the list of active lesbians. First, age. Still, 75 is not exactly the right year for same-sex love. Secondly, many of those present were afraid of revenge from the granny, who for many hours could have an interlocutor in the brain that your Tymoshenko. Pretty quickly lesbian candidates began to fall off one by one. The saleswoman from Silpo passed the longest in the nominees, but she too was excluded due to the presence of three children, a husband and a lover. "The image is not the same! ..", - thoughtfully summed up Semyonitch and became sad. It was decided to approach the problem from the other end. That is, to find a suitable n ****** a. All those present agreed that Vaska-tractor driver is a rare fagot, because he constantly gets drunk and crashes into one transformer all over the village, depriving everyone of the only consolation - to watch the next season of the Ukraine May Talents show.
However, to go and tell him the good news of enrollment in the glorious European squad n ****** no one dared. Vaska had a cool temper, which was only aggravated by constant alcohol intoxication.
And then the accountant had insight in the form of insight. He smiled mysteriously, straightened his glasses, made a mysterious expression on his face, and coughed, drawing everyone’s attention. “Would you like to take a sho?”, Woman Nastya asked him suspiciously. But the accountant was not offended. In a mysterious voice, he said: "We have a same-sex family." There was an oppressive silence. All stupidly stuck in the subject. “Hto?”, Suddenly asked Semyonitch in a hoarse voice. The billmaster demanded time off, a tractor for plowing a kitchen garden and half a liter. “You will be killed, you still hang for me for the annual balance,” the chairman snapped, “speak.” According to the debit and credit worker, it turned out that grandfather Panas (well, the penultimate hut from the forest), who has been living for about twenty years together with a stray driver, who had forgotten during the voyage for the last twenty years, fully fits the high European standards. for fasting. The idea, oddly enough, was sound. The more the meeting participants delved into the details, the more convinced they were: yes, there is indeed a same-sex gay couple on their collective farm that fully fits the parameters required by the Presidential Administration: both are not married, live together in the same hut, lead a secretive lifestyle, and Panas name is Innokenty. It all fits. “It fits,” the chairman took a willful decision and rushed to inform grandfather Panas and his Innokentiy (known as Kesh) about the admission of the two of them to the vanguard of European gays.
Grandfather Panas was just sitting on a bench near the gate and thoughtfully looked at the stork. “I wonder if the eggs are in his feathers or is it a female?”, The grandfather mused, dragging on the rare for the present times Volna cigarette without a filter. He did not immediately notice the approaching chairman, since he had to take up the complex problem of the sexual identification of the birds. Semyonitch did not pull the cat by the balls and immediately raised the question with an edge: “Hey, Panas, will you ****** or what?”. The grandfather, squinting for some time, studied the chairman’s face, then played on a mobile phone in “mahjong” and finally clearly said: “I went to ***”.
However, Semyonitch was an experienced negotiator. After many hours of discussion, to which Innocent was periodically connected at various stages of intoxication, a consensus was reached: the passport details of his grandfather Panas and his partner were included in the “same-sex family” column for reporting. For this, the chairman exposes three bubbles of a kazenka, two bags of feed, and a cart of manure. “**** with you,” grandfather Panas summed up and continued his ornithological research. Semyonitch cheerfully reported to the area, unspeakably surprised the local leadership. A week later, they forgot about gays and European integration. As it turned out, nothing ...
The trouble came unexpectedly in the form of a solid yellow mail package. On the official letterhead decorated with the EU flag, it was reported that a few days ago a high commission from Brussels would come to the collective farm to monitor the situation with gay rights. The document stressed that the conclusions of the commission will be crucial on the eve of the summit in Vilnius on the signing of an association agreement between Ukraine and the EU. Semyonitch sat down. Blank fell out of his trembling hand. Baba Nastya picked up the paper, read it and asked: “Chairman, what is monitoring?”. "**** will, Nastya, ***** in all the cracks ...", said Semyonitch hopelessly.
The crisis group in the already familiar composition - the chairman, the bookkeeper, the milkmaid and the livestock specialist - gathered in the office building and booted until the morning. A statistical gay couple who was represented by one grandfather Panas was invited to the meeting. It was consumed nemeryanny brew and developed a specific plan for European integration. For three days, intensive training was conducted. When representatives of the European Commission, accompanied by activists of the LGBT community, experts on gender policy from the opposition, as well as the entire district authorities, arrived at the collective farm, they were personally greeted by bread and salt by the chairman. Flags of the European Union, Ukraine and the rainbow standard of sexual minorities hovering over the village council. Happy same-sex family stood a little distance. Grandfather Panas was dressed in chic riding breeches with a cutout on the ass (in one film, the animal technician saw real European n ****** s dress this way), polished kersey boots with adorable cow dung and a scarf on his naked body. Kesh wore tight jeans donated by the accountant’s nephew, thongs made from Nastya Baba’s leggings and a clothesline, as well as a Turkish leather jacket for the chairman. The officer's cap with a crown covered with sparkles completed the outfit. My grandfather Panas terribly froze naked ass, but he smiled bravely and wrapped Kesha in a hand with a hastily made manicure of a radically pink color. A little away, the entire rural population was crowding and discussing Panas’s blue ass. “Look, and the Chiryaks are purely in the shape of the Big Dipper's bucket,” Vaska the tractor driver, who himself almost became f ****** m, excelled. “So when will he fight Keshka? Before or after monitoring? ”, - discussed the actual topic of women.
The EU monitoring commission consisted of a woman with a sleek horse face and a short, round-faced little man wearing glasses with a gold rim. "Similarly, n ****** p", - decided the women and crossed in case just in case. Intourists jumped to a happy gay couple and began to bang something animatedly. The late TV crews from the “5 Channel” fell out of the minibus that arrived and began to fuss, adjusting the equipment and glancing at the first rural European’s frozen ass. Grandfather Panas cleared his throat, slightly spoiled the air from the tension and invited everyone to the gay hut: “Well, as he says, blah, nah house!”. The efforts of the community of the same-sex couple were painted in a cheerful blue color and painted with flowers, cheburashkas, and Cossacks from a well-known cartoon.
There was an inscription “FREE LAVE” on the fence. The flea-headed watchdog, who until recently regularly barked in the yard, was replaced by a shaved lap dog, depicting a glamorous toy terrier. Bolonka froze terribly, like the grandfather Panas ass. All a friendly string moved into the family nest. Kesha walked as if about a **** coming up, as the clothesline dug into his crotch, and the string triangle, made of leggings with a pile, hermetically sealed the eggs. However, a chubby European found this walk to be wildly sexual, which he reported through the translator Keshe. Everyone applauded. Directly on the veranda was a double bed, made of two armored beds. “Here, blah, our love nest, here we spend all our free time thinking about Ukraine’s membership in the EU,” Grandfather Panas stuttered out from memory.
- How did you meet? - the question of a lady with a horse face was transferred to Panas.
- Well, Duc, how ... there was a romantic meeting ... well, then I put him in ... well, love, in one word ...
- The power does not obstruct your free love? - Chubby asked.
Grandfather Panas, in search of support, looked at the chairman. He secretly showed him a fist.
- Yes, not ... we have Semyonitch, well, our director, the former party organizer, is good. Back in Soviet times, condoms helped to get, which are electronically tested, could always help with petroleum jelly, even gave fuel oil ...
- Mazut? - Europeans were amazed ...
Grandpa Panas realized that he was a little bit over the ******, and began to get out. According to him, it appeared that fuel oil is much more useful for this business, since it has a high elasticity. "On the eggs, in short, does not drip," he concluded hopelessly. The situation was saved by the boar Boris, who erupted in a heart-rending screech.
“Oh,” the monitor workers came to life, “do you like animals too? !!”
Grandfather Panas swallowed and turned pale. There was no face on the chairman. The same-sex family man leaned over Semenych’s ear and said in a tragic whisper: “I won’t be a pig!” The chairman appealed pleadingly at his grandfather. Panas sighed and said in a trembling voice: "Everything is like in Europe ... animals, so also, that ... we love."
Except that Kesh fell asleep right in the thong near the dildo, made of shafts polished with years, the meeting with the high commission was held at a decent level. Europeans have the most positive impressions of the life of sex minorities in the Zhytomyr region. Baba Nastya was inspired and admitted that in her youth she was a lesbian, but under the influence of totalitarian propaganda she abandoned this matter. The commission drove off in a pink SUV, and grandfather Panas sank down on the stool with a bare ass, but did not notice it. “Well, padlo, chairman, I’ll make you same-sex love, n ***** p European,” he thought, trying to light his trembling hands.
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