Army stories

First story. Technical

The course of a young soldier is over, and we - thirty-two seventeen-year-olds have begun service and study.

One of the first lessons is introductory. The study of a technique that will have to be mastered in the coming years.

A tank, a training map and a cadet chosen by the instructor who reads for the rest what is written on the map. A guy from the Caucasian peoples. Givi. Born and raised in Tbilisi. Not stupid, but with a technique for "you" ...

Smartly reads and shows the instructor what he understands:

- Hull ... Tower ... Cannon barrel ... Suspension consists of ...

It comes down to size. Length, width, height and ... ground clearance (distance from the lowest point of the bottom of the car to the ground).

- Clearance, - Givi reads with difficulty and pretends to look thoughtful. - Comrade warrant officer, and where at tank clearance?

The ensign quickly understands what the matter is, and preoccupiedly slaps himself on the sides:

- Here, the infection! The mechanic took the 323rd car and went to the landfill! Go, over there, to the neighbor, ask him!

We begin to understand that a comedy is beginning, but we are silent.

Givi walks to a nearby car.

- Comrade senior warrant officer! Please give me clearance!

He finds his bearings just as quickly:

- Aha! Give it back to you, and what will I be left with? No really! Go, over there, to 122nd. There, the mechanic will soon leave for demobilization, he doesn't care about anything. Maybe you can beg him?

And so they chased poor Givi to a friendly laugh. Until the officer brought him back from the technical inspection and repair station. And he did not scold the negligent cadet for not knowing the basics ...

The second story. Scary

The first sentries. It seems that the articles have been learned, and the numbers of the stamps on the posts, but the jitters do not go away. Moreover, every Monday at the divorce they read out telegrams listing the numbers of the units in which the posts were attacked.

Vovka got the most remote post on the landfill - a warehouse for fuels and lubricants and corrosive liquids. A separate area, fenced with one row of barbed wire. And around - a field, a meadow, a forest belt and a river tributary. During the shift, sentry Vovka warned:

- At night, when it's quiet, the river makes noise.

He didn’t say how loud it was But in vain ...

A sultry summer night descended to the ground. Everything was quiet except for the river. And she made a noise - as if someone was crawling on the tall grass in the meadow! And now, going around the perimeter, Vovka came across this noise! He quickly retreated to cover and lay down.

- Stop who is coming!

In response - silence and the sound of a "saboteur" crawling on the grass.

Vovka looked out and noticed how something flashed near the nearest tree! Hid back.

- Stop, I will shoot !!!

The result is the same.

As Vovka later said, he threatened an invisible enemy for half an hour. Then he persuaded him to leave. Then he promised that he would not shoot, if only he left ...

Finally, I decided on a feat - to stand up and attack! But after the first steps I realized that I had been communicating all this time with ... my own shadow! A searchlight shining in the back, and the damned duct, coupled with fantasy, did their job.

Third story. Medical

In the second year of service in the training schedule, three platoons were surprised to read one of the days: "Donors".

The company was built, and one of the officers explained that this was, of course, voluntary, but those who donate blood for the hospital would have a supplement with juice, a day of rest and a good memory. Accordingly, the burden of the detachments, guards and all other "Egyptian cars" falls on the refuseniks.

Of course, three platoons took a step forward.

On the appointed day, doctors and nurses arrived. An impromptu blood transfusion center was made in the Lenin room. Someone doctors "weeded out", and the rest took the prescribed rate. After that, the donors drank juice, ate sandwiches and went to bed.

Among those who committed this noble deed was Genka. The type is colorful - tall, thin, red-haired and photogenic. He should play the Krauts in the movies. But Genka was not loved in the company for this: he was tight-fisted and boorish.

And then the donors noticed that everyone passing by Genka's bed laughed or laughed openly.

What's so funny, you ask?

It turns out that the guys who worked in the park of cars took off the truck and attached a bright yellow sign with the words "liquid drained" to the bed of a colleague.

The fourth story. Erotic

The outfit at the checkpoint is not often dropped. This outfit is desirable - you can look at civilian life.

We are standing there, well-dressed and ironed, waiting for visitors. Summer, the heat is such that it is hot even in a short-sleeved shirt.

And the first comes a young woman with a strong physique with something immense in her bosom. She walks up to the glass barrier, leans on it and a breast falls out of the cut of the blouse, I don't know what size!

We look dumbfounded at this forced striptease.

- Oh, sorry, - the girl says without a shadow of embarrassment. - I would call a cadet!

- Oh sure. Surname? And from which company?

- Cherepovetsky. Second.

This is our mail and our comrade who went to the landfill. We inform the visitor about this.

“Yeah,” she draws out. - Then Smirnova! Also from the second.

- He is also at the range ...

“I see,” she draws out, slightly disappointed. - Well, then Ivanitsky. From the third.

We realized that the young woman will not leave today without prey. One of the guys started dialing a number ...

Fifth story. Mysterious

Again the guard. Your humble servant took over as a sentry in the tank park. The area is large. There are a lot of techniques. If it were not for the February frosts, from which it is chilly even in a sheepskin coat, and not gusts of a prickly wind, then everything would be wonderful - I walked four times in a circle, that's the end of the change!

But now the wind ... It grabs the cheeks, makes the eyes water.

And then the thought comes to mind - between those trucks, most likely, the wind is not blowing. No sooner said than done. Indeed, the place is successful - there is no wind, you can see the checkpoint, and most of the park too. It is a pity, you will have to leave it at least once - to leave footprints in the snow, so that the breeder does not have any questions.

It was somewhere on these reflections that a quiet whistle was heard. You know, this is when an accomplice is called. Or a girl from home is called so that the parents do not hear.

Well, there can be no question of a girl, but there are all kinds of thieves and bastards in the 90s of the last century - more than enough!

All thoughts of a good place disappeared instantly! Machine in hand, and I jump out into the open! You can't hear the whistle, but that doesn't mean anything: you need to check the perimeter - there are probably tracks left in the snow!

I study the fence and the approaches to it, not by step, but by dashes. But the snow is pristine! So, they haven't crossed the border of the post yet! I run to the checkpoint. There is a colleague. Violation, of course, but knocking on the door.

- What? - he asks.

- Did you notice anyone?

- No, why?

- Yes, someone is whistling ...

Half asleep from a comrade flies. He grabs the bayonet and closes with all locks.

I'm getting hot this February night - where are you, violators?

The second time I run around the perimeter. All the same, everything is clean!

I turn on the logic - they need to wait in the place where I heard them! I sit between the trucks again and begin to listen. After about five minutes the whistle was repeated. Then again.

I start to sneak up on the sound. He leads me to the corner of the hangar. Closer ... Closer ... I peer cautiously around the corner.

Whistling somewhere right in front of me! The gaze rests on an old empty fuel barrel. It is rusty. In the fall, the water reached one of the holes and later froze. It turned out to be such a whistle. Well, the gusty February wind whistled!

But the shift flew by unnoticed.

Believe it or not. But all this is not invented. I swear on anything and on anything. Yes, I think everyone in the storehouse has more than one similar one. Write, share!

Comments

[Blacksmith 55]

One day the assistant, having given me a bucket, sent me for compression.
Having found a small clearing behind the park in a chepyzhnik, I had a good sleep and returned to dinner.
The zampotech was searched, but could not find it. But he himself realized that the "joke" did not work out, did not punish, and laughed together.

[German Titov]

We have during 500 km. march, one "military" from all receivers collected a whole bucket of compression.

[ccsr]

Apparently, the administration needs to make a special theme "Army stories", because each serving will have something unforgettable, which will remain in his memory for the rest of his life.
I will supplement the author's text with one more story.

The story that happened to my colleague happened in the early nineties, when our elite handed over to the West everything that they asked. As many people probably remember, the Open Skies treaty was prepared, ratified later, according to which the Americans had the opportunity to conduct aerial photography and radio intelligence of all the regions of interest to them, which they took advantage of, saving billions of dollars. We also had such an opportunity, but, given the nuclear doctrine of the time, we did not get much benefit from this.
And so my friend, following the order, was seconded to Kamchatka to work with the Americans under this agreement, since he was a specialist in this field. The Air Force officers who arrived from America, in general, did not understand Russian well - they were purely technicians in aviation equipment, and at first the communication went through an interpreter, and very tightly. Then the ice slowly melted (by the way, the military quickly find a common language among themselves - this has long been noticed) and work began to take place in a more relaxed atmosphere.
Little by little, the usual rhythm of work began and at the end of the week our officers decided to give the Americans a small banquet in Russian. The company gathered, drank a little, but did not calculate the forces of the enemy, who turned out to be clearly weaker than our people. And I must say that one of the American wards on the same day was supposed to fly to another airfield where their plane was stationed and it was supposed to take off on our side. In a word, they took the American by hand to the plane, and our officers confused the board a little - they put him in another crew, telling him to be delivered to his destination. As always happens, the plane flew in a completely different direction for thousands of kilometers, and the dry Yankees handed over to the local chiefs at another airfield. Great was the surprise of all the participants in the drunkenness when the question "where is the American?" everyone claimed that he flew away, but why he did not reach his destination, no one could understand. What he himself felt when he sobered up a little is apparently difficult to imagine - not a word in Russian, the local authorities will also not understand where he fell on their heads from, in a word, the famous "treachery" of the Soviet people. It may have occurred to the poor Yankee that he had become an object of provocation by the evil KGB, had already been taken to the Gulag by stage and would never get out of Siberia - in short, Jack London is resting.
After conducting a logical analysis, the local commanders, nevertheless, found ends and, having contacted the staff members, ferried the American to his destination with a time delay. What the American himself thought will remain a mystery, and it is quite possible that at the end of his years he will tell his grandchildren how his courage saved the honor of America - the shameful KGB could not resist his loyalty to his homeland.
Meanwhile, further overflights continued according to the program. After all the work with this group of American officers was over, and they were going to leave for their homeland, it was decided to hold a final banquet in order to fully declare his love and friendship with our potential enemy. As always, they took a little on the chest, and a heartfelt conversation poured - the decoration of any booze.
And so my friend decided to ask that very American what struck him the most in Russia. There was a pause, everyone quieted down, expecting a fateful answer, anticipating unthinkable options in advance. The American thought for a long time, going over his memories of the last days, and issued: "Lack of hot water in the morning in the hotel room."
To say that our people fell out of the chair means to say nothing. They simply could not come to their senses with laughter. People who visited many airfields, where sometimes there were interruptions in water at all, and had to melt the snow, did not even imagine that such a small amount could hit our potential enemy. And they were involuntarily stirred up by simple pride for the Russian people, who give a fuck, not only water, but the rest of the world on the planet, because only our person can calmly endure all the hardships and deprivation of life, even without noticing them.
And who could defeat the army of such a people?

[The leader of the Redskins]

The idea of ​​introducing a section of humor has been discussed in the comments for a very long time, but the VO editors have not yet responded to them. Maybe technical problems, maybe something else.
PS Traditionally, I thank everyone who left comments. Humor is something that is always with us - at any time, at any age and in any place!)

[Alien From]

Recently you have been publishing little ... Do you hunt for minks?))

[The leader of the Redskins]

No))). It was just then that I was on vacation and on sick leave. Had been ill with the "crown". And now at work. And a lot of it has accumulated. I rarely write comments now. Partly because of the time, partly because of idlers who sit at computers for days and press the "minus" button)

[Alien From]

Health! The plus / minus sect to ignore. We are waiting for new articles!

[Malyuta]

Quote: Alien From

The plus / minus sect to ignore.

I am very sorry, but this is really tough! You write 2 * 2 = 4 and sprinkle with cons, as from a PC.

[Aag]

Quote: Malyuta

Quote: Alien From

The plus / minus sect to ignore.

I am very sorry, but this is really tough! You write 2 * 2 = 4 and sprinkle with cons, as from a PC.

These are those who consider themselves patriots fighting for the truth, in their opinion, in the United States they do not multiply at all, they only divide ... And in Israel, Ukraine, the result after the equal sign can be anything, depending on political trends ...)))

[Krasnodar]

Quote: Malyuta

Quote: Alien From

The plus / minus sect to ignore.

I am very sorry, but this is really tough! You write 2 * 2 = 4 and sprinkle with cons, as from a PC.

So these are the enemies of the communists And you have established yourself as red

[Malyuta]

Quote: Krasnodar

So these are the enemies of the communists laughing And you have established yourself as a red

And this is bad? You can't lose your mind.

[Krasnodar]

I respect idealist communists - there is nothing wrong with them. I hate the Communist Party - but they are not communists)).

[Malyuta]

Quote: Krasnodar

I respect idealist communists - there is nothing wrong with them. I hate the Communist Party - but they are not communists)).

You just spoken the truth))) In general, with a bastard!

[Krasnodar]

Through the mouth of a baby, as they say

[Malyuta]

Quote: Krasnodar

With the lips of a baby, as they say laughing

It was a pleasant conversation.

[Korsar4]

Can this button really affect the desire to do / not do something?

[Sling cutter]

Quote: Leader of the Redskins

The idea of ​​introducing a section of humor has been discussed in the comments for a very long time, but the VO editors have not yet responded to them.

I have already expressed my thoughts on the section "Smoking room", which should include humor and army stories and just communication outside the framework of other techno-polics.
Skomorokhov said that everything is in the works and will be soon.

[The leader of the Redskins]

Well, then I put a "twig" in the common fire! You look, more people will catch up)))

[Sling cutter]

Quote: Leader of the Redskins

Well, then I put a "twig" in the common fire! You look, more people will catch up)))

Very true, it is necessary to give an outlet to the "population" IN!

[Alien From]

I agree to all 100, otherwise the schiz "population" often covers ..... spring ..... few vitamins

[Malyuta]

Quote: Alien From

I agree to all 100, otherwise the schiz "population" often covers ..... spring ..... few vitamins

I join in, we all need to be discharged, because we are not enemies.

[AK1972]

For a year, that way, 2013-2014, funny army stories were published on VO, then they somehow disappeared abruptly, but if you delve into the archive, you can find it. I support the idea of ​​returning the "Army Stories" column.

[Gado]

VO since that time in general as changed. This is after the new page template has been overlaid. And then a lot of funny and smart people left here, but came ... You know who.
And I will support the idea of ​​army and all sorts of other funny stories with both hands.

[ccsr]

Quote: Stroporez

Skomorokhov said that everything is in the works and will be soon.

Giving a tooth?

[vvvjak]

Quote: Leader of the Redskins

The idea of ​​introducing a section of humor has been exaggerated for a long time in the comments,

There used to be such a section on VO, called "Army stories" (EMNIP). For a long time it was not replenished with articles, which is probably why it was closed. But the articles were "crazy". About how the USSR submarine was set on fire by the US aircraft carrier with the help of feces, or the story of an American translator (who translated from "bad" Russian to "good") is still in my memory.

[Aleks tv]

Quote: Leader of the Redskins

The idea of ​​introducing a section of humor has been discussed in the comments for a very long time, but the VO editors have not yet responded to them. Maybe technical problems, maybe something else.
PS Traditionally, I thank everyone who left comments. Humor is something that is always with us - at any time, at any age and in any place!)

Good day, Igor.

Thanks for your memories.
I read it with pleasure.

And the section "Army Bikes" has always existed on VO.
Six years ago, many stories were published.
Hopefully we will revive the tradition.
Where can we go without army humor?
Nowhere.)))

[Vladimir Mashkov]

Igor, thank you very much for the wonderful sketches! And new creative successes !!!

[Captain45]

Quote: ccsr

Apparently, the administration needs to make a special theme "Army stories", because each serving will have something unforgettable, which will remain in his memory for the rest of his life.

Quote: Leader of the Redskins

The idea of ​​introducing a section of humor has been exaggerated for a long time in the comments, but the VO editors have not yet responded to them

So before there was a section "Army bikes" but in time, if I'm not mistaken, after the events in Donbass, they were removed. And what, why the people were not informed. Or even probably in 2013, when the main page of the site was updated, the section was removed, it was independent as "News", "Opinions", "Analytics", etc.

[Alien From]

Humor prolongs life and shortens service) all good))

[SaLaR]

Those who served in the army do not laugh in KVN ...

[Free wind]

About the dimensions of the equipment, let's say, it's not entirely smart. At the front, there were such jokers. punished mercilessly, and were afraid to do this. A ridiculed fighter could shove a bayonet in the joker's ass. Prapor, a finished ram. You need to teach the fighter, not mock him. Having worked for more than 30 years on various cars and tractors, I do not know their dimensions, for example, the same Kirovtsa, and this does not interfere with my work. If you want the car to obey you, it is not necessary to know its dimensions, as well as the width of your shoulders. You feel the machine, like a centaur your body, you and the iron are one whole. Once again, such ensigns - officers, drive out of the army with a filthy broom.

[Dmt]

A good officer must know the dimensions of the equipment. For example: when loading and unloading on a train, equip a trench to choose a place of shelter or a trench. Mehvod may not need this. And the fact that they lost their hearts over the ignorant is such an example of upbringing (maybe sometimes inappropriate and not working) - he himself went through a similar thing.

[Glory1974]

At the front, there were such jokers. punished mercilessly, and were afraid to do this. A ridiculed fighter could shove a bayonet into the joker's ass. Prapor, a finished ram. You need to teach the fighter, not mock him.

Why is it so tough? An ordinary army humor that helps dozens of strangers to meet, communicate and do a common cause no matter what.
My first company commander was very demanding, he would do the slightest mistake, and the company was in perfect order. He was strict, fair and great humorist. We were afraid of him, and at the same time we respected and loved him very much. Finishing the execution, he always knew how to joke so that the formation burst into laughter. There were no grudges left against him.

[Krasnodar]

1) Fresh recruits at the KMB in my Israeli unit were sent to the warehouse for "electric powder". I came back from the storekeeper with a flask full of electrical wire.
2) Once a Molotov cocktail was thrown into a patrol jeep. Night, suspicious movement near houses. Shots, inhuman scream. In short, they hit him and wounded him. The Donkey.
3) We were not tempted by volunteering at the KMB to donate blood - they taught us right away: everyone raises their hand when asked who the volunteer is. For this we were not chased for 8 hours. But once they made an exception, someone from the platoon sang to the civilian volunteer paramedic:
I'm a nurse, I'm a nurse
With a long curly
On the nipple
They began to drive us (albeit without platoon bells and whistles in the form of an FN MAG machine gun, a 20-liter container with water, and so on.
When I was born, I cried.
That day I understood why.
4) Erotica - once examined optically, as an aborigine caring for a donkey. We drove up the highway as close as possible to the grove and crept up when the lover was already smoking. We jumped out (internal troops, the so-called border guards, refer to the police):
- So! Stop, don't move! How old is she?
Awesome young man:
- Three..
- Yeah ... arrested for seducing a minor! But first, let's go to our parents ..
- Nooo!
- To her parents, fool. You will ask for your hands.
The guy swore at us for a long time and laughed ..
5) But there was only one riddle - how such slovens, drunks and drug addicts, like us, could not be thrown into the sea
neighbors with the support of all progressive humanity

[Glory1974]

Somehow we were a brigade on exercises, stood in the fields, lived in tents. I came to one of the tents, and I was invited in the evening after lights out to dull 100 grams for the birthday of one of the lieutenants. As soon as they sat down at the table, the foreman runs in: "The brigade officer is coming to us!" (the chief of staff was in charge).
Everyone immediately rushed to clear the table, hide the bottles and jump in bed, pretending to be asleep. I have no bed, I turned on the TV, sat down in front of the screen at the entrance to the tent. I think if he comes in, he will ask me what I am doing, I will say that I am watching TV.
The front door to the vestibule has already creaked, and at that moment a letekha jumps up from the outer bunk, turns off the light and .... the TV! And again he falls into bed. At the same moment the door opens, the NSh comes in with a flashlight, Lieutenant Colonel M. shines in my face and asks in surprise: "What are you doing here?"
I, according to the developed plan, clearly answer: "I watch TV, comrade lieutenant colonel!"
He shines a flashlight on the screen of the switched off TV, at me, again at the TV, at me and says: "You at least turn it on." , turns and walks away.
The tent laughed for two hours, the whole brigade rolled with laughter until the end of the exercise.
And for me, the army joke (the foreman allowed me to watch TV, just not turn it on) became a reality.

[tank66]

In the army, without humor, nowhere.
... year 1985 summer ... Shindandt rembat 5th Guards I go to Drugan Igor - the commander of the 423 tank / 24th Guards Tank Regiment / - there was a practice until the box was repaired / after the explosion / - so that it was not completely disassembled - from the "injured client" in the rembat, on temporary allowance, a representative was hanging out - in In this case, my korefan. Communicating ... the brews were accepted pretty well. I wonder how in general ... All hurt yourself, only the commander of the rembat - major - I don't remember how to call - he hesitates his / the permanent composition / fighters to plant, weed, water the flower beds around the modules / from the professional sheet Orsk such semicircular structures /. In the shade 55. And the major somewhere got hold of pansies and other crap. And everyone he can strain, almost with spray guns, crawling through the beds ... In short. We were impatient to take a piss. around the corner ... and when we have already shaken off and buttoned up the wind, this botanist major appears with a shout, YOU ARE YOU DOING. In principle, he is nobody to me, but I feel awkward that I pissed on his rose garden. And Igor needs to say something ... And he, so, without blinking, gives out: and in the Charter about masturbation there is nothing on it is written ... You should have seen the mug of this major.

[Avior]

A confusing system with the search for fresh materials has become, so I almost missed a good article.
Well done author!
I will do my bit.
We had a welded-Vasya in the PTO.
And somehow Vasya was sent to repair the stairs on the tower at the ZAS parking lot. The parking lot itself is in the back of the car park, fenced off separately - in general, it is safe, a tower at the edge of the parking lot. The sentry is on the tower, Vasya is poking around below. And Vasya thought it was more convenient to make repairs in his welding room - he cut the ladder and dragged it to the PTO to the welding one for repairs, the sentry just noted that the repair was over and again there was silence. And at this time the change of sentries, and the breeder with the change of sentries comes and sees a picture - there is a tower, there are no stairs. Asks on the tower, where is the staircase? And the sentry is sure that the welder has finished work long ago, he repaired the ladder and got away from the tower and where the ladder has gone, he cannot understand :)

[Lynx2000]

In the mornings, the company ran for three kilometers, a machine gunner was available, healthy and under 2 m in height.
Stepanov is his surname, outwardly he looked like a Kazakh or Kalmyk. At the gate through which they ran out was a checkpoint with an outfit and a barrier, everything was as it should be. The barrier had counterweights, one apparently lay in reserve at the post - a roadside roller from MTLB.
Stepanov ran out and grabbed him for a run. The cadets - sophomores from the Vladikavkaz VVU (future scouts, special forces) came to practice. One cadet was assigned to do morning physical training. The morning began as usual, lifting, physical exercises, cross-country, columnar right shoulder, running march behind the checkpoint gate, Stepanov, the first right-flank rink, as usual, grabbed the rink and run, the closing cadet, saw Stepanov running forward with the rink, let out a cry " Stop! ", I caught up only after half a kilometer ...

[Valter1364]

Somehow I was replacing a comrade at KP # 3 NVIMU. In the evening, cap three with the VMC, the curator of our 13th company, leaving the school, rests his gaze on the cap of my classmate. The headdress clearly does not fit into the canons of the statutory uniform. It looks more like the saggy member of an elderly baboon. It acquires this appearance when you remove the springy rim from the upper circle inside. And to the officer's question, comrade cadet, show your spring, Stepan takes off his hat and shows the captain of the third rank a wrinkled tungsten spring from the iron at the bottom of the mitz. With all his obscene ingenuity, the officer grunted in surprise and thought a little, silently leaves the room.

[Valter1364]

We passed naval practice in the village of Novoozerny (Donuzlav, Crimea) on ships of the Black Sea Fleet of the USSR in 1986.

The navigator was with us. Periodically going out to sea for a couple of days.

Trainee navigator, naturally on the bridge.

The voice of the ship commander: "Navigator, coordinates"!

The trainee rushes to the table, grabs a pair of compasses, a parallel ruler and begins to conjure over the card.

A few seconds later, the roar of the commander is heard, flavored with a seven-story obscenity: "Navigator! COORDINATES" !!!

The officer in charge of the watch does not hesitate for a second, loudly reports: "49.22 northern, 38 eastern"!

The commander's satisfied voice: "Acknowledged, navigator"!

A trainee, dumbfounded, looks at the map and says to the navigator, you gave the wrong coordinates, the hell knows where on the shore!

The navigator approaches the map, slowly writes down the position of the ship on a piece of paper and shouts: "I give a clarification!

N 45.37, E 33.06.

From the bridge, an imperturbable commander's bass sounds in response: "Accepted!"

[Doliva63]

Quote: Valter1364

We passed naval practice in the village of Novoozerny (Donuzlav, Crimea) on ships of the Black Sea Fleet of the USSR in 1986.

The navigator was with us. Periodically going out to sea for a couple of days.

Trainee navigator, naturally on the bridge.

The voice of the ship commander: "Navigator, coordinates"!

The trainee rushes to the table, grabs a pair of compasses, a parallel ruler and begins to conjure over the card.

A few seconds later, the roar of the commander is heard, flavored with a seven-story obscenity: "Navigator! COORDINATES" !!!

The officer in charge of the watch does not hesitate for a second, loudly reports: "49.22 northern, 38 eastern"!

The commander's satisfied voice: "Acknowledged, navigator"!

A trainee, dumbfounded, looks at the map and says to the navigator, you gave the wrong coordinates, the hell knows where on the shore!

The navigator approaches the map, slowly writes down the position of the ship on a piece of paper and shouts: "I give a clarification!

N 45.37, E 33.06.

From the bridge, an imperturbable commander's bass sounds in response: "Accepted!"

Elegant!

[ccsr]

"Who served in the army does not laugh in the circus ..." - military wisdom.

The case in question happened in the GSVG in the eighties and its consequences for many years were visible to the naked eye, becoming a subject of discussion for military wits.
Subordinate to our directorate was 3 separate Special Forces Brigade, which was famous throughout the Soviet Union as the best and this corresponded to reality, both in our assessment and in the opinion of the special forces themselves (doubters can find on the Internet detailed information about this illustrious formation and make sure my words are correct). It is not for nothing that the NATO leadership considered it as a serious threat to its nuclear forces and headquarters, and was preparing to eliminate the brigade's reconnaissance and sabotage groups under special programs. The brigade commander at that time was VM, an outstanding and well-known personality among the special forces of that time, a participant in the Afghan war and a consultant to the film about the "Black Shark". At that time, his chief of staff was the famous V.K., whom Chubais recalls in a cold sweat, but who has nothing to do with the assassination attempt, since if he had participated there, the whole country would have read the obituary about the "main privatizer" ...
This took place in the summer, during the period of active study and preparation for the autumn final check. Walking around the territory of the unit somehow, the commander drew attention to the weeping willows located along the asphalt road and with their branches reaching the ground, which did not really harmonize from the point of view of military aesthetics. The decision was made immediately and after a while the commander of the detachment responsible for this territory was instructed to organize the cutting of all long branches to a level of 2 m 50 cm from the ground so that the trees would have a cultivated appearance and did not reach the headgear of the military personnel. Then everything went according to the knurled scheme: the commander of the detachment set a task for the company commander, he, according to his foreman, who, being quite worn, made a rail of the specified length and, having handed it to the sergeant, voiced the order of the brigade commander in an acceptable form.
It was customary to start pruning trees after dinner, for which ten (or so) soldiers were allocated, having previously armed them with special forces hand saws.
As the sergeant understood the task, one can only guess, but in the morning, when the first officers began to arrive at the headquarters, the picture was as follows: along the road, like tipsy telegraph poles, there were stumps of willows 2 m 50 cm high without a single leaf. What did V.M. Having seen this landscape, history is silent - perhaps, I recalled the threats of the half-dead spooks or the intrigues of the NATO special services (they even somehow showed up at the shooting range), who decided to disgrace and destroy the glorious name of this worthy person, but as my friend and colleague A. (he was the head of one of the brigade's services) "There was a complete n ..... c". Those who have served in the army will understand what this means for the personnel.
When the storm ended, the passions subsided, and the question "What to do?" Arose, the wise officers suggested leaving everything as it is, in the hope that Mother Nature will correct the surge of human imagination this time (having previously prepared an "excuse" in the form of "recommendations German ecologists "or some" unknown tree disease "that struck the brigade). And nature did not disappoint - at first, leaves appeared on the stumps, slightly resembling the hairline of one place, which the soldiers constantly think about, then the branches made their way and after a couple of years the willows took on such an original futuristic look that it could be considered a creative research of army gardeners. Of course, the company of authors of the "masterpiece" was firmly entrenched with the honorary title of "Michurinians hu ....", but during the debriefing, no one suffered a disciplinary penalty, with the exception of scattering. The main motto of the spetsnaz - "Us e .... - just x .. stupid" - worked, as always, impeccably.
As always, the brigade passed the autumn check with good results and continued to improve its military skills, so that the management of the department did not draw any conclusions on this occasion (except for humorous ones). And if someone, having first got into the brigade, and seeing such a landscape design, was somewhat perplexed, then the majority did not pay any attention to this, since one of the main army wisdom says "Do not be surprised at anything."
At present, the town of Neutimen is abandoned (5 km east of Fürstenberg), but if one of the readers of the site visits those places, he will surely see these wonderful willows with traces of the experiments of army breeders (this alley is still visible in pictures from space).
If I have slightly violated the ethical norms accepted not in the military environment, I apologize in advance to the readers.

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With all love: army bikes. We had such a joke: on the internal daytime call of one of the batteries of the first course: take the deviation and run to the nachkar.