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Episode VIII of the New Year's fairy tale with a sequel
Part festive, humorous, kind, demobilization
"Day of Order:
the beautiful is far away, don't be cruel to me..."
Folk art
To all who served, who serve and who will serve - Happy Order Day!
the beautiful is far away, don't be cruel to me..."
Folk art
To all who served, who serve and who will serve - Happy Order Day!
For the Day of the Order, we began to prepare very much in advance ... Weeks 2–3 to 100 days before the order, the authorities collected future demobilizations and began to brainwash them on the topic “Well, God forbid you shave your head! Wow ... Our revenge will be terrible "... Then it was like in Krylov's fable: "And Vaska listens and eats." Naturally, everyone shaved their heads 100 days before the Order, of course, everyone received lyuli according to the full scheme - but what can you do ... Traditions - they are such traditions.
Starting to prepare in advance, up to 100 days before the Order, the demobilization album, epaulettes and aiguillettes was considered a bad omen... the most important in terms of the monetary equivalent of income per year, despite the fact that we all sat on self-financing ... For one "Demobilization emergency" it was possible to cut down more grandmas than in 2 years of service officially on your passbook!
Dossier on members of the cartel for the manufacture of demobilization accessories of my conscription from my unit
1. Blacksmith, aka Gypsy, aka Roma, aka Jeweler, aka Fix.
Born in a house 10 meters from the forge in Moldova, from settled gypsies. Hands forever in burnt labor corns. It so happened that when he was called up, the demobilized blacksmith had already resigned on a chord, and the forge was empty for a month.
The very next day, when we all went to the "Young Soldier's Courses", instead of courses, he was immediately sent to the forge to plow. The forge was filled with everything necessary, the only thing that he saw for the first time in his life was a mechanical hydraulic press, but in a few days he figured out the principle of operation using the “scientific poke method”. He cast "fixes" of such quality that any jeweler would hang himself with envy.
2. Painter - underground nickname Artist.
Repeated winner of all sorts of socialist competitions there in his vocational school, where he studied. He could paint anything with paints on iron. Forever colorful - even after a bath.
3. Tinsmith.
From the labor dynasty of tinsmiths. When the wife of the deputy head of the unit drove into the rear of the GAZ-53 at a red traffic light, the six formed an accordion. He pulled out the entire front of the muffin so that you can’t distinguish it from zero. To make numbers for cars for VAI was his direct responsibility. And also fill the numbers on everything where the numbers should have been. With iron, he could do everything that the customers had enough imagination for.
4. Welder.
Officially - gas electric welder. In a chamber under argon, he could solder anything to anything - even if it was basically impossible. Eternally watery eyes, always burying them in liquid for the eyes.
5. Seamstress-mechanic - you will laugh, but this is the official name, underground - Tanner.
From the age of 7 "on you" with leathers, needles, threads, fabrics. The commanders, both ours and friendly units, sheathed their general's UAZs, and not only, even "hоrny Volga ", only with him. He always stank of all sorts of acids and chemicals, his hands were always burned with sulfuric acid or something else.
6. Turner-milling operator, underground hysteria "Khokhol" - was born and raised in Kyiv.
Any detail that, well, at least theoretically could be machined on a machine, was made at 5 ++. From the age of 10 he went to the circle of children's and youth creativity of the local Kyiv House of Pioneers. Bespectacled. The face is forever in small burns from metal shavings.
7. Scribe - I have already talked about him.
Sketch number 1.
When Chapai from my Tale was told that in a week he would become a full lieutenant general, they immediately demanded an excellent photo from him to be placed in the combat list of the district and the newspapers of the units ... And he did not find anything better than to join our unit with already with a new tunic with new epaulettes (although no one saw this - his adjutant carried something in a bag tightly closed) - so that our Scribe of the unit (he is also an artist, he is also a photographer, he is also the editor of the battle sheet our part), because he did not trust the photographer at the headquarters of the district, where he actually served.
He came to our unit, went to the headquarters, where they poured him a cup of tea... The duty officer at the headquarters rushed off to look for the Pisar... Chapai for 5 whole minutes (according to rumors) favorably pretended to listen to the report of the unit commander on the work done... Then something like this happened...
“Listen, Colonel! Not up to you now! Go ahead and speed up the search for the Scribe...
...The clerk was found about an hour later... But! Miracle! The headquarters remained in place ... and everyone had stars too ... And then there were the torments of creativity ...
Chapay (underground disguised in the Pisar's office):
- We need to take a solemn photo!
For about half an hour or an hour, plus or minus, the Scribe tried to take a festive photo ... But it turned out - mourning ... In the end, he spat on decency and asked a question:
- Comrade General-ma ... lieutenant! Do you know what kind of clique you have?!
- Well, "Chapai" ...
– Do you know that everyone pronounces “Chapai” with a capital letter and with aspiration?!
Here Chapai involuntarily stopped knitting his brows and involuntarily began to smile like... Click! Taken!
...So this photo came out everywhere... We couldn't believe our eyes that Chapai could at least pretend to smile. The photo was great! After this photo, orders from Pisar for photos for demobilization albums were scheduled, well, literally by the minute for 100+ years ahead!
The festive part of the Tale on May 9 will be devoted mostly to Chapai - consider Zhukov-2 at that time and in those conditions! I will of course change the course a bit stories - but within reason. If he were alive now, he would really become the new Marshal of Victory ...
When Chapai from my Tale was told that in a week he would become a full lieutenant general, they immediately demanded an excellent photo from him to be placed in the combat list of the district and the newspapers of the units ... And he did not find anything better than to join our unit with already with a new tunic with new epaulettes (although no one saw this - his adjutant carried something in a bag tightly closed) - so that our Scribe of the unit (he is also an artist, he is also a photographer, he is also the editor of the battle sheet our part), because he did not trust the photographer at the headquarters of the district, where he actually served.
He came to our unit, went to the headquarters, where they poured him a cup of tea... The duty officer at the headquarters rushed off to look for the Pisar... Chapai for 5 whole minutes (according to rumors) favorably pretended to listen to the report of the unit commander on the work done... Then something like this happened...
“Listen, Colonel! Not up to you now! Go ahead and speed up the search for the Scribe...
...The clerk was found about an hour later... But! Miracle! The headquarters remained in place ... and everyone had stars too ... And then there were the torments of creativity ...
Chapay (underground disguised in the Pisar's office):
- We need to take a solemn photo!
For about half an hour or an hour, plus or minus, the Scribe tried to take a festive photo ... But it turned out - mourning ... In the end, he spat on decency and asked a question:
- Comrade General-ma ... lieutenant! Do you know what kind of clique you have?!
- Well, "Chapai" ...
– Do you know that everyone pronounces “Chapai” with a capital letter and with aspiration?!
Here Chapai involuntarily stopped knitting his brows and involuntarily began to smile like... Click! Taken!
...So this photo came out everywhere... We couldn't believe our eyes that Chapai could at least pretend to smile. The photo was great! After this photo, orders from Pisar for photos for demobilization albums were scheduled, well, literally by the minute for 100+ years ahead!
The festive part of the Tale on May 9 will be devoted mostly to Chapai - consider Zhukov-2 at that time and in those conditions! I will of course change the course a bit stories - but within reason. If he were alive now, he would really become the new Marshal of Victory ...
8. The auto electrician is me.
Sketch number 2.
Although we were all boys of 18 years old - not everyone was called up right from school - read the details in the very first part of the Good New Year's fairy tale with a sequel!
At the age of 14, the author soldered his first heterodyne receiver, at the age of 16 he wrote his first program on the MK-61 programmable calculator, by the age of 17 he had honestly studied for a whole year at paid radioteletechnical courses (a gift from my beloved uncle for my 16th birthday, in the sense - payment courses at the expense of my uncle) and honestly passed all the exams for 5!
My student was the son of an electrician; What for others was from the series “this cannot be, because it can never be”, for Petya it was “this is so elementary, well, what can be incomprehensible here ?! Spit once!”
Oil painting Repin...
The first working day of my student... I give him the most elementary task:
- The Talmud on ZILka electrics is here. The Talmud on the electrics of KamAZ is here. Study, I went to make a work order - I'll be back in an hour, make scrambled eggs with sausages: sausages are here, eggs are here, a self-made electric stove with two burners - here it is. Is the assignment clear? When it's ready - look for me there and there - I'll wallow in a ditch under the car, look for me there ...
... And he went to work ... Less than an hour later, the desk officer on duty found me with approximately the following words:
Get up, you've been killed.
– What are you?! To death?
Although we were all boys of 18 years old - not everyone was called up right from school - read the details in the very first part of the Good New Year's fairy tale with a sequel!
At the age of 14, the author soldered his first heterodyne receiver, at the age of 16 he wrote his first program on the MK-61 programmable calculator, by the age of 17 he had honestly studied for a whole year at paid radioteletechnical courses (a gift from my beloved uncle for my 16th birthday, in the sense - payment courses at the expense of my uncle) and honestly passed all the exams for 5!
My student was the son of an electrician; What for others was from the series “this cannot be, because it can never be”, for Petya it was “this is so elementary, well, what can be incomprehensible here ?! Spit once!”
Oil painting Repin...
The first working day of my student... I give him the most elementary task:
- The Talmud on ZILka electrics is here. The Talmud on the electrics of KamAZ is here. Study, I went to make a work order - I'll be back in an hour, make scrambled eggs with sausages: sausages are here, eggs are here, a self-made electric stove with two burners - here it is. Is the assignment clear? When it's ready - look for me there and there - I'll wallow in a ditch under the car, look for me there ...
... And he went to work ... Less than an hour later, the desk officer on duty found me with approximately the following words:
Get up, you've been killed.
– What are you?! To death?
In short: he generously poured sunflower oil into a homemade frying pan, the power of the heating element was full, the oil boiled and splashed out, flared up, a fire started, while he put it out - through the open window in our closet "the smoke stood like a rocker", and I probably spent an hour , two ++ consistently received lyuli "for all the good" from:
- head of the ARM,
- head of the repair box,
- company commander
- company deputy,
- Responsible for fire safety
... When everything calmed down, and we were late for lunch to buy chips, I asked him:
“Well, can you at least make some tea?” Spare heater is here! I'll be there in 15 minutes - I have to finish the work ...
I come in half an hour - in our half of boxing the sport is over: “That's it, there will be no kin. The electricity is out."
He filled the kettle up to the stop, put it on the stove, the water, when it boiled, poured out onto the heating element, a short circuit, and since instead of plugs in our closet, my teacher also stuck hundreds of nails, he cut down half a box.
...Ah, what a speech I made! 10 minutes - I still remember! If briefly and without a mat, about my choice of Petya as a student, it was something like this: “Damn the day when I sat down at the steering wheel of this vacuum cleaner ...”
- head of the ARM,
- head of the repair box,
- company commander
- company deputy,
- Responsible for fire safety
... When everything calmed down, and we were late for lunch to buy chips, I asked him:
“Well, can you at least make some tea?” Spare heater is here! I'll be there in 15 minutes - I have to finish the work ...
I come in half an hour - in our half of boxing the sport is over: “That's it, there will be no kin. The electricity is out."
He filled the kettle up to the stop, put it on the stove, the water, when it boiled, poured out onto the heating element, a short circuit, and since instead of plugs in our closet, my teacher also stuck hundreds of nails, he cut down half a box.
...Ah, what a speech I made! 10 minutes - I still remember! If briefly and without a mat, about my choice of Petya as a student, it was something like this: “Damn the day when I sat down at the steering wheel of this vacuum cleaner ...”
... He humbly listened to my speech ... And then he himself expressed everything that he thinks about today ... Well, he was a rookie then, I pulled him out as my student, he didn’t even pass the course of a young fighter. And he did not yet know what "respect for rank in the Army" means!
***
A sketch within a sketch...
When, after lunch, the new ones weren’t even greenhorns yet - but “civilian” boys were delivered to our unit - each of the already “repeated” ones began to look for students ... After a cursory “express analysis”, I chose Petya ...
And on the same day, he turned to the company commander with a proposal - why should my student “beat the buckets” in the courses of a young soldier - let him go to work right now tomorrow, and I myself, personally, will tell him about the “hardships and hardships of military service”, and he will memorize the text of the oath under my control and will not disgrace the honor of our company on the Oath! Well, the “plan for the shaft” on the AWP burned very strongly, and I just physically couldn’t cope alone ...
To which the company commander said, but that in principle he was not opposed, but let the deputy head of the unit make the decision, and yes ... He, of course, is mentally with me - but everything else is at my own peril and risk.
The next day, in the morning, I caught the deputy head of the unit ... They gave me a turn from the gate ... But I impudently said:
- Comrade Lieutenant Colonel! Allow me to report! There has never been an electrician to the “shakha” (VAZ-2106) on our AWP, and never will be! Can I be free?
- Under your responsibility! Personally, three skins... no, I'll let ten skins down! If anything goes wrong!
...That's how on the third day of service in the Army, Petya turned out to be a student of an auto electrician.
***
... I was psychologically exhausted and said: if you don't put everything in order tomorrow, you will go to the "young fighter's course" - and I will find myself a new student. The next evening, in the evening, my student made two (!) Zero heaters for the burners - it’s a pleasure to see, he went through the electrician 220+ volts both in our closet and in the repair box ...
...Then "made by Petya" I then sold for a gold piece! And the line of those wishing to buy was endless. Both soldiers and civilian carriers wanted to buy, and I told them: “In line! In queue!"
For "first you have to pay your debt to the service - and then engage in fun."
... And after the incident when Petya in a chip, out of his absent-mindedness, bought me crackers with sugar instead of gingerbread, I didn’t send him to the store again! So there were and served two unique ones - Dembel served Salaga - because I still cannot forgive what Petya (already now, of course, Peter) did with dumplings! It was easier to throw the food in the trash than to let him touch the stove! I then whole squirmed for two hours to earn left money - and he flushed everything down the toilet in 5 minutes!
9. Merchant.
An Azerbaijanian, a mechanic from God with an ear for music - listens to the engine running for a minute - and immediately gives troubleshooting!
When they were drafted into the Army, there was no boom-boom in Russian. Muscovites taught him Russian. So he spoke withаskovskiy" accent. The first main person when placing an order.
Sketch number 3.
It roughly looked like this...
Customer:
– I want such and such a demo album...
Dealer:
- No, you ask ... 200 rubles.
Customer:
- Are you crazy?!
Dealer:
- Listen, huh? Mine doesn't understand yours! 400 rubles!
Customer:
- Yes, I'll strangle you right now with my own hands!
Dealer:
- 600 rubles or roll sausage along Malaya Spasskaya! ..
The customer begins to pour red paint and is about to start self-mutilation ...
Voice from the demobilization queue:
- You, come on, that - do not delay the queue! If you don't like it, get out of here!
Customer:
- I agree to 400 ...
Dealer:
- 500 and deal? ..
It roughly looked like this...
Customer:
– I want such and such a demo album...
Dealer:
- No, you ask ... 200 rubles.
Customer:
- Are you crazy?!
Dealer:
- Listen, huh? Mine doesn't understand yours! 400 rubles!
Customer:
- Yes, I'll strangle you right now with my own hands!
Dealer:
- 600 rubles or roll sausage along Malaya Spasskaya! ..
The customer begins to pour red paint and is about to start self-mutilation ...
Voice from the demobilization queue:
- You, come on, that - do not delay the queue! If you don't like it, get out of here!
Customer:
- I agree to 400 ...
Dealer:
- 500 and deal? ..
10. Security Service - Chechen, deputy guard of the Armed Forces from hereditary freestyle wrestlers from sports. Underground nickname - Wardrobe, a boy two meters tall under 120+ kg of some muscles.
Sketch number 4.
Although he didn’t deserve much success in the sports field, he tied the “hundred” nails into a knot in a light one. On a bet, I even tied a meter-long crowbar from the KAMAZ spare parts kit into a knot ...
Actually, the entire security of the AWP rested on his reputation: he periodically caught “robbers of socialist property” at night, and therefore only suicides could try to steal from us, which, however, sometimes happened when neighboring units urgently needed a KamAZ starter “by morning get it wherever you want." At minus 25 in a blizzard they climbed into our place - an ensign and two soldiers, the Cabinet ran out of the checkpoint for a purely small need to do it and stumbled upon them ...
He took everyone for shkirman - and even drove their KamAZ himself out of the gate to us, on which they came to us to rob us at night. For this, his superiors suffered - because, in addition to phenomenal luck in catching thieves, he was also distinguished by phenomenal love of love - only according to rumors, he quadrangled with 5 girls at once ... But these were rumors ... Personally, I'm sure - there were 10 immediately he had at least: they stuck to him like bees to honey.
When the Closet caught the robbers from the neighboring part, they were treated “divinely”: they brought us a whole KamAZ of spare parts, they hushed up the matter. The closet remained a sergeant (and just a week before that, they wanted to demote him to the rank of private for flying “on hikes in girls”) - and they even carried out verbal thanks before the ranks ...
But things continued...
The ensign with two soldiers “fell in love and dried up” in their unit according to the full scheme, and it was so transparently hinted that the order “by tomorrow morning to draw a starter for KamAZ by all means” has not been canceled ... They honestly conducted reconnaissance on the ground , found a hole in the security of the AWP around the perimeter, and again came to rob us ... Only they didn’t take into account one nuance - a hundred meters from the real hole in the fence there was a “closet” of the guards ... And that night the Cabinet with two girls was lit there. .. And he was not in the service ... Then, as usual - "little need", behind the shkirman and into the closet, KamAZ to the territory of the Armed Forces ...
The leadership of the robber unit was completely changed, the Cabinet was given the rank of senior sergeant, they were given a cash bonus and even gave 10 days of vacation "for merits in the protection of socialist property" ...
Only he didn’t go on vacation ... When, to celebrate, he told his parents on the phone that he would soon come on vacation, his parents also made him happy that he had to combine business with pleasure, that he had found a wife, and they would combine all this: vacation and wedding .
...Three days later Wardrobe repulsed the left telegram home with approximately the following content, the postman sent the unit through connections: "I fell ill with pneumonia, I can't come to the hospital."
And for a whole year he enjoyed the life of a bachelor.
Although he didn’t deserve much success in the sports field, he tied the “hundred” nails into a knot in a light one. On a bet, I even tied a meter-long crowbar from the KAMAZ spare parts kit into a knot ...
Actually, the entire security of the AWP rested on his reputation: he periodically caught “robbers of socialist property” at night, and therefore only suicides could try to steal from us, which, however, sometimes happened when neighboring units urgently needed a KamAZ starter “by morning get it wherever you want." At minus 25 in a blizzard they climbed into our place - an ensign and two soldiers, the Cabinet ran out of the checkpoint for a purely small need to do it and stumbled upon them ...
He took everyone for shkirman - and even drove their KamAZ himself out of the gate to us, on which they came to us to rob us at night. For this, his superiors suffered - because, in addition to phenomenal luck in catching thieves, he was also distinguished by phenomenal love of love - only according to rumors, he quadrangled with 5 girls at once ... But these were rumors ... Personally, I'm sure - there were 10 immediately he had at least: they stuck to him like bees to honey.
When the Closet caught the robbers from the neighboring part, they were treated “divinely”: they brought us a whole KamAZ of spare parts, they hushed up the matter. The closet remained a sergeant (and just a week before that, they wanted to demote him to the rank of private for flying “on hikes in girls”) - and they even carried out verbal thanks before the ranks ...
But things continued...
The ensign with two soldiers “fell in love and dried up” in their unit according to the full scheme, and it was so transparently hinted that the order “by tomorrow morning to draw a starter for KamAZ by all means” has not been canceled ... They honestly conducted reconnaissance on the ground , found a hole in the security of the AWP around the perimeter, and again came to rob us ... Only they didn’t take into account one nuance - a hundred meters from the real hole in the fence there was a “closet” of the guards ... And that night the Cabinet with two girls was lit there. .. And he was not in the service ... Then, as usual - "little need", behind the shkirman and into the closet, KamAZ to the territory of the Armed Forces ...
The leadership of the robber unit was completely changed, the Cabinet was given the rank of senior sergeant, they were given a cash bonus and even gave 10 days of vacation "for merits in the protection of socialist property" ...
Only he didn’t go on vacation ... When, to celebrate, he told his parents on the phone that he would soon come on vacation, his parents also made him happy that he had to combine business with pleasure, that he had found a wife, and they would combine all this: vacation and wedding .
...Three days later Wardrobe repulsed the left telegram home with approximately the following content, the postman sent the unit through connections: "I fell ill with pneumonia, I can't come to the hospital."
And for a whole year he enjoyed the life of a bachelor.
Selection committee
The "reception committee" for orders for demobilized accessories usually consisted of three people:
- The clerk carefully delved into the needs of the customer and at the same time promoted him to “faster, higher, stronger” (Olympic motto).
- The merchant negotiated exorbitant prices for our services.
- The closet provided a 100% guarantee of payment for the order upon the fact - because the prepayment was standard: only one hundred rubles, and orders could cost a thousand. Well, I took with me to the “admission committee” about a dozen nails, “hundredths”, and in especially tense disputes about the prices for our services, silently defiantly tied a couple of nails into a knot in order to support our Merchant and avoid self-mutilation in advance.
And once again - to make it clear to the end ... No one forced demobilizations to order albums, epaulettes and aiguillettes from us ... They themselves came to us in a stream! And they were in line! But since we have done our part of the deal, then “get it and sign it”: in vain, perhaps, more than 25 people (taking into account the students of each) did not sleep at night, worked on weekends ?! And - on credit!
Album
I have seen many different demobilization albums - but I will tell about ours, which we put on stream together ...
On the surface, this is something like a modern photo album - but as in that joke about “there is a nuance” ...
First, about the looks...
A4++ format... The cover looks like a soldier's winter overcoat... On the cover there is an emblem (chevron) of an autobattalion, construction battalion, railway troops, missilemen al there BB - depending on which type of troops the order came to us from. Gilded, and - pure gold. If there is for corporals, sergeants or foremen (soldiers) - below is a real epaulette with little stripes, also covered with gold.
You open the album - the first page with the text of the Order (cut out with a blade from the newspaper). Each sheet inside looks like leather, stitched on both sides with gold thread. On the second and following pages there are pictures with a brief description of what is in the pictures. If the customer was completely poor, then the inscriptions from type-setting letters made of copper (after processing with GOI paste). If there was even a penny in your pocket, then the same typesetting letters, but already silver plated. Well, if the demobilization is "rich Pinocchio" - then they are gilded. Accordingly, the beggar - the pictures are ordinary b / w (glossy, however), the poor man - then the b / w embossed, and they did color for cool people.
“This miracle of nature” weighed at least five kilograms. Now I'll tell you why...
The top and bottom of the album were cut down by the Smith on a press from a single duralumin sheet (at birth, about a meter and a half).
The inner pages were made from a thin sheet of copper, also by cutting out from solid sheets - but the Tinsmith did it.
The top was slightly shorter in length so that the album could be opened.
The tanner trimmed the top and bottom with pieces of a zero winter soldier's overcoat. Pieces of copper were sheathed with dermantine (leatherette) and sheathed along the edges with thin gilded copper wire, the gilding of the thread was done by the Auto Electrician.
On each page of the album there was one large photo - and under it letters were pasted.
All the sheets of the album were drilled by the turner in two places at the top left and bottom, and he himself sharpened, how to put it correctly - bolts with nuts - the top is semicircular at the top and bottom.
On this semicircular top and bottom, either coins of 5 kopecks were pinned. semi-concave for orphans and poor customers, or Olympic rubles: 4 pcs. (100 rubles for 4 pieces) - the work of the Blacksmith. If there were five kopecks, they either played with GOI paste, or gilded the Auto Electrician.
In a sense, the Blacksmith beautifully made them semi-concave - and the Welder welded them. Well, you understand, if you spoil only blanks from 4 Olympic rubles - the Welder bought new 4 rubles at his own expense - but in the end it looked like a masterpiece!
In general, the album looked like a feast for the eyes!
"Don't shoot the pianist - he plays the best he can"
This is how the cover of the demobilization album in our performance looked approximately - an average version:
This is what the pages of the demobilization album looked like with photos and inscriptions under them:
We made self-made epaulettes and aiguillettes of this quality - stitched with gold thread - I think that all marshals and field marshals from past centuries would die of envy if they saw ...
To all who served, who serve and will serve, Happy Order Day!
For this, I bow out for 5 days - until the next part of the "Tale".