Military Review

"Now you're in the Army"

47
"Now you're in the Army"

This fabulous New Year's история with continuations took place a long time ago in one already fabulous country, at a time when the “king, god and military commander” suddenly decided to disarm. Under cameras and in the presence of "partners". And on the other hand, for each “officially destroyed” base of the Strategic Missile Forces at the same time, two were built underground in extra-turbo mode.


All the characters, times and places of the "swamps, women of easy virtue and military units" are fictional. The author is not responsible for anything, these are just his senile senile memories.

Once a hero landed in front of his own residence on a flying carpet made of tiger skin. under camera flashes. Immediately followed by a "headfall" of high bosses with big stars on shoulder straps. And a strategic decision was made to call everyone into the ranks of the Army - from students of strategic universities (who were not even drafted into the Great Patriotic War) to youngsters, who, instead of being transferred upon reaching the age of 18, were sent not to the “adult zone”, but “to redeem with blood” in the construction battalion.

The author had a compression fracture of the spine, so they nevertheless decided that he was not worthy to be in the ranks of the active Army and sent him to serve in non-combatant troops. The author, as a true patriot of his Motherland, “since the party said: must! Komsomol replied: Yes! Passed the session. I handed over my passport to the military registration and enlistment office. And ended up at the collection point for recruits.

There, 24/7, the slogans “The socialist fatherland is in danger” (Lenin) were interspersed on broadcast points. “Everything for the front, everything for victory” (Stalin). With patriotic songs in a circle. In a day and a half, the author learned almost by heart the main hit of the recruit:


Selection


And they bought us into our future military unit in a very original way.

Usually like: once every half an hour a command is heard over the loudspeaker: "All newcomers gather in the assembly hall." Then the “merchant” comes out with a pile of personal files:

- You, you and here you are behind me, the rest are free.

Rank from senior lieutenant to lieutenant colonel inclusive.

We gathered in a discordant crowd of about 300 people. In front of us is just a senior ensign with 3 sergeants and a private.

Senior warrant officer (later one of the most beloved and respected officers and warrant officers of our company and unit):

- Who at least once in their life opened the hood of a car and saw the engine live? Two steps forward!

50 people came out.

- Senior Sergeant Ivanov, sort it out! (They took 30 people into the unit, the sergeant rejected the rest by express interview).

- Who knows how to make pilaf and barbecue? Two steps forward!

7 people came out.

- Private Mukhamedzinov, figure it out! (Took in part 2 people).

Who knows how to slaughter a pig? Two steps forward!

3 people came out.

- Sergeant Sidorov, sort it out! (The part took 1 person).

– Who has ever been in a forge and knows what a crucible is?

Our gypsy came out.

- How can you prove it?

The gypsy shows his burnt labor calluses.

- Accepted!

I'm asking just in case. Who knows the difference between a thyristor and a transistor?

The author failed in a single copy.

- How can you prove it?

The author holds out a certificate that he is a student at the department of the Institute of Computer Production and a diploma of a radio and television technician of the 4th category.

- Accepted! The rest are free!

Upon arrival at the unit, during the period when we, the recruits, were passing the “young soldier course”, everyone was once again given an exam in our autobat, and another 5 people were transferred to the construction battalion.

The author’s examination on his programming knowledge was taken by the chief computer officer in our unit (senior sergeant) (yes, the old one, yes, on lamps and punched cards. But she regularly counted the outfits and where to whom how much to bring concrete in cars and cubic meters on the ZIL-130) .

The chief said that, of course, I would be a worthy replacement for him! But the bullshit is that he already has a replacement - his "lands" - and he doesn't need me for nothing.

But he gave me a recommendation that I ideally I approached the role of a replacement for the main auto electrician of the unit (for a moment, the unit served only 200 dump trucks from soldier-drivers and somewhere else the same number of civilians), and seduced me with the idea that I would be like God’s in my bosom and ride like cheese in oil (machine).

Reality (later), as always, turned out to be fifty-fifty. There were times when the author sucked the last sweet lollipop without salt on a stick (7 kopecks apiece in our chip). But there were also times when "they lived poorly, there was no bread, they had to spread black caviar directly on the butter."

official income


Oh yes. At that time, in that fabulous country, everything that was possible was transferred (as an experiment) to self-financing. And even what is impossible (including non-combatant troops).

Yes, 7 rubles. 60 kop. take out and put down a soldier in a month. Well, then there was a summing up of a loan with a debit. After you paid your civic debt to the Motherland, there was an entry in the passbook. There could be from minus 1 rubles (“raider pilots”) up to plus 3 rubles (“for the leaders of socialist emulation”).

So the soldiers lived and lived in that fabulous country at that fabulous time. 2 rub. 40 kop. per day by working days was my salary. 22 yes multiplied by 2,40, yes per month - but from this you must subtract 7,60 and the expenses of the fairy-tale country for my maintenance. 36 rubles per month. If you are not in outfits every other day, then 10-12 rubles per month "cleandripped on my passbook.

But this is me official income.

Easily and without compulsion I could work for days (really, it doesn’t even work, but “plow» for only 2,40 rubles per day without any additional payments - if it was necessary for the Motherland. This is a minus.

But just as easily and naturally, I could “beat pears” for days for 2,40 rubles a day without any additional payments in our AWP (car repair shop) - if I needed it. And this is a plus.

In general, plus times minus equals.

And as for leftist income ...


A civilian driver comes up to you with an order. Change the turn signal bulb. You poke him in the nose with a queue of your outfit orders (scheduled a month ahead).

And he is on the job. He has no time to wait. He could earn 1 rubles in a month if he was not lazy (000-120 rubles a month was then considered the average salary in that fairy-tale country). Moreover, officially in our warehouse these turn signal bulbs ended in the last five years. And they will arrive (if they arrive) - only the next.

Just 1 ruble plus a pack of Prima, and in 15 minutes the happy owner of the light bulb (and the check before leaving the AWP was strict, from medical examinations of drivers to a cursory inspection of cars) waves at you. You light a cigarette with pleasure. Before going to the chipok for halva and gingerbread. And you also wave to him.

That was the preface.

If the esteemed administration of the site, no less esteemed authors and commentators wish to hear how the "Adventures of Electronics in the Army" actually took place in the construction this shield of the Motherland - I am ready to entertain the audience all the long New Year holidays.

PS


The author asks him not to criticize too much for his style of presentation. In the presence of a silver medal in high school, I confess honestly: 4 in the Russian language and literature was "for a big pull." And so - a solid 3 plus. Well, techie author, techie... to the bone.

Happy New Year, everyone!
Author:
47 comments
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  1. Vladimir Vladimirovich Vorontsov
    Vladimir Vladimirovich Vorontsov 31 December 2022 04: 06
    +10
    ***
    Like the winds from the mountains
    They trumpet the soldier.
    The road is far from the threshold.
    And, dropping the handkerchief,
    So that no one sees
    A tear was wiped away by a girl's hand.

    Don't cry girl
    The rains will pass
    The soldier will return
    You just wait!
    Albeit far away
    Your faithful friend
    Love in the world
    Stronger separation! ...
    ***
    1. Virus-free crown
      31 December 2022 04: 33
      +11
      Quote: Vladimir Vladimirovich Vorontsov
      ***
      Like the winds from the mountains
      They trumpet the soldier.
      The road is far from the threshold.
      And, dropping the handkerchief,
      So that no one sees
      A tear was wiped away by a girl's hand.

      Don't cry girl
      The rains will pass
      The soldier will return
      You just wait!
      Albeit far away
      Your faithful friend
      Love in the world
      Stronger separation! ...
      ***

      A soldier has a day off, buttons in a row,
      Brighter than a sunny day in gold.
      The sentries on duty, in the city spring,
      Escort us to the gate, comrade foreman, comrade foreman!

      A soldier walks through the city, along an unfamiliar street,
      And from the girlish smiles the whole street is bright.
      Do not be offended, girls, but for a soldier - the main thing
      So that his distant, beloved waits ...


      This is a figurative comparison of buttons with gold in the song laughing
      ... But in fact, in that fabulous country in that fabulous time in that fabulous part - there would be a desire - not only buttons would shine with gold, but even demobilization sergeant's stripes bully Not to mention the epaulettes and the demobilization album))))))))))
      1. Queen_Annes_Revenge
        Queen_Annes_Revenge 31 December 2022 05: 22
        +12
        Hello sky in the clouds!
        Hello youth in boots!
        Lose my sadness
        Here I am - hello troops!
        Thank you for the pleasant memories of youth, all the best!
      2. ch28k38
        ch28k38 2 January 2023 01: 33
        +6
        And I still found those fabulously blessed times when there were no demobilization albums, and they were fired into the reserve in normal full dress without subsequent perversions, because after three years of service there was no desire to further assert themselves.
        1. Virus-free crown
          2 January 2023 05: 10
          +4
          Quote: ch28k38
          And I still found those fabulously blessed times when there were no demobilization albums, and they were fired into the reserve in normal dress uniform without subsequent perversions, because after three years of service there was no desire to further assert oneself.

          As they say, there are no comrades for taste and color hi
          Personally, I also resigned from the unit in a normal zero parade without perversions and without a demobilization album and drove to the train from the unit in it - and now a "civil" came out of the train (after changing clothes) in a washed-out denim suit with fashionable mirror glasses "Montana") ))))))))))))))
  2. Asad
    Asad 31 December 2022 04: 26
    +16
    We look forward to continuing, the style is light, ironic. Deserved plus.
    1. Virus-free crown
      31 December 2022 04: 35
      +18
      drinks
      The second part is being moderated... The third is being written in the intervals between making the festive Olivier salad hi
      1. Van 16
        Van 16 31 December 2022 05: 09
        +10
        Olivier is our FSE)) where would we be without him. But for some reason we always called it "winter salad"
        The article is really easy to read. Holiday greetings!
        1. Virus-free crown
          31 December 2022 05: 14
          +12
          Quote: Van 16
          Olivier is our FSE)) where would we be without him. But for some reason we always called it "winter salad"
          The article is really easy to read. Happy New Year!

          And you "to the same in the same place" (c) good drinks
          1. Aleksey7777777
            Aleksey7777777 31 December 2022 05: 35
            +15
            Thanks for the interesting story! I remembered my own, there was also a time, we were young too ... Happy New Year to the people of the Military Review - good luck and health to everyone!
  3. Bingo
    Bingo 31 December 2022 06: 55
    +10
    Well, everything is more interesting than the fairy tales of Brother Grimm from non-science fiction about a machine gun with a turbine in the butt. It happens here, so the author - categorically continue!
    PC: otherwise everyone will soon know where the arrow is on the oscilloscope, like one curly with radio Lo ///
    1. Virus-free crown
      31 December 2022 07: 00
      +7
      Quote from Bingo
      Well, everything is more interesting than the fairy tales of Brother Grimm from non-science fiction about a machine gun with a turbine in the butt. It happens here so the author - categorically continue!
      PC: otherwise everyone will soon know where the arrow is on the oscilloscope, like one curly with radio Lo ///

      smiley = obey and obey
      bully drinks
    2. Mazunga
      Mazunga 1 January 2023 14: 08
      +3
      the needle of the oscilloscope rushes about, falling with a swift jack from the buzzing scaffolding))) the old man Romualdych sniffed his footcloth and already bewitched
  4. antiaircrafter
    antiaircrafter 31 December 2022 09: 07
    +5
    Afftar, if
    ready to entertain the audience all the long New Year holidays.
    then walk escho!
  5. Yura
    Yura 31 December 2022 10: 12
    +3
    It was a small vent))). Write The author, write necessarily.
  6. aglet
    aglet 31 December 2022 10: 23
    +4
    "Only 1 ruble plus a pack of Prima, and in 15 minutes the happy owner of a light bulb"
    this is how the Khodorkovskys, Abramovichs and other Vekselbergs started. theft of light bulbs from a warehouse for the purpose of enrichment, blackmail with a ruble, etc. where did the special department look?
    1. Virus-free crown
      31 December 2022 11: 45
      +5
      Quote: aglet
      this is how the Khodorkovskys, Abramovichs and other Vekselbergs started. light bulb theft for the purpose of enrichment, blackmail with the ruble, etc. where did the special department look?

      Well, even if there were and were available light bulbs in the crease - yeah, that's how I would go and steal it, shazz laughing lol The storekeeper would have strangled himself - but would not have given out ... voluntarily ... only through his corpse bully

      Well, what about demobilization agletov, stitched with gold thread, there will be a separate article wassat good drinks
      1. aglet
        aglet 1 January 2023 10: 43
        +2
        "Well, even if there were and were available bulbs in the warehouse"
        where did you get them from? plundered together with the storekeeper? organized criminal group by prior conspiracy
        1. Virus-free crown
          1 January 2023 14: 19
          +3
          Quote: aglet
          "Well, even if there were and were available bulbs in the warehouse"
          where did you get them from? plundered together with the storekeeper? organized crime group

          Wow!!! Exactly!!! Only "without prior" collusion))) In those days, "His Highness Barter" "ruled the ball" ... There was a call from the very top ... in an hour, relatively speaking, a box of light bulbs would arrive ... a box of batteries should be replaced .. and spin as you like, but so that in an hour the conditional box of batteries would leave the unit))))))))))))))))))))))))))
  7. Shiva83483
    Shiva83483 31 December 2022 10: 24
    +6
    Write another author ... I was already carried into nostalgia .... oh urgent service .... soldier soldier
  8. Fangaro
    Fangaro 31 December 2022 11: 28
    +5
    Quote: Crown without virus
    drinks
    The second part is being moderated... The third is being written in the intervals between making the festive Olivier salad hi


    Thank you!
    Easy to read. If you can, continue.
    Happy New Year to you and everyone who is present at VO!
  9. Aviator_
    Aviator_ 31 December 2022 12: 16
    +5
    Quite a decent presentation. The author, in vain, you are puffed up, with the Russian language and style of presentation, you are quite worthy of it. I look forward to continuing, autra - respect!
  10. cpls22
    cpls22 31 December 2022 13: 37
    +5
    Good material, and even not only because of the described realities, but also the transmitted attitude towards them.
    We decayed without feeling the danger of it. It seemed that a solution to the problems was found that suits everyone. And they had no idea that when this decision replaces the entire system, it will mutate into a monster.
    I look forward to continuing.
  11. Ilgizl
    Ilgizl 31 December 2022 14: 30
    +3
    And you put your works on the author of the day as one comrade about Ukroshumer fairy tales, etc. also monetize your work.
    1. Virus-free crown
      31 December 2022 15: 14
      +8
      Quote: IlgizL
      And you put your works on the author of the day as one comrade about Ukroshumer fairy tales, etc. also monetize your work.

      The author does not sprinkle his opuses for the sake of fame and profit ... There is too much negativity now ... but today the new year will come ... I want to contribute to creating a festive mood ... and the New Year's Tale is like the very thing good drinks
  12. Gvardeetz77
    Gvardeetz77 31 December 2022 23: 01
    +4
    "I demand the continuation of the banquet!" © :)
    1. Virus-free crown
      31 December 2022 23: 38
      +2
      Quote: Gvardeetz77
      "I demand the continuation of the banquet!" © :)

      I join !!! drinks
      Contributing Editor - Happy New Year again! drinks
  13. Mazunga
    Mazunga 1 January 2023 14: 04
    +2
    norms)))) let the treasury around the world beautiful who without sin you yourself know the continuation)) but in general there was a good Mouzon on this topic just in the suit of the noggano)) who in the subject will appreciate the masterpiece comrades
  14. sedoj
    sedoj 1 January 2023 14: 09
    +3
    Well, that's what I wanted to say. Even sending me to the Army, my stepfather admonished: "Remember, Yuri. When the ass gets hot, the head should work creatively." Yes, and Soviet education developed the ability to think outside the box. So two years of service in motorized rifles left the most cheerful impressions in my life. True, it was at a completely different time and in a different country. It's a pity. Author, please continue. good
  15. Pushkar
    Pushkar 1 January 2023 15: 16
    -1
    The usual demobilization stories about how he is so smart (a silver medal, albeit "for a big pull"), "ruled the service" under the leadership of stupid officers and ensigns in the dumbest of the armies of the dumbest country. Not tired?
    1. Virus-free crown
      1 January 2023 18: 17
      +1
      Quote: Pushkar
      The usual demobilization stories about how he is so smart (a silver medal, albeit "for a big pull"), "ruled the service" under the leadership of stupid officers and ensigns in the dumbest of the armies of the dumbest country. Not tired?

      Your post is a direct adaptation of the Soviet joke "I haven't read it yet - but I already condemn it in advance" laughing laughing wink Let's break it down point by point:
      1. it is the silver itself - not by pull am according to blat there were 4 in Russian language and literature feel
      2. the author would not be smart - FIG would have "bought" him at the recruiting point
      3. I did not run away abroad, but
      The author, as a true patriot of his Motherland, “since the party said: it is necessary! Komsomol answered: yes! Passed the session. I handed over my passport to the military registration and enlistment office. And ended up at the collection point for recruits.

      4. honestly gave his debt to the Motherland
      5. at least with a word. at least half a word did I say about
      "ruled the service" under the leadership of stupid officers and ensigns in the stupidest of the armies of the stupidest country.

      6. Do you have any idea what it means in a snowstorm in winter, at night, in an open field with your bare hands to change the starter of a KAMAZ in "one person"? in 2 hours???? fellow at minus 25 overboard? Because The motherland needed it "blood from the nose"? bully
      and so on down the list
      1. Pushkar
        Pushkar 1 January 2023 21: 32
        +1
        Quote: Corona without virus
        Can you even imagine

        I am a career officer and a military pensioner, I have also fought. And not a construction battalion conscript to tell me about the difficulties of military service.
        1. Virus-free crown
          1 January 2023 21: 41
          +2
          Quote: Pushkar
          Quote: Corona without virus
          Can you even imagine

          I am a career officer and a military pensioner, I have also fought. And not a construction battalion conscript to tell me about the difficulties of military service.

          And did I say at least a word or half a word that I was a construction battalion worker?! wink
          And so - with the Coming!!! drinks and let's not quarrel over trifles, a separate article has already been planned about the "difficult fate" of the Avtobatov officers ... in a positive way ... literally with tears in their eyes)))
  16. Virus-free crown
    1 January 2023 19: 34
    +1
    And yes ... there were some misunderstandings ... in the process of personal discussions ...
    The author first learned about the existence of the status quo group and their songs exclusively at the recruiting station)))) and this is not a "joke of humor" bully Well, how did I find out about Rambo - that will be a separate article drinks
  17. Hexenmeister
    Hexenmeister 1 January 2023 20: 25
    +2
    In fairyland it was not customary to say "a student of the department", they said "a student of such and such a university from such and such a faculty." And what kind of institute was it, from which students were taken into the army during their studies, and even in a fairy-tale country? Well, the universities were different, there could be "electronics", but not the same, or the country is definitely no longer fabulous ... And then the term "Electronics" ... it's too guny, people refused to "accept" it when they were offered in the work book write the position of "electronic engineer".
    1. Virus-free crown
      1 January 2023 20: 49
      0
      Quote: Hexenmeister
      In fairyland it was not customary to say "a student of the department", they said "a student of such and such a university from such and such a faculty." And what kind of institute was it, from which students were taken into the army during their studies, and even in a fairy-tale country? Well, the universities were different, there could be "electronics", but not the same, or the country is definitely no longer fabulous ... And then the term "Electronics" ... it's too guny, people refused to "accept" it when they were offered in the work book write the position of "electronic engineer".

      I answer point by point good drinks
      1. About the correctness of "expressing your thoughts":
      PS

      The author asks him not to criticize too much for his style of presentation. In the presence of a silver medal in high school, I confess honestly: 4 in the Russian language and literature was "for a big pull." And so - a solid 3 plus. Well, techie author, techie... to the bone.


      2. About the institute:
      And a strategic decision was made to call everyone into the ranks of the Army - from students of strategic universities (who were not even drafted into the Great Patriotic War)

      3.
      And then the term "Electronics"
      see

      it seems to be written at the very beginning about the State Order ... winked
      1. Hexenmeister
        Hexenmeister 1 January 2023 21: 23
        +2
        Well, that's how I knew that you would send to this film smile Well, did you continue your studies after the service? At the same institute?
        1. Virus-free crown
          1 January 2023 21: 29
          +1
          Quote: Hexenmeister
          Well, that's how I knew that you would send to this film smile Well, did you continue your studies after the service? At the same institute?

          Continued ... "Where could I go from a submarine" (c) anecdote bully hi
          1. Hexenmeister
            Hexenmeister 1 January 2023 21: 33
            +1
            Apparently they finished their studies at the institute already in another, not at all fabulous country?
            1. Virus-free crown
              1 January 2023 21: 37
              +1
              Quote: Hexenmeister
              Apparently they finished their studies at the institute already in another, not at all fabulous country?

              Unfortunately yes... recourse crying
  18. Lomaster
    Lomaster 2 January 2023 11: 13
    0
    Fine! Inspired. My talents were also useful to me. Only not at the recruiting station, but in the unit. The first talent, more precisely, passion - football. The second talent, more precisely, philological studies - to write battle sheets. He settled down, in general, in a good platoon. But it did not give any concessions in the training. On the contrary, it's an extra burden. But there is something to remember)
    1. Virus-free crown
      2 January 2023 17: 21
      0
      Quote: Lomaster
      Fine! Inspired. My talents were also useful to me. Only not at the recruiting station, but in the unit. The first talent, more precisely, passion - football. The second talent, more precisely, philological studies - write battle sheets. He settled down, in general, in a good platoon. But no concessions in training it didn't work. On the contrary, it's an extra burden. But there is something to remember)

      Yeah))) I remember, I remember))) when our staff clerk - he is also an artist designer - he is also the editor of the battle sheet - he is also a photographer - was given as a demobilization chord to completely redo the Lenin's room at headquarters ... laughing I made just a dozen new demobilization albums in 2 weeks - and after 2 weeks I quit ... and the updated Leninist headquarters room could not even be recognized ))))))))))))))) half of the work was done at night .. it was almost freebie)))))))))))))))
      1. Virus-free crown
        2 January 2023 17: 38
        +1
        inspired))) remembered - shuddered bully For 2 weeks, for days on end, as the damned one covered all the letters on these albums with gold leaf - and only for a miserable 10 packs of cigarettes, a zero battery for the Volga and 20 liters of pure medical alcohol recourse wassat
  19. Virus-free crown
    2 January 2023 17: 12
    0
    The second part is out:
    https://topwar.ru/207824-bez-schej-i-kashi-pustynny-zheludki-nashi.html
    feel
  20. Virus-free crown
    4 January 2023 18: 41
    0
    The third part is out feel

    https://topwar.ru/207992-teper-ty-v-armii-za-bednogo-shofera-zamolvite-slovo.html
  21. vlad2000
    vlad2000 5 January 2023 13: 35
    -1
    sheer nonsense. show me a civilian driver who earned 1000 rubles and could not change the light in the turn signal?)) but he turned to a sucker with a compression fracture of the spine who had completed the courses of a computer operator?))))) then you can not comment on this nonsense
    1. Virus-free crown
      5 January 2023 20: 27
      0
      Quote: vlad2000
      sheer nonsense. show me a civilian driver who earned 1000 rubles and could not change the light in the turn signal?)) but he turned to a sucker with a compression fracture of the spine who had completed the courses of a computer operator?))))) then you can not comment on this nonsense

      All the characters, times and places of the "swamps, women of easy virtue and military units" are fictional. The author is not responsible for anything, these are just his senile senile memories.

      good drinks hi